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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Hi, I am with my partner for 4 years now. We have a 1yr old boy together. He has two boys from a previous relationship. they are 9 and 6. I have two daughters from a previous marriage. Aged 11 and 9. Recently my partner has been in contact alot with his ex. She asks him "where did we go wrong" and says the boys ask her if dad will marry mum? Please explain what she means by this. What is she trying to achieve? His ex lives abroad. They will be visiting at the end of this year. Last time we paid for the boys airfares.  She tells the boys to ask daddy when are they able to come to Australia?  Is she trying to tell him to pay for the boys airfare again? Why does she talk through the children?  I find this most annoying.  She has also asked if he is happy? He responded to her text message what kind of question is that?  Is it normal that she constantly asks him to buy her perfumes, ipads, iphone, camera's? If he doesn't then she withholds the boys from seeing him.  He has bought her all these things. Where should he draw the line, as I don't like him buying her these things.  She should buy it herself.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I understand how upsetting this must be since she is trying to bring up something from the past that no longer is important. Regardless what went wrong your partner has clearly moved on and is no longer interested in what had happened between them. However, it seems as if she feels differently. She may regret that they had split and still has feelings for him. She may be trying to get his attention to see where it all went wrong because she no longer remembers or sees the issues as she had before. She may be doing this superficially just wanting to know or there may be more behind it and could be giving him a hint that she is interested in reconciling. The heart and mind of another are places where no one knows the true intentions other than the individual themselves. Regardless of what she is trying to achieve there needs to be a level of respect and boundaries of what she can and can not say. Yes, they need to be in contact due to the children, but it is up to your partner to stop her in her tracks if she starts passing these boundaries. This does not mean he needs to argue with her, but he needs to be firm in letting her know that the past is the past and that he has happily moved on. This will show her he is not entertaining her questions and comments and therefore she will think twice before going any further. We can not control what others feel or say, but this is why it is important he stands firm to show her that he respects himself and you as well show that he is not interested in what happened to their relationship.

I wish you the best and please let me know if I can be of further help.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi


I amended my question. The other questions have not been answered.


Thanks

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for clarifying and advising me that you updated your question. I do not think it is normal not healthy that she threatens that he will not see the boys if he does not buy her those items. There is no reason that he needs to buy her anything. That is terrible that she does that. Using the children to get what she wants is horrible as well as talking through them. It seems that she is not going about the situation in a mature manner. She has no business asking him those many questions. The only issues they need to discuss are about the children. The fact she had the kids ask when they could come to Australia does sound like an indicator that she wanted you both to pay again, but no one knows what she is truly thinking. She may have just wanted to know when the next time was. It would be good for them to discuss that directly and not through the children. Both he and her need to pay for expenses. Whether or not he should pay for the airfare again really depends on the financial arrangement they have in general. That would play a huge factor on what is fair in that manner. However by no means he should be paying for things for her. His business should be with his children only and the money that went to her should have went to the children, so she is wrong to have even taken it for herself. It sounds like your partner bought those things for her because he is scared of loosing his children. If this is the case then it would be good for him to seek legal advice. There is no reason he should be threatened that is unjust. In regards XXXXX XXXXX asking if he is happy it sounds to me that she still has feelings for him and she is testing to see his situation to see if there is any chance. His responses to her questions seems good and I think he should continue in that manner and be firm with her as well as keep the focus on only the children.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi, if he has responded to her "you left me remember" what part does he have to play in this? He has also said you stuffed up love? Is he playing the game? When. She asked for him to buy her the iPad etc he said to her in a txt now show me your tits! He says it was a joke? Regarding the "want wrong comment", If I ask why she asks these questions his response is she's sentimental like that and wants to know it wasn't her fault? Is he telling me the truth? Is this how he sees things? When I said to him she wants you back, he doesn't respond. Why is it that he also deletes texts from her? Is he hiding something from me? I feel he is loving the attention from her. As he is overweight she asked how did a fat arse like him get a pretty girl like me? She also has said that she left because he wasn't being a good daddy. Will he remember those words or likely to erase that she said this?
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi just one more thing. I have gone into my partners email and Facebook account as I felt he was being secretive on Facebook. Since I told him I went into his account and I wasn't happy with what I saw, he has now deleted his Facebook account and changed his email password! He says I am a loser for doing that. What I did find is that he had been flirting with his ex's asking if they still thought about him as he thinks of them. They are all with new partners, some even married. Why does he do this? They responded that he would approve of their new partner and he continued to tell them he can't handle them getting married! Now I believe his entertainment is with his ex that he knows she wants to get back with him. He texts her etc much more now and deletes his texts as he says it will offend me? He always talks about the future as a family etc. he now has told me and his ex that he won't marry anyone as all women are crazy. Is he telling me something in a roundabout way? His ex couldn't stand me when they hardly spoke to one another, now she is warming up to me. I feel very insecure and disrespected by both. I don't have enough confidence in him now for the two of them to be left alone after what he's told me. He wants me to give him my absolute trust as he does with me. I'm confused by his mixed messages. Is there somehow I can approach him as to where he wants to be as he prefers to keep quiet and let me do all the talking. That is me saying I would like to be with him.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi just one more thing. I have gone into my partners email and Facebook account as I felt he was being secretive on Facebook. Since I told him I went into his account and I wasn't happy with what I saw, he has now deleted his Facebook account and changed his email password! He says I am a loser for doing that. What I did find is that he had been flirting with his ex's asking if they still thought about him as he thinks of them. They are all with new partners, some even married. Why does he do this? They responded that he would approve of their new partner and he continued to tell them he can't handle them getting married! Now I believe his entertainment is with his ex that he knows she wants to get back with him. He texts her etc much more now and deletes his texts as he says it will offend me? He always talks about the future as a family etc. he now has told me and his ex that he won't marry anyone as all women are crazy. Is he telling me something in a roundabout way? His ex couldn't stand me when they hardly spoke to one another, now she is warming up to me. I feel very insecure and disrespected by both. I don't have enough confidence in him now for the two of them to be left alone after what he's told me. He wants me to give him my absolute trust as he does with me. I'm confused by his mixed messages. Is there somehow I can approach him as to where he wants to be as he prefers to keep quiet and let me do all the talking. That is me saying I would like to be with him.
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Jen Helant
Jen Helant
1067 Satisfied Customers
I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.