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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hello, Im going to give you short facts about me so you can

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Hello, I'm going to give you short facts about me so you can get an idea and background details. I'm 25 years old, moved & transferred to a different school for husband (whom I’d known for just 3 months at the time), dropped out to work full time to support husband and self, had to take a break from school for 3.5 years and now back in school, have been moving around state to state for husband, no family (they live abroad) and haven’t seen them in 3 years since the wedding, no friends due to moving around and going to school at “old” age
So the main issue I would like to get an answer for is that he, although is the nicest person and caring, does not actually do anything to make me happy. He does not put in efforts like I do, such as doing things just for the fun of it, getting things because he knows I like it, cleaning the house (like ever), planning anything (trips, fun night out, dates..) for us, caring about my family (due to language difference, he can’t even communicate with them and despite my pleas over and over he has yet to learn my native language to communicate even a little bit with my family), or anything else. I just recently came to a realization that I gave up so much for him and will give up so much always, and yet he does not make efforts to show his appreciation or to show that he even knows what I do for him is something rare. He comes home, I cook dinner, house is clean, I get him beer, and he watches tv or plays games. Don’t get me wrong he is attentive when I need him to be, and he would put me first if I wasn’t busy cooking or something. I just want you to know that he’s not the typical “I’m too tired after work to care about you” type of husband at all. Also I realized that I need my own hobbies and group of friends, instead of his co-workers and his best friend (who is too involved in our relationship, by the way.) But above all, with all this realization, and a huge fight we had due to his lying about such little things, I asked him not to hide things or lie about things. He has always had this tendency to hide things from me to avoid conflict or getting me upset. The things he hides are just so insignificant I can’t understand why he hides them. When he hides things from me, I get so upset at the fact that he would lie about anything to me. I tell him EVERYTHING. And yet he has shown me that he would hide things from me over and over. So I begged him, even with a long letter, to not hide things from me. I also expressed my feelings about how I feel he is not making enough efforts (I put it in different words though, sensible words, thanks to my psychology classes) and I would like to see some changes. He took it pretty hard, and said he did not see our relationship was in that bad shape. Although I’d been unhappy and depressed for years, I guess he did not see the problems. Anyway, the reason why I started writing to you right now is this: my husband asked me a while ago if I wanted to play in a social sports league with him (as he has been for a couple months with his friend and that season is over) and I said no. He seemed bummed, but said he was just looking for things to do since his other league is over now. I said I just don’t feel like it, and we stopped talking about it. Last night, I could not sleep and was up late, and all sudden decided to register both of us for the sports league to surprise him. I paid for it and everything. I got up just 5 hours later just so that I can make him breakfast and lunch, and help him get ready for work. I told him about the league, and he said he was very excited and happy. He went to work. 10 minutes or so later he calls and tells me that he is already registered for the league with his friend, and when I asked him why he didn’t tell me he said, “because you didn’t seem excited about it when I asked you.” So he was already registered with the league when he asked me about it, meaning he paid for it and everything as well without telling me. Now I know it seems insignificant, but it just broke me. After all that I did with him he lied again. The letter, crying, and the long talks time after time did not work. He joined the league with his freaking best friend, did not tell me, and did not have the balls to tell me when I told him about it this morning either. I don’t think he can ever change at this point. I feel like I’m talking to a brick wall. What’s worse is that everyone who knows him likes him and thinks he is a great guy, and he really is, so it makes me think that I’m just being ungrateful for what he has and am focusing on the negatives too much..or something. Am I being too picky and asking for too much? Is it me with the problems? Why can’t he just tell me the truth?? It’s been 5 and a half years! Every time I tell him that lying is so much worse than telling the truth. Will he ever change? And if he doesn’t, then do I just live with it be happy with whatever he does? Please help..
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

It is not you who has the problem. You are beyond wonderful in the way you treat him, and he does not seem to appreciate who you are or what you do for him.

He may be a narcissist, meaning he cares only about himself and his own needs.

Narcissists always do and say things so that others think they are wonderful people. They like to be admired and will manipulate others for gain or admiration. They are the best liars, and perhaps that is why he lies to you - to manipulate you.

The worst thing about a narcissist is that they are UNABLE to feel empathy for others, to care about their pain or suffering. It does not touch them. They can pretend that they care because they are great actors, but THEY DO NOT FEEL much as a blind man cannot see.

He is NOT a great guy. He is a selfish and uncaring person who doesn't have any feelings or regards XXXXX XXXXX Others may think so but if they knew how he really treats you they would not like him a bit.

It is very rare for a narcissist to want to go to counseling. You both should go together to a marriage and family therapist (LMFT) but he probably will not go, and if he did he would charm the therapist and put the blame on you.

Naricissists victimize others. Then they claim that THEY are the victims and that the others are the perpetrators.

You are beginning to think that you are the bad person. You are a wonderful person and deserve to be treated much better than this.

He will not change and you should not remain in this relationship. You deserve someone who appreciates you and treats you kindly and respects your family. You may be physically bonded to him, and may be addicted to this relationship, but it is hurting you and destroying your life.

Let me recommend two books for you and I strongly urge you to get.

Product Details

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson

 

and

 

Product Details

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy LCSW JD and Randi Kreger

 

Get the books and read them. You will learn a lot, and how to respond and move your life forward.

 

I wish you God's blessings and shall keep you in my prayers.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC


Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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