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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1381
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hi, I truly hope you can give me advice and assist me on

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Hi,

I truly hope you can give me advice and assist me on either finding closure or on what I should do!

I started seing this girl some seven months ago and things really went well. Before we started dating I asked her if she was ready for a realtionship, to which she answer "yes".

As our relationship progressed she started saying things like "I was the perfect guy and that if there was anyone she would get married to it would be me, as well as any woman would be so lucky to have me as her partner etc". These affirmations made me really believe that I had found my one true love and that this was the sure thing, slowly I fell more and more in love with her.

Then things slowly started changing, she started saying things like she is frustrated with herself because she cannot give me what she wants to give me, because of her past relationships as they where quite intense and abusive, not only in a physical and mental nature but on the sexual side. As to the exact extent I do not know as this was not discussed in depth, because I didn't want to unduelly cause her pain to re live her past in questioning etc.

I tried to be supportive of her and suggested that she go and seek assistance to get over her issues, if she was uncomfortable talking to me about them which she duely did. about 5 days after her first session I got the imfimass " I cannot carry on like this, can't we just be friends" line. She often would also say that I am going to leave her.......

I really love her and we have now been sepporated for two months....how is it possible to just walk away so quickly from someone you supposedly love?

We still have contact, but it is very one sided and she never really hangs around long enough to actually talk. She just says that she is not ready for a relationship?

I guess my actual question here is do I move on? or do I wait it out at the risk of never having a second chance?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Hello. She is having some self esteem issues which stem from her previous relationships. You didn't say if she was continuing with counseling or not, but I would guess that she was advised to not enter into a relationship until she solved her own personal issues.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to just be friends with her if you feel uncomfortable doing this. She is keeping you in limbo after the initial relationship was taking off. I would have a very blunt and honest conversation with her and tell her just about what you said here in your question. Explain to her your feelings about her and how hurt you are by her actions. Say that you don't feel you can be just friends with her and you need to know if she isn't willing to give the relationship a second chance, that you need to know so you can move on. Ask her if you should wait for her or not. Tell her that you support her and are more than willing to help her and wait this out because you have such deep feelings for her and that it would be very difficult for you to walk away and move on, but that you have to do it for your own stability if she wishes to throw this away.
In this situation, you are just going to have to be very up front with her in order to get the answers that you need to be able to make the choices that you need to make for your own future.
She may really want to be with you, but because of how she was treated in the past, she can't feel like she deserves someone who treats her well. She thinks that she should be treated badly because she isn't worth it. These problems are very common with women especially and unfortunately you cannot fix this for her, she is the only one who can work on her self worth.
So, decide what YOU want and take steps to find out if this is something she can work with you on. Don't feel guilty for having your own emotional needs. Be supportive and be honest with her.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1381
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige
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Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist