How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Norman Brown Your Own Question

Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 839
Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr. Norman Brown is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Me an this girl dated for 2yrs. her mom passed away when she

Customer Question

Me an this girl dated for 2yrs. her mom passed away when she was 15. her dad is disabled no income losing her home she grew up in. she wasnt staying there when we was together. she lived with me and my family the whole time. im now 22 she is 20. she surfers from anxiety and stress. I tried helping her deal with that. there was times when she would hit herself. because she thought she was ugly. I always told her how beautiful she was so did everyone else even strangers. I got her a job at my work. it was her 1st job ever. she was to save up an buy her 1st car. she never did. she was always nervous when she would drive. I tried teaching her. about 2 months ago she was off work around mid may. from her anxiety. My boss gave her 2 weeks off to go to the doctors and see a therapist. during her time off her dog of 10 yrs died it devastated her. she went to the doctors early on the 1st week. the whole time she would run and hang out with her friends or go see her dad. during may 26th through early june. I felt her distance. she was cold I thought it was from her dogs death and her. anxiety. no I was dead wrong. it turned out she was talking to a 18yr old boy online. one day before I went to work she said I dont feel good can you take me to my dads. I said ya. my gut told me she was seeing someone else. I had to work that day. I took her to her dads. then she went to that boys house while I was working. she cheated on me and broke up with me while I was still working. In shock I left work. I took personal days off. I begged her to come home an work things out. she was cold with me saying no your controlling we always fight your like my brother an we have nothing in common. I was a little control but I didnt realize. we have been fighting we both been under stress. But we have alot in common. I called her out on seeing another guy. she said im not dont call me a lair. next day she calls an admits she has been talking to someone an met him once. then next day she comes to get her things from my house. shows up wearing short clothes which isnt like her. she had a hicky above her chest. I seen it an was sadden by the truth. she comes in screaming at me an why my mom packed all her things up. when she left he calmed down and said I was her best friend that she still loved me? I beg an call her about a week. she says she isnt dating that guy it was a mistake but she was living with his family? week later she announced they are dating. I stop the calling and begging. its been a month now. about a week ago she msgd me saying she misses talking to me doesnt want me to hate her. i said I dont hate you im busy. next day she asks if I can come talk to her at her dads on sunday. I said ill try. on sunday I did go talk to her. I showed up looking my best with a new approach. 1st thing she noticed was that ive been working out. she noticed my new looks too. we talk about work. she was fired from her job. she lost her phone and has no money still no car. she started asking if I was seeing anyone or been on dates. I said no. she was touching my arms and geting close to me at times. she then told me her mistakes in the relationship. I was shocked as she hit them all on the dot. I noticed a change in her as well. she isnt the cheating type this was her 1st time. she explaind that she wasnt feeling a connection to me an her as if I didnt love her no more. she said that she felt like she was going to be stuck at that job forever. she then started talking about the guy. saying how she at 1st blew him off when he msgd her. saying she has a boyfriend. the guy kept msgn her. she said one day her msgd her saying god is telling me we are suppose to be together im not sure why I feel this way. she then started liking him. she said I never had someone want to be with me for who I am. he understands me. I then said are you better with him. she answered I dont know I feel like my heart is broken into 2 pieces. one piece is with you and the other with him she said im confused. she went on to tell me how this guy is a mamas boy such a sweatheart an has been teaching her alot about god. so that hurt me I know this guy wont hurt her but he sounds too good to be true. About an hr later I then left her house before I left she said we need to talk sometime again. so now the other day I went over again for the second time. we talked for 6hrs. she laughed at things I said and had the love eyes on me. we ended up in her bed and she was cuddling all over me. I was holding her. we talked more. both cried. she said she is still confused doesnt know what she wants. she told me how do you like two people at once. we ended up down stairs in and I sat in a chair and she sat on my lap and cuddled some more. she told me she cant ever throw away any of the things I bought her or any pics of us. I then teased her about kissing her and she seemd not to care if I did so. she said for me to message her online. how do I get her back? is she trying to comeback?
Submitted: 12 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 12 months ago.

Dr. Norman Brown :

She is in a rebound relationship, and with her family background she is overly dependent on whomever she has as a boyfriend. At her present age (20) she'll probably have periodic pendulum swings towards needing independence, but she's never experienced living without dependence on an "adoptive family," so the'll be very confusedly combining both ways of living at the same time.

Dr. Norman Brown :

She needs family security SO much that what she calls "love" will always combine brother/mother love with romantic love at this stage of her life. How is her relationship with YOUR mother? For the comparison between Your mother/her and the other guy's mother/her might have as much holding-security-power as your years of romantic history.

Customer:

She loves my mom alot. she said her new boyfriend s mom works 2 jobs so she isnt around much. you think she will try to comeback to me with time? she keeps saying she is confused with where her life is going and on if she wants to be with me or that guy. should I keep my distance for now?

Dr. Norman Brown :

I'm thinking that she NEEDS to experience some independence, and yet she also NEEDS to feel secure in a family. So the other guy may feel like growing up, because you feel like "brother" & "mom." So I don't think she's going to get unconfused any time in the near future. I understand what it feels like to be on the brink of losing your long-term girlfriend, and I feel empathy for you.

Dr. Norman Brown :

I don't know how she will be able to decide what to do, when her love for you is deeper and more durable than her new excitement for him, but her excitement for having a new life is hard to measure at all.

Dr. Norman Brown :

I'd first accept that you can't count on one or two "right" ways to deal with this situation that would be most likely to get her to come back to you. But she will always want to be close to you, even if marriage is not what she ends up wanting to do. You are family to her. So if you let her know that you will always be there to support her and you want the best for her, you will be sticking to what is MOST TRUE about about your retionship, whether both of you continue to define it as romantic love or not. But by telling her you will always love her and that you don't have to be her one and only to love her, you will be agreeing with what she actually feels already: that she never wants to lose you, even though she doesn't know whether she wants you for her one and only or the other guy. For the fact is, she is NOT READY to have anybody as her one and only man to have and to hold until death do you part. Because she's never been on her own and able to make a free choice. And neither have you.

Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 839
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
Dr. Norman Brown and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency