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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
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I met a woman about 4 months ago and the first 3 months were

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I met a woman about 4 months ago and the first 3 months were amazing. the only problem is she lives 300 miles away. we talk, text, Skype whenever possible and I've made trips to see her. We both mutually opened up to each other and what we're looking for, and everything felt like she could be the one. If I had an ideal check list she fulfills just about everything I want in a wife plus I was smitten when I would be around her. My last trip to see her I asked her to be my girlfriend because the relationship was progressing to the point where sexual contact would be involved and I wanted to make sure it was clear that I wanted her for her and not what she could do for me physically, plus she had dealt with jerks before and I had no intention of being another guy that used her. About 3 weeks after we became "official" we got into an argument about showing affection and feeling connected to each other, I expressed that it was difficult to feel connected given our long distance, (I response to visual and physical touch) coupled with the fact that she wouldn't fully open up to me in some of our conversations. To make up for this she told me in an indirect way that she loved me. It hit me like a ton of bricks and now I'm emotionally retreating from the situation, but she really is great, and in my head i'm trying to figure out a way back to that place where I was "smitten" but i'm having a really hard time. Why did I retreat when she expressed her love & how do I get over that and love her back? I went into this with every intention to gain something serious but now i feel like since she is at a deeper level I should end things as to not unintentionally lead her on.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

20pluscounts :

Hello, I am available to assist you. Welcome!

20pluscounts :

Are you available for a live chat?

20pluscounts :

Your surprise, and tendency to pull away when she dropped the "bricks" on you is a normal reaction. You said it has only been four months, and to hear someone express their love so soon startled you.

20pluscounts :

Certainly part of your reaction could be fear along with the shock.

20pluscounts :

How did you respond to her indirect way of saying she loves you?

20pluscounts :

You ask why you retreated, not surprising that you or anyone in that situation would retreat- To go from four months getting to know each other to pow- expressing love for you -may indicate she is someone who is needy, a bit suffocating. A person is less desirable when they are so quick to divulge those intimate emotions. You are in the very early stages of the relationship, the fireworks of getting to know one another. Her professing those emotions put that fire out, it sounds like.

20pluscounts :

A big part of nurturing and developing a relationship is time together- being so far apart has made that more difficult.

20pluscounts :

Do you think she intended to express such strong emotions? Her intention may have been different than what you "heard" her say- possibly?

Customer:

hello im avaialble to live chat.

Customer:

Um no a later conversation confirmed that she was in love with me.

Customer:

I told her exactly how i felt about her and that i wasn't at love yet and im still trying to develop it.

Customer:

My reaction concerns me for two reason. 1) I could definitely see me falling in love with her so i didn't think it would be shocking to hear it

Customer:

2) despite trying to create a psychological space where I'm not letting what she said affect me and understanding that in my mind I still want to be getting close to and falling in love with her emotionally I'm back tracking. I know that if i let her go and someone picked her up id be deeply saddened and ask myself why i ran away.

20pluscounts :

Great- thanks for joining me! She may be confusing "love" with that warm and fuzzy feeling of a new relationship. Yes- good idea to be straight and honest with her. How did she respond to you telling her you did not feel that way "yet"? " Develop" - is exactly what it is- and that takes time. Part of the excitement of a new relationship is things unknown- when she laid it out so suddenly- kinda took that away.

Customer:

She was understanding when i said i wasn't at her level.

20pluscounts :

You can be uncertain but continue to nurture the relationship- continue to give her the time and attention, to at least know you "tried". Knowing you had such a strong attraction- likely you can get that back.

Customer:

is it common to fall off and gradually get the feeling back?

20pluscounts :

Her making reference to loving you certainly can be re framed into she "digs" you. I think you can get that feeling back- trusting, giving the relationship some time- even knowing you have those doubts.

Customer:

Ive expressed that the distance & her feeling have put a certain amount of pressure on the situation and she understood and kinda of slowed things down in a way.

Customer:

It just baffles me that emotionally i about faced so quickly when i honestly thought i was on my way to being head over heels for her

20pluscounts :

This may have triggered fear in you too- knowing it's getting more serious. The two of you will need to spend a good amount of time together to nurture this relationship- distance is difficult.

Customer:

okay now. thinking and feeling prepared for something serious (because thats where i was at) where & how does this fear manifest and not dissipate when you analyze the situation? (I'm a thinker & i use my head before i let me heart get exposed so this feeling of not being in control of my emotions is perplexing me).

