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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I am nearly at the end of a divorce/ settlement from my narassictic

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I am nearly at the end of a divorce/ settlement from my narassictic affairs having ex army husband. I have endured harrassment from his mistress ( i had to get sols invovoled) she turned my step kids against me whom I had an excellant relationship with ) I expect him to be an excellant father to my kids and as he tries we become closer and she becomes upset and he backs off from kids. I can handle it but she cant , he wants to be a father . I think we both have feels for each other , but I want my head to rule my head. Please explain.My ex always says I put him in this situation, because i put him out .
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr.G. replied 1 year ago.
What can I help you with?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I am still going ahead with divorce, but in both my head and heart i feel my ex and I have feelings for each other, I suspose I wan tto be told that its ok to just let things go unfold. every time I feel we get close I block it because I am not prepared to go back to the way he was. But while I know he is trying to build a life with her, he still wants me. Alot o his behaviour was related to war situations ,so I can rationalise same, but I dont want to be hurt again. Thats why I am prepared to go it alone despite what I feel

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 1 year ago.
You call him narcissistic. What do you mean by that?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Sorry about spelling of same., As time has gone by I have understood his behaviour, I feel he only engages with someone or something for his own gain. eg when we first split up I was happy to spend xmas day with him for sake of kids but he went to girlfriends despite kids crying and asking him to stay.

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 1 year ago.
That sounds narcissistic. If this is true, the likelihood of him changing is slim. The scary part is that they are big manipulators. So, he may put on an act for a little while, eventually he will go back to his old behavior. I think you need to trust your feelings on this one. Sure he can play a game for a little while and this brings better feelings onto you. But in the long run, it won't last.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thats what I know. I know I need a shove on, because as I become more and more independant I get more and more happy. Then he becomes more and more chatty with me. I can understand what the psychology is behind all that. But why cant his girlfriend just get on with being with him, let him be a parent and if she sees me say hello ( THATS ALL i WANT FOR SAKE OF KIDS) But she seems to want him out of our lives and I feel that is unfair to kids

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 1 year ago.
Can't control her and can't understand her. She will move on eventually. Your strategy is to praise him when he does the right thing by the kids. Feed his ego. That way it makes him feel good and he will do more of it. And as far as you and her, BE NICE. Let her be the worst person in the world, and you kill her with kindness. Why? Well, it won't cause anger in you, and it is the right thing to do.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

your right, i know thats what i have to do. I suppose I just needed to be reminded. ( actually I can cope with her, at times both kids I and I think her behaviour is very very funny) but deep down my fear is, as i praise him, we get close, thats what always happens. I just dont want to end back in the same mess that I had to call in solictors to sort out. AT times I feel it would be better if he wasnt in my life, but that is unfair to kids.. If Im honest sometimes I get fed up feeding his ego ( its big ego to fell ) but talking things through with you is helping me sort out my head out

Expert:  Dr.G. replied 1 year ago.
I doubt you will get back to him because you are aware now of the tricks and behaviors that he uses. It won't happen if you don't let it. It's not like one day you wake up and say oops I guess we are back together. It will get easier for you. You are already seeing it as you gain independence. As long as the focus is on the kids then it should all work out. Good luck to you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

your right. Tonite I got really angry and frustrated with him, but it was only because of kids issues. i also got angry that he was wasting my time, I wasnt crying because he was heading to bunny boilers house. I guess once all is settled with solictors i will be ok. Kids are doing great despite all and while they love their dad theye are not stupid re his behaviour. I am a psychiatric nurse so have some savy. But its good to hear some one tell me to keep going. Despite all my ex and I can laugh and while I think he has issues he can be very funny( I like funny) I just get tired having to watch out for the player in him. But also if he is a player with me , he is a player with her, thats why she is insecure .I will live my life , let them get on with it, and as you say praise him re kids and if that dosnt work I will shout at him ( actually that has worked quite well at times)

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Other.
ir eceived no reply tolast message i sent
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

You don't need to be married to a player any longer.

You have set out on a course of divorce to free yourself from this man and you are almost there.

Keep going and don't give up. Don't let him talk you out of this. You need to follow through on this. You will come out of this stronger and can then concentrate on spending more quality time with the children.

Hopefully he will come to his senses.

I shall keep you and your famly in my prayers.

If I can be of furher assistance, please don' hesitate to get back to me and I shall do all thatI I can to assist you. Ask for me by name, Elliott.

Warm regards,

Elliott

MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

thanks, as I read over my messages. I think I am afraid that in the future I will end up back with him, and that would make the divorce not needed in the first place. But I know if you knew my full story you would say keep going,. I know if my ex had it all to do over again he would have held unto myself and his family life. He is not talking me out of divorce, I feel he knows its the only way maybe he will get some order back in his life. I also know that I have to accept that I cant controll everything and I supose in my heart I would love that we could be friends, but mostly what I would really love is that he becomes more functional and that I could respect him again, and be proud of him. At times I feel like his therapist but feel I have to do that because time has shown it help him be able to be a better father to the kids. People have said I am too good re that and that i should let him fail re kids. I disagree with that because, why let the kids suffer when I know I can get better results . I also know he loves the them. What I do know , is when he gets better re kids, bunny boiler throughs a wobbler and has to get extra attention. I in turn tell him to wise up and kids have to come first, I have actually made good work re same ( . I do fell she needs to grow up, she is about 60 yars old, never had kids, he is 62 , I was his second wife, who got on really well with his first two kids. I am 54 and I am getting fed up with all this silliness. If I was a gambler I would say he loves me, but is wise enough to know the situation is to muddled to start again. Kids and I do go to church, I pray and so do kids. I have to keep going and leave the rest to god, and in the future we can be friends thats a bonus Thanks V

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear V,

Reading and re-reading all that you have said I believe that you have wisely chosen the right course. The most important part is staying on course.

He may love you, but he has abandoned you for a lesser woman and he lets her control his life and interfere with his parenting.

He does is best as a father, but in many ways he has already failed them. They understand that he is not a committed father. If he was he would never have broken his family.

In future, he may make a better friend than a husband. You are still young and you may yet meet someone who knows how to treat you, and is also a God-fearing church going person. You are still a good single mom now and that can be sufficient.

You are teaching your children well, guiding them spiritually, and giving them the support they need.

I strongly urge you to stay on your course. Go through with the divorce and don't expect him to change. He is too old and set in his ways, and has wandered too far of course to find a new and righteous path. Stay on yours and you shall prosper.

I hope that I have been helpful to you. Please let me know and address any more concerns to me as well. I am here to help. That is why I do this for my livelihood.

I shall keep you and your children in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

thank you so much you have been great. you have summed it all up brillantly. I just needed reassurance that I am not seeing things clearly.I will score you well but just wanted to say thanks . If in future I need to talk I will be very happy to contact you.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much for your very kind words and your confidence in me. I will be happy to help you any time you need me and I am often on line (more on than off I am afraid Laughing ).


I wish you and your family the best of success and courage.

Warm regards,

Elliott

(just ask for me by name)

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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