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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Ive been seeing a guy for a few months. Im in love with him

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I've been seeing a guy for a few months. Im in love with him very very much. The only problem is he is currently going through a divorce that seems to be taking an extremely long time to sort out. I've seen the paperwork so know he's actually going through with it but Im not sure how much longer I can wait for it to be official. I understand these things take time but I dont want to be holding onto something that will never be.
Hi,

I understand your concern and why you would be anxious for the divorce to be finalized. However, some truly take longer than others and if you have literally seen the paperwork that is a good sign. It may be a good idea for him to ask his attorney to see of they can give an approximate time frame. This could help you in making your decision if you want to wait or not. I understand you want to move on with your lives together, but sometimes there is just no way around legal processes. I think what is important here is if he is doing what he needs to do in regards XXXXX XXXXX the paperwork as well as anything the attorneys may need. Another important factor is if he is still living with her or treating her as a wife. If he has cut off ties with her and no longer treats her as a wife as well as has respect for you in maintaining boundaries with her then this shows that he is just as much impatient as you. In this case there is nothing more that can be done, but then to wait. However, if you feel you can no longer wait then it would be good for you to weigh out the pros and cons to determine the best route for you to take, but on the other hand if he is treating her as a wife still and living with her than that changes everything. If that is the case then I would strongly consider moving on since his actions would not be coinciding with his words.

I wish you well and please let me know if I can be of further help.
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Customer: replied 3 years ago.


he is no longer living with her. He stays with his friend and his friends wife in a different city. I stay with him almost every night and have had conversations with those close to him about the situation. He doesnt treat her as a wife so to speak. she cheated on him and that was heart breaking, it took him a long time to move on. the only thing they still do is text. sometimes in refernce to the divorce, other times he is "just being polite". He is very much a 'death do us part' kind of man so departing a marriage without death is very hard for him. I dont know if i have the right to ask him to keep their relationship strictly divorce related or not. they were married four years so i can understand its hard to let go. but if im going to give my heart over then I need to feel that he can get over what she did to him.


 

I understand your part and agree with you. Since he is with you now I think it is fair to ask for them to keep the conversation mainly focused on the divorce unless there is children involved especially due to the way it ended. This does not signify that he needs to be rude he can still be well mannered, but i think best to keep things focused on the divorce since I do not think a friendship would be healthy for them. The main issue I see here is the fact if he is still hurting. I think he is being honest with you and doing what he needs to do, but you just may want to be cautious like you said in the sense if he is truly over her. He may need time to be alone before jumping into another serious relationship. He does seem sure about moving on since he is going through with the divorce. However, he may just need time to heal and regroup. Lots of communication with him is important to see exactly where is mind is and how he feels as well as how strong he is about committing to you fully. This will help you determine how you feel about surrendering your heart 100 percent.
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