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SpecialistMike, MS, CSCS
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 508
Experience:  Master of Science, Physiology
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I have been on and off with this guy since 2007. We got together

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I have been on and off with this guy since 2007. We got together when I was 20-years-old (he was 20 as well). In fall 2009, I broke up with him as he went to medical school and he couldn't talk the future with me. We remained in this confused space as
I wasn't sure what I wanted and stayed in contact (and remained intimate). And in early 2011, I broke up with him again (though we never really got back together). We did not talk or have any contact for a few months and then we started messaging each other
again. We started dating and officially got back together in January 2012. Through the rough patches, I know he still loved me and wanted me back and did not really date others, while I did. Things were good, or so I thought. Then in August 2012, he told me
how he felt like he spent his entire youth on me, how he felt this desire to sleep with other people, but he still cared about me. During this time, he was also stressed about his boards, he was not going to get published (which he needed to be in his year
off) and his mom got diagnosed with cancer. We fought a lot and eventually decided that we can see each other people but I desperately wanted him back. We stayed in contact for a bit and he went on okcupid and started dating another girl. I asked him if we
would ever get back together and he said he just needs time and he said he is confused because part of him wants me to wait and a part of him knows it is unfair to ask that of me. As for the other girl, he kept saying it was just sex. I haven't seen him since
December but we exchanged a few texts and gchats here and there. I waited for him still... I kept wanting him back. Months have passed and I have gone through all phases. When someone posted about him and his "girl" on facebook, I asked him about it but and
he just told me how it is not his girlfriend and it is just sex. And even lied and said it was a different girl (I believed him at the time). He told me that he wanted to stay single until after residency (so about another 5 years). I told him that we were
done, but I was still devastated. This yo-yo was already so damaging on me emotionally, but I still couldn't quit. Through some Facebook and other social media digging, I found the other girl and her friends had posted pics of them (so he wasn't dating someone
new, same girl as before). It seems that this is his new girlfriend. What weirds me out is that he was still messaging me after these photos, even some messages of sexual nature. She also recently posted pics of them kissing and on a trip. I feel like they
are official but I am unsure. If they have been together all this time, and truly official, I don't think she would have liked that he still messaged me here and there. While I dont think I like who he has become, do you think it is truly over? If so, what
can I do to open up my heart to others? I truly thought I was going to marry this man. Sometimes I feel like our relationship was a lie, did he ever see a future with me? Is there anything else I can do to salvage what we had? Even if we got back together,
is there still any hope of a good relationship or have we ruined all chances?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Josie-Mod replied 3 years ago.

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Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I have not yet found an answer and would love to get assistance from one of your Experts. I wish to continue waiting.

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Expert:  SpecialistMike replied 3 years ago.
My name is ***** ***** I would like to give you some insight into your situation, that is if you still want it. Please let me know. Thank you.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Hi Mike, I would love some insight.
Expert:  SpecialistMike replied 3 years ago.
I think its something that is incredibly complex.
Clearly this guy while he may have trouble saying it explicitly wants to have some sort of light relationship but is probably fearing the commitment of something heavier. I think a lot of people go through this, they want to want, they want to feel wanted both physically and emotionally but they fear alot that commitming to someone would take away from the rest of their life.
Thats probably the reason for him stating this during his residency. Frankly, its a good thing he was honest with you about it despite probably not wanting to accept it(on his side too). Obviously we can only speculate his facebook "thing" - it sounds like the girl unfortunately may be a similar situation for yours, because really its tough to tell but single people who take the time to say it still want to be single.
To be brutally honest the emotion rollercoasting the guy has you on(regardless of his tough life times with mom and boards etc) is probably a sign, at least for now that it would continue, and frankly I think you can put your energy elsewhere into something or someone that would reciprocate. If the guy wants to be straight forward with you, tell him he needs to lay it out and explain it and be certain otherwise I would not continue to put your efforts and emotions into him - give yourself a true break so to speak.
Its clear hes either 1. not being 100 percent honest or 2. truly has no idea what he wants aside from being single and more than likely "playing the field" so to speak. Either way this is certainly going to get you twisted up even more and probably confuse and frustrate you. Thats something that nobody deserves.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Thank you for the response. Are you saying that you think deep down, he wants to be single, wants light relationships, despite his hanging out with another girl? I just want to clarify.I think it hurts that he kind of jumped (or something) into what seems like a new relationship, especially since his desire to be single was one of the reasons we broke up. If he's still texting me after they started hanging out and stuff, does this mean they were officially together (as in, exclusive) then?When you said, "Clearly this guy while he may have trouble saying it explicitly wants to have some sort of light relationship," do you mean some sort of light relationship in general, or with me?When you say, "it sounds like the girl unfortunately may be a similar situation for yours," do you mean maybe she wants a relationship, but he does not? I'm not too sure what this means.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Also, what's with the lies and trying to hide her from me? I only know about her because I see photos of them on OTHER people's facebook accounts (they don't have very good privacy settings...).
Expert:  SpecialistMike replied 3 years ago.
The whole situation reads as if he wants to have some sort of "fun", be it physical and perhaps emotional, but I would imagine due to his residency and everything else "heavy" in his life he doesnt want anything that would potentially distract him.
I'm sure it does hurt, I can't really speak to his motives as far as them being together but the fact he was texting you said he either 1. was trying to keep his options "open" or at least wanted something from you attention-wise, which is why I suggested initially to forget him and see how he responds.
As far as the "light relationship" I think he wants something light and physical, something fun. But not knowing him at all, it could literally jsut be whoever is "around" at the time. Basically it looks like the girl he was hanging out with or whatever, was probably in a similar spot that you are in. It was "convenient" for him, without being super heavy. This was somewhat positively reinforced when you guys remained physical with him.
The other part is, most people don't go on plenty of fish or OKcupid looking for "relationships" they go on for the physical interaction - in most cases anyway. So I think he wants some sort of physical involvement without the emotional attachment. He just doesn't realize or care that hes hurting other people(you).
He hid it because if you openly knew of her, as in him telling you, most people would immediately shut down or move on.. not allow him to be physical when HE wanted but not commit otherwise.
Customer: replied 3 years ago.
Probably forgot to mention earlier, but maybe it was implied, that we actually were in love and had a serious relationship. When he wanted me back the previous times, he told me how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. So his sudden need to be single and experience the rest of his youth a certain way just shocked me. I also forgot to mention that we have been long distance for a few years, so his going toward whoever is "around" makes sense.Very interesting your note on okcupid. Do you think it is just "fun" on her side too? This other girl was the FIRST, and probably only, girl that he dated and slept with. It was just crazy how quick it was. I mentioned earlier that they went on a trip, if it's just fun for a guy, do they go on trips with girls still?
Expert:  SpecialistMike replied 3 years ago.
I would imagine its for fun on her side, yes. It goes with both sexes from what I have seen. Also, I know personally people who have taken trips with people to some pretty "nice" places, but didn't have an actual boyfriend/girlfriend situation with them.
I think the need to be single may still just be a fear of being weighed down with heavier things that would distract him. Some people need an anchor of a relationship, where others see it as being "weighed down". It varies from person to person obviously.

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