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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hello my ex Boyfriend and I were together for 3 years he is

Customer Question

Hello my ex Boyfriend and I were together for 3 years he is 25 and I am 35 our relationship has been pretty rocky at times beings he cheated when we first started dating and he is very jealous. I am a manager at a local night club and he hates it. we have split up numerous times usually because he blows up and is starved for attention he leaves and then no contact for weeks and we end up back together. well he was out of work for awhile and lived with me and then he recently started talking to hi biological father and he gave him a job out of town with him and he stopeed calling me while out of town and then after 5 weeks he calls to see if I moved on yet and crying well I let him come back again. he was home for 4 weeks and with very little fights but I was also very short the whole time because I guess I had my guard up and was stressed about numerous financial issues. so I left to go get fireworks and he did not want to go he then called me while I was with my kids asking do you love me and acting very needy I told him yes and hung up on him because I told him I did not want to fight and he said if I didn't he was going to leave I said whatever and when I got home I was shocked to find him gone and when I called he had moved in with his dad. so stupid me went out with people he don't like and got drunk which I never do and started calling and being nasty to him then I started the whole begging right into nasty again. he said he left because things were not working out and I did not take him serious. I cried promised to change everything and he said he was sorry he hurt me and thought I would be happy to get rid of such a negative part of my life. I then got even more upset and cursed him and turned of his phone. I was wrong I know and very immature but I do love him dearly I think he listens to his family and their opinion because he always runs to them for the bad but never contacts them when things are good so they don't like me. I don't know what to do I do love him dearly and my daughter misses him he is the father she knows hes been their since she was 5 months old. this happened on july 3rd and I have not contacted him since I turned his phone off 4 days later until last night I sent him a message on facebook to his new account where we are not friends and told him I was sorry for my words of hurt and anger and that im so things turned out like they did but I wished him no harm and the best. he has not messaged me back and im worried he is done with me. what can I do to get him back?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

This is a very complex situation that keeps repeating over and over again. The two of you obviously love one another but you do not know how to communicate with each other, to be patient, tolerant, or consistent with each other. You have the heart for it but do not have the know-how.

The only way you can learn to do this is to go to couples therapy together and talk things out and learn how to better communicate under the professional guidance of he therapist.

It will be like going to school to learn how to have a relationship. You both need guidance and can harnass that love and make it work, instead of each of you sabotaging the other one with great regularity.

A skilled marriage and family therapist could help you make this work, as you obviously care for each other but always sabotage the relationship.

This is something that will take time and practice - face-to-face with a therapist. Nothing less will help.

If you want to try to make this work, then get some help.

You can "shop" for a therapist at www.psychologytoday.com

Enter your city and state

Then under issues find relationships or family issues - whatever the title they are using now.

I wish you great success and shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Answer quality.












Hello my ex Boyfriend and I were together for 3 years he is 25 and I am 35 our relationship has been pretty rocky at times beings he cheated when we first started dating and he is very jealous. I am a manager at a local night club and he hates it. we have split up numerous times usually because he blows up and is starved for attention he leaves and then no contact for weeks and we end up back together. well he was out of work for awhile and lived with me and then he recently started talking to hi biological father and he gave him a job out of town with him and he stopeed calling me while out of town and then after 5 weeks he calls to see if I moved on yet and crying well I let him come back again. he was home for 4 weeks and with very little fights but I was also very short the whole time because I guess I had my guard up and was stressed about numerous financial issues. so I left to go get fireworks and he did not want to go he then called me while I was with my kids asking do you love me and acting very needy I told him yes and hung up on him because I told him I did not want to fight and he said if I didn't he was going to leave I said whatever and when I got home I was shocked to find him gone and when I called he had moved in with his dad. so stupid me went out with people he don't like and got drunk which I never do and started calling and being nasty to him then I started the whole begging right into nasty again. he said he left because things were not working out and I did not take him serious. I cried promised to change everything and he said he was sorry he hurt me and thought I would be happy to get rid of such a negative part of my life. I then got even more upset and cursed him and turned of his phone. I was wrong I know and very immature but I do love him dearly I think he listens to his family and their opinion because he always runs to them for the bad but never contacts them when things are good so they don't like me. I don't know what to do I do love him dearly and my daughter misses him he is the father she knows hes been their since she was 5 months old. this happened on july 3rd and I have not contacted him since I turned his phone off 4 days later until last night I sent him a message on facebook to his new account where we are not friends and told him I was sorry for my words of hurt and anger and that im so things turned out like they did but I wished him no harm and the best. he has not messaged me back and im worried he is done with me. what can I do to get him back?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
I know we have issues and I would not be here if I did not know that. he is not talking to me and I am sick I do not know what to do to get him to and I needed some advice on the behavior he has showed threw out the relationship and insight from a professional who can read threw his behaviors and mine.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.


Dear XXXXX,

You say that you want to save your relationship but evidently you don't want to do the work. Did you expect several paragraphs to cure your very dysfunctional relationship and when I suggested to the proper thing to do you just got angry, which seems to be something that you do that is not good for your relationship.

I told you exactly what you need to do and you should be thankful for the good advice. However, I do not think that you have the patience to do the work, judging on how you responded to my kind and thoughtful answer. You cannot win people over to your side by anger and unkindness.

I wish you good luck, because that is what it is going to take.

 

The insight you are looking for will tell you that you are both angry, impatient, quick to react, defensive, and much too shortsighted to do anything other than react immediately in a defensive and negative manner. Knowing that won't help you. You need someone to help you put it into action. You need to learn how to be calm and stop fighting like children. It is time to grow up and you need a guide to help you learn how to behave like an adult. I do care and told you what you need.

 

You just want a quick fix, but that is not how you grow up. You have to learn how to behave properly towards the ones you love.



Warm regards,

Elliott

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


I am very aware of my impatience and I know it is a fault of mine. however he is not even talking to me so how do I go about getting him to do so in order to get the counseling needed. and I was also wondering about his jealousy and always leaving and coming back. I guess what I was looking for was a more in depth reply regarding my entire question

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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