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Dear Debra
Dear Debra , Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My good friend for over 20 years, we were not in touch for

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My good friend for over 20 years, we were not in touch for many years. We had been very good friends, they moved and she wrote a job application letter which was not bad at all, but not perfect (which I was used to getting and expected her to do since she was my friend). I was young and took a different job over that one anyway. But was very miffed and she knew it, just from behavior. I did not write back to her or talk to them much for a long time, she tried to act like things were O.K., then we got together at a meeting and started emailing, but it was like starting over, I think she changed her life a little in the meantime and we couldn't just pick up where we left off. Her daughter (28) is getting married and I have heard a little about their plans and her new house, but it is only two weeks until the wedding and I have not been invited. I don't know the daughter at all, and don't know if mother or daughter did the inviting. What to say to my friend? I would feel very bad if we were not friends any more, and I think she would too. I heard about the lunch and where she is living, re: the new in-laws to be. Should I just ask and convey best wishes? We have not been that active together since they live in a different city...and the wedding is about three hours away. I could have asked earlier if she planned on inviting us, or dealt with it but we are too busy and that is like me, I need to tie things up better with people. I think we can remain friends, these aren't people you meet every day either, not like I can replace them easily. What to say though? I would like to stay involved in their life and not be forgotten for the new family they are involved with.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.

Deardebra : Thank you for your question.
Deardebra : Friendships often connect after many years later and so much has changed in people's lives specially after 20 years. Usually after that length of time the person you once knew is no longer that person because people grow.
Deardebra : It is like starting a new friendship all over again. You both need to catch up on each others lives and you can also reminisce about the memories you shared when you were friends. But right now you both are going to make knew memories.
Deardebra : The reason for not getting invited to the wedding just yet is because they might not know if you would be able to go since it is three hours away.
Deardebra : Where this friendship just started again it is new and I am sure her daughter is in charge if inviting people. The mother would have to ask her daughter if she could add more people and since the wedding is in two weeks she might feel you could not plan to come that fast.
Deardebra : She also might not want to add you last minute.
Deardebra : I feel you should remain friends with each other. You both just recently reconnected and you are currently reestablishing a relationship.
Deardebra : You want to bring up the wedding and say how wonderful and exciting it is that her daughter is getting married.
Deardebra : Then you want to ask your friend if you could send a card to her daughter for her wedding. This might get your friend to say why don't you come to the wedding.
Deardebra : Some times people do realize that you might want to go. She might not want to put you at a wedding where you will not know anyone.
Deardebra : I would drop a hint or a suggestion that you could go if you got invited.
Deardebra : You could say something like its a three hour drive but I would love to meet your daughter.
Deardebra : It would be nice to share in her day. I feel like we have missed so much if each others lives already.
Deardebra : Its been great reconnecting with you and I'm glad that we are in each others lives again.
Deardebra : Those are some of the things you want to say. This way she will tell you if you are invited or she might say they are unable to add anymore people to the wedding party. But at least you would know so you could plan ahead.
Deardebra : In order to stay in people's lives you want to stay in contact. You said these are people that basically can not be replaced, so you want to be a part of their lives.
Deardebra : you want to use this time to get caught up and when you both reconnect then you will be involved more. But you have to stay in touch sharing your lives together.
Deardebra : You want to share things that are going on in your life and she will tell you things in her life.
Deardebra : soon you both will share more of your lives together.
Deardebra : Then the friendship will be back like it was before. If you feel she is a good friend you want to stay in contact with each other.
Deardebra : If you are unable to go to the wedding I would make plans with her to have a little get together and maybe you can meet her daughter.
Deardebra : You can get to know and share in her life. You also could ask if they need any help with the wedding. People some times towards the end of wedding planning get so overwhelmed. It would be a nice suggestion to ask if they needed any last minute help.
Deardebra : If she says no that would just be that she is all set with the planning.
Deardebra : You want to keep in touch so you can be invited to things so you both can share in each others lives again.
Deardebra : People reconnect all the time after many years of list communication.
Deardebra : The reason why is because people remember frat times they spent with friends and some times life gets so busy years past. So when things slide down a little you want to make the time to connect again with people that were once a part of your life.
Deardebra : Thank you again for your question.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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