Thank you for getting back to me. I wish we were on a chat because I have lots of questions for you, but I will ask them and you can respond.
Because of the little I know of your boyfriend's background it seems that he has abandonment issues and when he fears he is neglected or going to be abandoned, whether or not his fears are justified, he gets angry.
Perhaps he even hurts himself (punches the wall, etc.). Perhaps he engages in reckless behavior (driving, drugs, overspending, gambling, reckless sex [maybe before he met you], etc.).
I have not observed or talked to him but it seems that he may have Borderline Personality Disorder which stems from abandonment issues and is triggered by them.
I don't know about your background, but you also seem to have some abandonment or insecurity issues and you feed off of each other in a very negative pattern of behavior.
You are good for each other in one sense: that you know and love each other and have a deep feeling for each other.
You are bad for each other in a different sense: you do not have the understanding (and therefore dont know how important it is to tread carefully) of his deep-seated fear of abandonment that rules his life. This is Borderline Personality Disorder.
This requires a specific type of therapy (not drugs) called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Getting him into this therapy will be difficult. Right now you need to be able to talk to each other.
I believe that if he sees that you really want to try, and that you want to get professional help to be able to talk to each other without this endless cycle of breaking up and getting back together (which is harmful and chips away at the relationship and will eventually destroy it), then he might agree. This is a starting point and it allows for you to meet on neutral turf, so to speak.
You are very stuck right now since he is not communicating. I believe that he wants to make this work as much as you do.
If you want to understand more about Borderline Personality Disorder, I recommend this book, which will help you a great deal. It is the best one out there:
If you want to learn the best approaches to making a relationship work - real help, not just silly words, - then go to this book:
Knowledge is power.
You also have to develop patience. If you become more patient you will teach him the same by example:
I also mentioned Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which was developed by Marsha Linehan some years ago. She has written an excellent book on how to use these principles to help you resolve your conflicts and live peacefully.
I urge you to get all three books and begin changing your own perceptions and behaviors as a means of getting back together AND STAY|ING THERE.
I hope that this helps you and it is something you can start now.
If I have demonstrated my concern I would be most grateful if you rescind the negative rating simply by giving me a positive.
You have my heartfelt wishes for success.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC