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Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question

Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I have been married 12 years. During this time we have counseled

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I have been married 12 years. During this time we have counseled 2 times about the same issue. The issue? We live in a cement garage that we remodeled when we were engaged because at the time...he couldn't find a "good enough" house. I didn't go looking with him....he and his mother did! I was finishing graduate school. Our house is now two stories and is really nice. The problem is that it is in the same yard as his parents. My mother in law is very nosy! I have had no privacy for 13 years. Our 2 counsels advised moving 6 years ago....we are still there.
I recently had foot surgery and do to the steps and bathroom, I decided to recover at my Moms. This is where I grew up. I have 2 children. A daughter 7 and a son 10. My daughter is with me because she loves the country and my son is with my husband in a small city-like town. He does not like it here. The house we have built is not ours and we do not own it. I can never sell and get back what I invested. I want my own house and he won't move. He keeps buying big ticket things to keep me there. A pool, hot tub,furniture etc. Together we make over 200k. I am ready to leave and have been for years. I am afraid of breaking up my family. My parents divorced when I was 18! Any advice.?

Thank you for your question and I understand how frustrating this must be for you. Throughout the counseling and previous discussions does he give any reason as to why he will not move?

I will await your response.

Customer: replied 3 years ago.
He blames not being able to find or afford a house payment.
Thanks for your response. Do you feel that this has any truth to it. Based on what you see housing payments in your area, considering the amount of money you both make, and what you pay now do you feel a housing payment would be doable?

I am just trying to get all of the information needed in order to give you an accurate answer.

Thanks so much!
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Yes. But I am really far removed from doing this with him...a house that is! T
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
I am so frustrated with him. I hate our situation. It has ruined us .
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Are you still there?
I do understand why you would be upset. It sounds to me that you have reached your limit with him after all that you both have been through. He has chosen to break up the family at the present moment and put you through difficulty rather than find a place that would be good for all of you. It sounds to me there may be more to it than he is willing to admit. I think he may even have been a little afraid to move far from his mother or maybe even afraid to take the responsibility of owning a home. The fact is if he has seen how much this was hurting you he should have been able to take initiative to change the situation. The fact that he would be willing to put money into a home that is not his as well as shower you with gifts rather than take a stand and move shows all the more that there are underlying issues. I think that the counselors gave you good advice in telling you both to move. It is very concerning that he does not want to and I understand why you do not want to break up your family. I think the best thing you can do is to weigh out the pros and cons. Besides the living arrangement and the difficulty it brings I would ask yourself questions such as
If he respects you, is he a good father, overall do you have a good marriage. Everyone has faults and no one is perfect, but what is important is if things can either be let go or worked out. When an issue or issues are major that they can not be ignored or one is not willing to work through them then that is when a problem arises. I think if overall you feel your relationship with him is good then you should let him know how fed up you are and how you do not believe in divorce. Express how difficult the divorce of your parents was for you and you would never want your children to go through that, but at the same time you need to protect your family in the sense that you want them to be raised with peace and happiness rather than feel the tension and stress. If the stress in the home is too high sometimes it can even be worse than divorce itself. This is why each case is different and should be looked at individually. Express your love to him, but show him that this is affecting you greatly and if he respects and loves you then he would take all of this into consideration. Try asking him questions in order for him to open up to you that way he may let out his true reasons for not moving rather than hide behind excuses. From there that would help you to understand better in order for the both of you to work together to resolve the underlying issues causing this fear within him or for you to take initiative without him depending on his willingness.

I truly wish you well and hope you both can get passed this in order to be a family without the pressure of your in laws. If I can be of further help please do not hesitate.
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