20pluscounts :

It is not a surprise you responded in this way. Remind yourself even though you have been taken aback by this- you can continue to pursue the relationship. It's apparent you have strong feelings for her- and her comments made it so "real"- that's scary. You being a thinker can also explain the shock in this. The affairs of the heart are a bit more difficult to "think" through- it's more about risk, trust, fate, etc.

Customer:

Okay so to combat this feeling, I'm nurturing the relationship (despite feeling differently at times), attempt to spend more time with her. what else can i do by myself that will allow me to get back on track? (sorry if im repeating myself i still cant really wrap myself around this)

20pluscounts :

Your emotions are not right or wrong- they can come out of no where sometimes- giving this some time to consider where it manifests- you can gradually gain more insight. It's likely you are now being more careful- some part of you feels or senses the need to "protect", to be careful- just trust that it's there for some reason.

20pluscounts :

This is not something you can force- or "do", it's more of a process.

20pluscounts :

Being a thinker you are likely looking for a solution- right!

Customer:

yes, haha i want to find the switch that is off and turn it back on

20pluscounts :

Like you said you want to be careful to lose out- to sabotage something that may be good.

20pluscounts :

not to lose out

Customer:

So at what point do i throw in the towel? Is it a matter of if i feel like the feelings just never come back, its time to end it

20pluscounts :

You deserve a "good" relationship- someone who cares and "loves". Not so sure why we mammals tend to be more attracted to something that is "hard to get"- again wired that way. Something that is more difficult to get -is "prized". Maybe it's our hunter gather-er instincts. Right if you do not get that loving feeling back- you will know after some time-

20pluscounts :

Maybe commit to giving it a certain amount of time- say three-six months?

Customer:

See you pinned it right their! hard to get /prized. These are things i was fully aware of before hand but now im falling into that trap. I know/knew this was good but how did i still end up here that is what is very frustrating.

Customer:

So some months to assess if this is actually a good relationship, how do i go about explaining what I'm going through if she asks where my head is at?

Customer:

personally if i felt someone was forcing it even if they knew i was something good & i felt i was in love i would retreat for fear of getting hurt?

Customer:

Is there a running tab for this conversation by the way? I enjoy talking & you input but I want to be prepared if i have to pay for all this advice

20pluscounts :

That 300 miles is challenging in its self. I do think we are hardwired for the "prized" thing- even if it doesn't make sense. Sometimes thinking and analyzing too much can get in the way of "love". Be honest with her- you are confused but willing to give the relationship a chance. You pay for whatever you agreed to at the start- but can always add a bonus for the extra time/advice.

Customer:

I feel like she'll run for the hills if I tell her essentially her heart may be dropped due to my confusion.

20pluscounts :

You can check with customer service if you have questions/concerns about what you are charged- they are good and fair about it. So back to the fear- right! Afraid she will run- that's the beauty you can tell her as much or as little- it's early in the relationship- watching, observing is ok too.

20pluscounts :

Being a good listener counts for a lot too :)

Customer:

I think i do my part in active listening when it comes to our relationship. I get alittle anxious now because i feel if I express my participation and she responds in a way that makes me feel like shes falling deep while I'm still standing still im just compounding the situation.

20pluscounts :

I do need to run in a few minutes. The matters of the heart are just that- of the heart- the brain is not always able to rationalize- make sense out of these things- have a bit of trust- be brave! There is always risk going into any relationship. Remind yourself what attracted you to her in the first place- and focus on that. Right- you worry about the worry-

Customer:

okay thank you for your advice and your time!

20pluscounts :

If these feelings did not come up for you now- they may have come up later- wondering if she is the "one"- there's a little pressure huh?

Customer:

yes

20pluscounts :

You are welcome-the best to you! If you'd be so kind to rate my answer ok or higher so I can be credit- much appreciated!!

20pluscounts :

Let me know if I can help again- can request me "20pluscounts"

20pluscounts :

Or Jean N. is ok too.

Customer:

okay thank you, XXXXX XXXXX a way to have a transcript of this chat?

Customer:

or do i just have to copy & paste it

20pluscounts :

I will check back in with you to see how things are going. Once we are done- you will have access to this- yes- no need to copy or past-

Customer:

okay TakeCare

20pluscounts :

You too!

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
Jean and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
I hope this message finds things going well for you and you are beginning to sort out your emotions. It's sometimes difficult to make sense out of these things, but giving it some time can bring more enlightenment.
Take Care,
Jean

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