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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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AM TOLD THE SHE LOVES ME (KNOWN AND DATED FOR YEARS) AND A

Resolved Question:

AM TOLD THE SHE LOVES ME (KNOWN AND DATED FOR YEARS) AND A GUY SHE HAS KNOWN A MONTH. HE LIED AND CHEATED AND THEY SPLIT. I THEN LET MY HEART OUT CONFESSING I LOVED HER AND WANTED FUTURE MARRIAGE. SHE SAID SHE WAS CONFUSED AND LOVED BOTH OF US. THEN SAID SHE LOVED HIS MORE... I STOPPED COMMUNICATING AND SHE BROKE IT OFF WITH HIM. WE ARE TALKING. IS THERE A CHANCE FOR THE RELATIONSHIP?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this challenging situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If I understood your message well, you said you have known each other and dated for years in the past, and that she has been dating this new person, who she said she loves more than you in the present, but recently end relationship with him, right?

Customer: I think she was infatuated with this other guy. Yes she did end it after I stopped communicating with her
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For an adult to state after a month of dating a person she just met, that she loves him, even when he was not loyal nor honest towards her, could show a person who is not very mature, insecure and who needs to work on herself in order to be able to take good care of self and develop healthy adult relationships.

Customer: She states that she loves me and that I am all she ever dreamed of but had said that she loves both for different reasons
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she has allowed your present communication after ending her relationship, then it seems you have a good chance for further sharing and possibly to retake your relationship, but the fact she feels this confused and stated she loves him even more than she loves you, shows how much she needs to work on herself. only when she becomes clearer and more stable at the emotional level, she would be able to play a more assertive and constructive role in relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would never suggest anybody in your shoes to push the other person under current circumstances, even less to plan marriage, until you happen to work on past issues leading to the end of your relationship, and present issues separating you.

Customer: She stated that she wanted to find her old self. Should we just talk about what happened or just let her have time and space. We ended it due you lack of communicating our feelings of love. We were both fearful that the other didn't feel the same
Customer: I viewed this as an awakening to open up about my feelings and love for her.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, I do suggest you not to push her, but to keep an open and supportive approach, making it clear you are there for her, willing to support her respecting her boundaries and the need she has to work on clarifying her feelings and expectations.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If lack of effective, direct, open and honest communication was a core issue before, then now you need to be %100 honest and open with each other, since only from there, you would be able to better know and understand what you truly feel, need and want, and to find out with time, if you could really become the best match in each others' lives.

Customer: I have been supportive. Even if she doesn't decide to be with me. How should I view her saying that she loved him more than me? I just viewed it as an infatuation
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Show how much you respect, care and support her during this period, just as you have been doing. Her statements show her insecurities and confusion, and you need to take them seriously in order to take good care of yourself and to adjust your expectations to reality, to her feelings too, since there is no way for a healthy and fulfilling relationship to be built with only one person feeling truly into it, while the other does not feel confident and happy with it, but feeling there is-are other person-s who could complement her and her life better than you. This is tough to face but necessary. This is why being totally honest and respectful with each other is so important right now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In one month people could not get to know another person well enough, and to state she loves him this fast, even after his abusive role shows how unstable she could be and how much she needs to work on maturing at an emotional level.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Only time would show you how much she has worked on herself, how her feelings change and evolve, and how you feel about it, what you would be willing to afford and what could work or not for you around this person.

Customer: Any questions or topics I need to address with her. I opened up completely and laid my heart, feeling and intentions out. She stated that she wanted me to love her but never did. True but if is true of both of us and our fear of rejection.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Just work on developing a truly open and honest communication, no matter how painful or uncomfortable you may feel being that way, since you both need to know what each of you feel, want and need , and from there you would know if you can work on building a healthy and fulfilling relationship or not, by being yourself instead of avoiding reality or playing a nice role only.

Customer: Thank you for the advice
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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