Hello, I hope I can help you. If you have any questions about anything just ask. All of this info is private. Ok, definitely the communication issue is something you would like to work out. First of all you would have to practice the right way to communicate because I know what you are saying and a lot of people that communicate like that always have problems in their relationship because they are seen as arrogant or as negative people. But, also, why would she lie to you so much? Does she have a lying problem?
Thats the thing. She never lies, shes the most sincere person in the world. She lied because she couldn't t
She couldn't face me.
She was scared I would convince her to stay.
OK, I understand. Do you think she sometimes is afraid of your reactions?
Absolutely. I'm by no means abusive, I would never raise a hand and very rarely even raise my voice. But the thing you said about the arrogance and negativity- nail on the head.
Yes, I've seen it before in a lot of couples. It's not cool, but nevertheless it is there. And you have to conquer it in order to save your relationship. It is really hard, I mean you will have to change your TONE, VOLUME (even if you're not shouting a bit more volume can change the way the message is delivered), your ATTITUDE, but mostly, your BODY LANGUAGE...those four are just the right ones. I swear to you, if you can modify that behavior and do it from the heart, you will win her...and maybe there are other things but you will have to tell me about them.
First, how do I go about changing them? Most times I don't even realize I do it. As for other things, there's one large elephant in the room. I asked her to move in with me a year ago. She was hesitant, as she wanted to be engaged before moving in. I told her moving in was a first step toward the engagement. And I never pulled the trigger. She's told me since leaving she wouldn't have left if we were engaged.
OK, you will have to ask of her that she lets you know when you are doing it. That is a really good tool if you learn not to get offended when criticized positively and then try to change the way you're doing it. You both can sit down and record the discussion you are having so that you can learn to listen to yourself and little by little modify it. It may sound stupid but believe me, it works. As for the engagement...Why do you think you held it back?
I'm previously divorced, it was an ugly deal. A bit gun shy from that I think. Heck, maybe that's just an excuse. I also think I was just comfortable where we were at, and possibly taking what we had for granted. I want it, I want to marry her, I just never did it. I always had an excuse.
Is your son from that divorce? I understand why you would take it really slow this time. But from what you've told me she's maybe as good as they come? And again, I understand that you might be scared to tie the knot again. Why does she need that? Is she close to 30 or is she religious? Or does she feel that not being married gives her no security whatsoever?
All of the above. She's 28, semi religious, and after 2 years she's got no guarantees from me. And yes, my son is from my divorce. But my girlfriend loves him very much, and he absolutely adores her. And you're right, I'd be pretty hard pressed to find someone better than her. Dang near impossible I imagine.
There are two important things needed in a relationship so it will work: Emotional Intimacy and Sexual Intimacy. Which one is better in your relationship?
I'd say the sexual. Every time seems just as amazing as the first time. I'd say the emotional end of it is the issue. She's extremely sensitive and sentimental, I'm the polar opposite.
Yeah I understand what you're going through. It's hard but somehow you guys have to connect emotionally if you want to make this work. So I ask you, if she tells you while you're having sexual intercourse, "please don't do this, or don't do that", what would you do?
Referring to the sex? I would stop doing whatever it was immediately. Why?
I'm asking because it seems that the sexual part is really important in your relationship and I bet you will do whatever she wants sexually, just to keep her happy because in that area you two are compatible and good lovers to one another. Now, that same behavior goes to the EMOTIONAL SIDE. I've seen so many guys saying "oh but she gets mad about such STUPID STUFF" and that's what's wrong! You have to give as much importance to the things you think are little to you BUT NOT TO HER, or else, it will not work.
Again, nail on the head. A couple days before she left, she got upset because I asked her why she didn't get potato salad at the store. And that was my exact reaction, STUPID STUFF.
I know, I've had those couples for so long! It's just something you didn't know. I'm saying it from the bottom of my heart: Even if you think what she asks of you is stupid, do it! Unless it is something illegal or impossible to do, or waaaaay to hard for you! Do it! Because it will make your relationship work just like in your sexual relationship!
Eye opening stuff doc. So I ask you this. She's committed to a 3 month program at USC, then would possibly be open to a return here if we can work things out. I'm flying out there for a few days next weekend, and I plan on taking a ring. In your opinion, is it a good idea to propose under these circumstances? I've known I've wanted to be with her forever for a long time. I'm 100% sure I want to marry her. Is the timing off, or should I just do this?
Do what comes natural to you. But make sure that when you propose, you tell her at least, "I know that I haven't given the attention you wanted me to give to some things about my behavior and about stuff you wanted me to change and I swear to you that I will do everything in my power to be more attentive to your emotional needs, not just the physical." and I tell you, you're going to see some sparks...But again, it is your decision. All I ask is that you tell her that you love her and that you will back her up in everything she needs. Think about it just like when you're making love to her. You want her satisfied. That's why a lot of relationships fall apart, because again, the emotional side is just as IMPORTANT to a girl as the sexual side is for a guy!
i've already got the ring, I'd actually been looking for a while before she left. I like what you said, and I think I'm going to use it. She also wants me to seek some sort of therapy, as she's a strong advocate of it. Any advice on what to look for when seeking a therapist?
Just go with someone who can really tell you the stuff you need to hear. If they don't tell you much, I mean if they don't confront you, then what good are they? It seems you are being really open to new ways of looking at this, which let me tell you , I admire in a man a lot! So, look for one you feel comfortable with and maybe it will take you 2 or 3 different ones and you'll have to tell your story a couple of times again. Just do it until you find the right one. Of course I will always say that I'm the right one! But, unless you are cool with talking through writing, I suggest you look for one who you can talk with face to face...But you can always come back if you need me.
Actually, I'm a fan of the non face to face. I'm not exactly one to open up, seems easier to do on a keyboard. I've learned more than I ever thought I could, via online chat. A real eye opener. You've showed me a lot in limited time. Could we possibly set up a few chat sessions?
Definitely. Tell me when or just send me a message I think we can do it over here when we finish this session. It gives me the option to schedule a next one. Would that be cool then with you? And thank you for being so receptive.
Absolutely. I'll message you tomorrow to set something up. Is that how it works?
I think when we finish and you leave your feedback they send me an automatic email telling me if I want to schedule something. You want to talk again in a week? Or more? or less? I'll set it up when you leave and I think you'll get the email with the info
I'd definitely like to talk this week, before I fly out to California to see her. Wednesday or Thursday night, after 9 PM Central time?
Definitely. If you can send me a personal message to my inbox here or to my XXXXXXXX@XXXXXX.XXX just in case. You take care! And remember TONE ATTITUDE VOLUME AND BODY LANGUAGE! And ask her to tell you when you do it...Just like if you were a team! Sounds stupid but it works.
Awesome, thanks a lot.
I just sent you a message. Let me know if you got it, or I can re fill you in.