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JaRee1993
JaRee1993, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience:  I am a licensed Mental Health Counselor who does individual, group, relationships, family and pastoral counseling
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Hi, I moved to Germany 8 months ago, to work for a very good

Resolved Question:

Hi,
I moved to Germany 8 months ago, to work for a very good and stable company; however my girlfriend lives in France, and when I asked her 6 months ago if she wanted to move in at some point she said yes, that she would look for a job where I am and she would move; but now she changed her mind and says that she can not move because she would miss her family so much.
We have been together for 4 years, and I was living and working in France the first 2 years but then I had to leave because the company broke, and I couldn't find anything there (I do not speak French), then I was able to move to Italy (I am from there) for a time but the company was not good and I was looking for jobs back in France meanwhile, but at the end this great job opportunity appeared in Germany and I took it thinking that as my girlfriend speaks fluent German we would be able to be together there.
We love each other very much, and we do want to have a life together but, now she refuses to come to live for more than 2 years; and I dont want to leave this company where professionally speaking is the top company in my field with and an excellent professional future. I have been looking everywhere before coming to Germany and I was close to have an offer back where she lives when this opportunity happened.
She never tried moving or applying outside France, and now I feel like it is me the one who has to sacrifice my dream job to find something and go back to France. Because she can't live without her family, but with me here in Germany.
I don't know what to do.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 1 year ago.

JaRee1993 :

Hello, I am a mental health counselor and would like to try to help you with your question

Customer:

Hi,

JaRee1993 :

I can understand your frustration with not knowing what to do now, especailly when you made the decision together for you to take the job and her to join you.

Customer:

yes, it is difficult, and I don't have a good solution for it

JaRee1993 :

It is even more frustrating when you are getting two different opinions of what you should do from your friends and her friends and family.

Customer:

I was wondering what are your thoughts on this

JaRee1993 :

I am not sure there is a solution that will make both of you happy. Whichever way you go you will gain something and lose something. The thing that you have to figure out is what decision you can make and be at peace with the decision. Does that make sense?

JaRee1993 :

Tell me about your relationship with your girlfriend and how it would feel for you if you were not together.

Customer:

it would be devastating, but I have been thru several very difficult situations after loosing my job and I don't know what scares me more...the fact that she is not even trying to look for anything makes me feel even worse

Customer:

we have a very good relationship, we get along very very well

Customer:

even with the long distance relationship, but now is a mayor decision

JaRee1993 :

I am sure that you would be devastated by losing her, but, as you said, the career issue is also extremely important to you. Is there a chance she will consider trying it for 6 months in Germany before you two make the decision together where to live?

Customer:

yes, she would be ready to comitt for even 2 years; but I can develop a career and I dont know how I feel of limiting our time to 2 years. I have very serious chances to develop professionally but I need more than 2 years to have senior expertise.

JaRee1993 :

My next question to you would be; if you give in and go back to France and did not find a good job, would you resent her and then that would become a problem between the two of you?

Customer:

probably yes, because I do not speak French

JaRee1993 :

Could you learn to speak French? If she is willing to come to Germany for two years I would say that is trying to meet you half way with the situation. Two years is a long time and in that two years she may come to love Germany, you can learn to speak French, something may open up in France that you would love, or something could happen with your job. I guess what I am trying to say is that a lot can happen in two years that will change the dynamics of the situation so I would not make your decision based on what will happen in two years. Am I making sense?

JaRee1993 :

May I ask how old the two of you are?

Customer:

yes, makes sense. I would be happy to learn French, and go back at some point, but I didn't want to set a limit on time, because as you said a lot can happen, and in the same way I could want to stay longer and then she might want to move back, and it would be 2 years "wasted"; I was hoping to get a stronger commitment from her side. we are 30.

Customer:

additional info: I have now my dream job,she wants to find another job, but she wants to be with close to her family

Customer:

(even though it takes about the same to visit by plane from where I am, than by car from her current place)

JaRee1993 :

I understand where you are coming from with not wanting to set a time limit, nonetheless, for her I am sure two year commitment seems like a long time to be away from her family, especially if she is really close to them. Also, spending two years with someone that you love is never wasted and gives the two of you time to build an even stronger relationship, develop friendships and a life together there. It does not sound as though you are ready to choose between her and your job right now and that you have a chance to not have to do that. The two years she has offered sounds like the best option for the two of you.

Customer:

i agree, but she would like for me to commit to go back after 2 years. And I deeply wish I could stay longer...

JaRee1993 :

Nonetheless, this is a decision only you can make and it is easy for everyone who is not in hers and your shoes to give you advice. Your friends and family want what they think is best for you and her family and friends want what they think is best for her. Ask her if the two of you can try it for two years and if she is not happy and you can find as good of a job in France as you have there that you will go. In other words put some conditions on the commitment. Do you think she will agree to that?

Customer:

maybe, in any case I think that it is the best option I have at the moment... (one final detail: it hurt me a bit when her mother told me that I have chosen my job over her, because I'm my mind that was not the idea, I always thought that in the current situation it is very important to have a good job to be the grounds for the future family, but her mothers idea is that a job is just a job, and that influences my GF as well)

JaRee1993 :

I think I can help you understand that remark. Mothers are very protective of their children, especially their daughters. No matter how old your girlfriend gets she will always be her mother's little girl and she will want to keep her close to protect her. I am sure her mother is very frightened of being that far away from her and that is all she is thinking about. it is difficult for mothers to let go and let their daughters grow up and leave home. So do not take that statement of hers to heart. Try to understand were it is coming from and assure her you will take good care of her little girl. Make sure she knows she is welcome to come visit. When she sees that her daughter is happy she will be okay with the decision. Does that help?

Customer:

Yes, it helps very much.

JaRee1993 :

I am glad to be able to help you. May I check back in with you in a couple of weeks to see how it is going?

Customer:

I will propose her to come with conditions and lets see what can we agree on. Yes I will be happy if you do.

Customer:

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate a non-bias advise, and it opens a door so we don’t have to break up and at the same time continue with my job. Thank you

JaRee1993 :

If my answers have been helpful to you please complete rating survey so that I can receive my pay and also know how to best serve our customers. Thank you again for contacting Just Answer . Ja`Ree

Customer:

will do, thanks

JaRee1993, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience: I am a licensed Mental Health Counselor who does individual, group, relationships, family and pastoral counseling
JaRee1993 and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 1 year ago.
Hello, It is JaRee and I wanted to follow up and see how things are going with you and your girlfriend. I hope to hear back from you as to how things are going. Ja`Ree

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