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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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is there anything I can do to get over insecurities ? I

Resolved Question:

is there anything I can do to get over insecurities ?

I have been seeing this man for last 1 year

I really like him but I have my personal problem which

I cannot stop keep looking at every small single updates of his facebook status and
his history and stoking online. and I feel so upset and insecured when
he interacts with other women and his comments that he says I like your smile or something to other womens facebook photos etc.....


as I know I feel so insecured and I feel upset when I see his such posts
I tried to not to see them or tried to arrange these not to be appeared on my news feed but then I again come back to the same as I want to know in case
he is flirting other women or any crucial events that may make me decide what to do with him .

sometimes he wants to keep his own way and not contact or keep in touch with me and he does not
respond my texts and he does not initiate contact with me.
But without exception, he s always on facebook while he does not contact me.
which makes me to go on checking facebook in order to keep in touch with him indirectly but this makes me feel even anxious and feel insecured.

I know I have to stop looking at his facebook ,,,,,,,, it makes me feel sick and I really want to get my life back. I tried to be confident as there s no obvious sign that he is dating with other women or actually flirting with other women ,
but I really feel upset and insecured when I see his comments of compliments to other women saying oh you look goergous , or you look beautiful or I love your smile etc ,,,, as he never done this to me but he does this to other women on facebook............


I know its my problem.... but I feel he does not secure me or I feel he does nt love me. .......

I know I should be more confident and I just need to flirt with other men instead...........

But I really really want to get over my Jealousy feeling, insecurities .....do you have any ideas anything that can help me ?

Rika
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 11 months ago.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question.

Deardebra :

What is happening is you love him and you are afraid of losing him. But I want you to think differently when it comes to this relationship. The reasons why you have these insecurities is because you need him to tell you how he feels about you.

Deardebra :

If you knew how much he loves and cared about you, then you would not care about any comments he leaves on others Facebook.

Deardebra :

His personality sounds like he pays attention to others on Facebook, but does not do this with you because he is guarded and does not want you to know how he really feels. I think he is afraid to open up out of fear of getting hurt. So he might not answer texts, even though he is probably waiting for them all day from you.

Deardebra :

It's like he does not want you to know how he feels about you, but everything you just told me seems like someone that does not want you to know that he is in love with you.

Deardebra :

It's ok to look at his Facebook because you want to share in his life and know what things he is doing that is normal. But the comments that he makes you could also tell him that they bother you.

Deardebra :

His focused should be on you and he should be leaving you comments, but he is protecting himself from feeling vulnerable.

Deardebra :

The reason why is he has no attachment with these women. But you he loves, he cares what you think and how you see him as a person.

Deardebra :

You both have been together for a year and that is a long committed relationship. The only way for your insecurities to stop is for him to reassure you that you are the only one for him, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. What you see is him paying attention to other people, but it is only because you are important too him and he feels that open up too you will put him in a very vulnerable stage that he is not ready for, will this change, yes. How will it changed by you reassuring him how much you love and care for him. Someone with this type of personality

Deardebra :

needs to know that you need him in your life that he is someone you want to be with.

Deardebra :

Also asking his opinions on things and sharing pieces of your life will help him feel like he is needed and valued in your life.

Deardebra :

When you love someone so much and you are afraid on losing them it causes jealousy and insecurities and knowing the reason why is the first step.

Deardebra :

You want to look at things this way that you are an amazing person and you deserve the best. You want to know that you are someone that he could never live with out and is not going anywhere, because you are someone so special that you could never be replaced. You need to know that he loves you and is not interested in anyone else but you.

Deardebra :

You are right now questioning his love for you, but I see something else, I see someone that is afraid to express his feelings out of fear that if he opens up that he might get hurt.

Deardebra :

Opening up takes time, it has been a year but he might need more time to realize that you are here to stay and you are not going to leave him, that you love him.

Deardebra :

The minutes those insecurities come across your mind I want you to think positive and do not let those negative thoughts enter your mind.

Deardebra :

I want you to think about how much he truly loves you and how long you have been together. He chose to be with you because he seen something in you that he could not find in anyone else. That is why you are still together because he loves you.

Customer:

thank you for giving me insight into my feelings .

Customer:

I really appreciate that .

Customer:

its challenging for me to express my care and love to somebody who acts aloof and distance from me, and i do not want to be needful and insecure around him as it apparently kills mans attraction to women that s i learnt from him last 1 year as well.

Customer:

I did send him text message to see how he is going, showing i care for him . He doesn't respond last 3 days but he has been active on facebook last 3 days, which means he ignored me. which does not make me send him love and care again..... he is a busy person with two kids so i know i am not the firs t priority as it should be and kids should be the first priority . but then he always is on facebook contacting with people keeping in touch so facebook seems his priority and the kids are his excuse not to contact me. he may just wanna be distant from me for a while or something ,. i really cannot read his mind. i am hopless. so instead of trying to make him express his feelings to me, i rather find hobbies or friends that excites me to make my mind off from him.

Customer:

i really want to express my feeling s to him and i want him to do the same to me i wish i could do that as you told . but i really do not have guts to do . i really wanna be more feminine and do nt want to act like a man who do things , initiating contacts asking him out inviting him to my home etc...... he is acting aloof from me at the moment so i am acting aloof from him too. he is cutting contact from me so i don't want to beg for him over and over..... i really don t . This makes me think he is the centre of my happiness now and my feelings depending on him. such a vulnerable me. I wanna find happiness and fulfilment for other things . i really struggle for finding this. i want to be happy just being myself. i want to be fulfilled without being around him. because i know he cannot be with me all the time. he has two kids. i really like him but i think i should get my own life back.

Customer:

i have friends and family whom i can contact but the fulfilment being around him is the best, XXXXX XXXXX subconsciously seek for him instead of contacting friends and my family . but in reality i cannot keep on doing this as he is not available for me all the time. that leaves me disatisfuction. frustration and vulnerability. I really don t know how i can make him want me as much as i wan t him

Deardebra : Thank you for your question.
Deardebra : what I feel you need to do is understand that the time he decides not to respond he is missing out on being with a wonderful person. He needs to reach out and connect with you. If Facebook is how he communicates that contact him of Facebook. Like his comments and things he puts up. Let him know that you are there.
Deardebra : he feels like he does not have to show you his feelings because opening u would be too much for him to handle.
Deardebra : He feels the need to socialize with others and he thinks that you will be there when he decides to contact you.
Deardebra : He needs to know how you feel about him. You could write a letter or an email telling him how you feel. Since you know he is on Facebook I would write it there telling him how you feel.
Deardebra : Right now you both are not communicating your feels for each other and I feel it is both because you fear opening up. You do not want to put your feelings out there because you are worried he will not respond back. But I feel he doesn't know how you feel.
Deardebra : He is waiting for you to tell him you live and care for him.
Deardebra : You do want to also connect with friends and family and do things in life you love. The reason why this is so hard is because you want to do all the things you love with him. You want to share your life with him. But you also need to tell him that you want him in your life. Take the risk and tell him how you feel.
Deardebra : This is someone you really care about and you feel vulnerable because you love and care about him. It is very normal to feel vulnerable the reason why is in life you have control over your feelings and when you meet someone special your feelings become confusing.
Deardebra : They become hard to figure out because they become overwhelmed by love.
Deardebra : This is why it is important to be yourself and express what us on your mind.
Deardebra : You want him to get to know you for who you really are and also be that person you always wanted to be.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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