How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Karin Samms Your Own Question

Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Karin Samms is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I feel fallen. I thought by setting the boundries things would

Resolved Question:

I feel fallen. I thought by setting the boundries things would work out. Unfortunately, it has only highlighted what is not working. We are a merged family. It is sad to report, although we are "cordial" to one another the ties are strongly linked between families most likely due to having adult children. The sad part is that I have taught my girls to make the family number one and learn to make things work and unfortunately the other side and taken that for granted. They belive if you get someone to agree to something (despite any hidden agendas) you have won. After a year of this I finally drew the line and began to break things down. I use to give all the college kids (mine and his) money to just spend, I cut that out stating that whomever works does not need that support (crash and burn they did). I no longer spend time trying to invite or wait for his children to arrive to dinner except simply just make dinner or go out. IF they should call or be there they are invited otherwise no. One BIG mistake was to get my husband's dauther a big dog. We developed rules and she ignored them pointing at everyone else but herself. To a point where she would throw left over food on the wood floor in front of me and say, "I will clean it up." After seven months of trying to reason, I decided to shut this one down too. In February, I explained to my husband that there are things I no longer want to live with, one of the few is with this big dog in which the piss and the filth continues to be in the house and his daughter, adminittedly so by my own husband, does not care. He agreed. All of a sudden the rules I had in place were being followed but we had agreed that the dog would leave when she left for college. Despite the rules now being followed I felt that the dog still must go. What I say and put in place the FIRST time needs to be adhere to and not take SEVEN months to follow. So i've stood my ground and simply stated that "I don't believe this is a real situation and had she followed basic rules even when warned this would not have been the case. She needs to be held accountable for her actions so the dog goes and she had not apologized ONCE for her actions" Despite what I say, my husband is still pushing for the dog (despite that she is leaving for Georgia Tech) and anytime she cries about what I have said or done he persecutes me before asking. I have threathened to leave on numerous occassions and this last time have moved myself out of our bedroom into my daughter's room and did not speak to him and made plans to simply leave. He finally convinced me to have "dinner" with him where we talked and he now understood what was right. Then this weekend passed. I have told him and everyone in the house not to park in the driveway (except for my husband). I drive over an hour each way and would like to come and go as I please at my liesure. Therie is plenty of space out in the street. Everything was fine for months until this weekend. The time is getting close for my stepdauther to find a home for her dog and all of the sudden my husband began parking on my space? I asked him WHY are you parking there when I had asked your clearly - his response was "I want to make everything equal" I said, "you have you space too what is the issue" Then he said if I wanted that spot back I had to pull all the way to the front to allow someone else to park. THERE IS NO ONE ELSE BUT HIS DAUTHER AND MINE WHO DO NOT PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY AND I KNOWTHAT MY DAUTHER HAS NEVER COMPLAINED. I went balistic and asked for a divorce stating what I know for a fact. I am tired of this and what's worse is he states "a parking space would never be worth my marraige" but it is, I'm only drawing the line. Then whe I asked "be truthful, WHY DO WE NEED another space if you and I have a spot? I know Brianna, (my daughter) did not ASK so this has to be about your daughter. you are choosing again and this is rediculous. So I said I wanted a divorce I am not first and I can not live in a situation where I am not first in my husbands priorties. I feel a little taken aback at the recent response, but I'm not sure how to move forward. The next step is to actually file for divorce and move one because nothing has worked and no commitment has been kept yet they are making me feel like the bad guy because I've finally had enought - I'm not sure what to do.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I am so very sorry to hear of what you're experiencing; you are right in holding those boundaries however, there seem to be many underlying issues of your husband choosing his daughter over you and this is hurting you immensely. It feels like a power struggle for you and all it seems you've wanted, is to be treated respectfully XXXXX XXXXX Your response, in wanting a divorce, feels very much like a huge cry for him to see how upset this all is making you. You could go and chat with a family lawyer about this (or ask the question here on just answer for a lawyer), and see how you might proceed and or whether you both could benefit from seeing a couple counselor?

You're reaching out to him, you're terribly emotionally wounded by these individual issues and he doesn't seem to know HOW to stick up for you as he doesn't know how or cannot understand how this is all affecting you.

You may want to revisit your conditions and find a way to communicate further with him (like you did this last time) - just you and your husband, talking through this may need a professional sitting with you though, as I can imagine the conversation could become quite heated and you may continue to experience him as not putting you first nor understanding your needs.

I agree with you, and as a mother myself, I know that I would feel very disrespected if kids didn't accept the rules of the house and dismissed things said to them, so please understand that your feelings are very normal, however your reactions to them are more about the underlying issues of your husband not putting you first and you very much feeling this way. You are most certainly NOT the bad guy and you DO deserve to be treated with some respect - by them all, but it feels you're wanting it more so from your husband - as if you and your husband are a united front - nothing can permeate that boundary and this is where you would get your strength from as a couple and as parents.

I hope this is providing you with some points to consider and perhaps offering some further clarity, I truly hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
----------
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency