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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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I feel fallen. I thought by setting the boundries things would

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I feel fallen. I thought by setting the boundries things would work out. Unfortunately, it has only highlighted what is not working. We are a merged family. It is sad to report, although we are "cordial" to one another the ties are strongly linked between families most likely due to having adult children. The sad part is that I have taught my girls to make the family number one and learn to make things work and unfortunately the other side and taken that for granted. They belive if you get someone to agree to something (despite any hidden agendas) you have won. After a year of this I finally drew the line and began to break things down. I use to give all the college kids (mine and his) money to just spend, I cut that out stating that whomever works does not need that support (crash and burn they did). I no longer spend time trying to invite or wait for his children to arrive to dinner except simply just make dinner or go out. IF they should call or be there they are invited otherwise no. One BIG mistake was to get my husband's dauther a big dog. We developed rules and she ignored them pointing at everyone else but herself. To a point where she would throw left over food on the wood floor in front of me and say, "I will clean it up." After seven months of trying to reason, I decided to shut this one down too. In February, I explained to my husband that there are things I no longer want to live with, one of the few is with this big dog in which the piss and the filth continues to be in the house and his daughter, adminittedly so by my own husband, does not care. He agreed. All of a sudden the rules I had in place were being followed but we had agreed that the dog would leave when she left for college. Despite the rules now being followed I felt that the dog still must go. What I say and put in place the FIRST time needs to be adhere to and not take SEVEN months to follow. So i've stood my ground and simply stated that "I don't believe this is a real situation and had she followed basic rules even when warned this would not have been the case. She needs to be held accountable for her actions so the dog goes and she had not apologized ONCE for her actions" Despite what I say, my husband is still pushing for the dog (despite that she is leaving for Georgia Tech) and anytime she cries about what I have said or done he persecutes me before asking. I have threathened to leave on numerous occassions and this last time have moved myself out of our bedroom into my daughter's room and did not speak to him and made plans to simply leave. He finally convinced me to have "dinner" with him where we talked and he now understood what was right. Then this weekend passed. I have told him and everyone in the house not to park in the driveway (except for my husband). I drive over an hour each way and would like to come and go as I please at my liesure. Therie is plenty of space out in the street. Everything was fine for months until this weekend. The time is getting close for my stepdauther to find a home for her dog and all of the sudden my husband began parking on my space? I asked him WHY are you parking there when I had asked your clearly - his response was "I want to make everything equal" I said, "you have you space too what is the issue" Then he said if I wanted that spot back I had to pull all the way to the front to allow someone else to park. THERE IS NO ONE ELSE BUT HIS DAUTHER AND MINE WHO DO NOT PARK IN THE DRIVEWAY AND I KNOWTHAT MY DAUTHER HAS NEVER COMPLAINED. I went balistic and asked for a divorce stating what I know for a fact. I am tired of this and what's worse is he states "a parking space would never be worth my marraige" but it is, I'm only drawing the line. Then whe I asked "be truthful, WHY DO WE NEED another space if you and I have a spot? I know Brianna, (my daughter) did not ASK so this has to be about your daughter. you are choosing again and this is rediculous. So I said I wanted a divorce I am not first and I can not live in a situation where I am not first in my husbands priorties. I feel a little taken aback at the recent response, but I'm not sure how to move forward. The next step is to actually file for divorce and move one because nothing has worked and no commitment has been kept yet they are making me feel like the bad guy because I've finally had enought - I'm not sure what to do.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I am so very sorry to hear of what you're experiencing; you are right in holding those boundaries however, there seem to be many underlying issues of your husband choosing his daughter over you and this is hurting you immensely. It feels like a power struggle for you and all it seems you've wanted, is to be treated respectfully XXXXX XXXXX Your response, in wanting a divorce, feels very much like a huge cry for him to see how upset this all is making you. You could go and chat with a family lawyer about this (or ask the question here on just answer for a lawyer), and see how you might proceed and or whether you both could benefit from seeing a couple counselor?

You're reaching out to him, you're terribly emotionally wounded by these individual issues and he doesn't seem to know HOW to stick up for you as he doesn't know how or cannot understand how this is all affecting you.

You may want to revisit your conditions and find a way to communicate further with him (like you did this last time) - just you and your husband, talking through this may need a professional sitting with you though, as I can imagine the conversation could become quite heated and you may continue to experience him as not putting you first nor understanding your needs.

I agree with you, and as a mother myself, I know that I would feel very disrespected if kids didn't accept the rules of the house and dismissed things said to them, so please understand that your feelings are very normal, however your reactions to them are more about the underlying issues of your husband not putting you first and you very much feeling this way. You are most certainly NOT the bad guy and you DO deserve to be treated with some respect - by them all, but it feels you're wanting it more so from your husband - as if you and your husband are a united front - nothing can permeate that boundary and this is where you would get your strength from as a couple and as parents.

I hope this is providing you with some points to consider and perhaps offering some further clarity, I truly hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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Kindest Regards, Karin
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