Hi thanks for writing,
So here is my issue. I will try to be as clear as possible. I have been seeing a woman now for about a year. Relatively early on in our relationship she asked if I had ever been in a threesome. I wanted to be honest with her and so I told her yes. This experience happened in a previous relationship (about 2 years before we started dating…it happened twice). While over the course of our relationship she has expressed concerns over my past and it never has been a large issue. I need to make clear that I have NEVER been happier in a relationship (I am 31 and have had 4 long term relationships) and through this entire relationship I have been honest, loving, kind, and compassionate. I am certain my girlfriend would agree. This is a woman I see a permanent future with (again, this a first for me). I have NEVER been sure like this before. An unfortunate aspect of our relationship is that we have always been geographically separated. I live overseas and she lives in the United States. Two days ago she asked me a little more detail about my threesome saying it was something she had never been able to shake. I again was torn, I didn’t want to tell her but I see her as someone I want to spend the rest of my life with…I don't want there to be any lies. So I told her (over email…because she is not with me physically now). She told me she felt as though she was going to vomit and over the course of the morning said she could never look at me the same again. She says she loves me but that this is a fundamental issue that she doesn’t think she can get over. I am beyond devastated. I explained to her that this happened in a previous relationship which I didn’t foresee lasting and that I never want an experience like that again. She has repeatedly said she wants us to take a break…I am trying to be understanding and empathetic because if I were in her shoes I would be upset too. I just explained to her that in a relationship like ours where we really both see a future together (and we REALLY did before this), you don’t back away from a problem but try to resolve it together. She has barely spoken to me ( I can’t call because of phone connectivity). I realize I may just need to give her space but I am grasping at straws to try to find some way to help her through this so we can be happy or at least move on. I am also deeply upset because I am being judged for actions I did in a previous relationship. I know this is complicated but anything to help US is something.
I grew up in a happy family. No issues i can think of (I don't know if it matters but I am college graduate and employed) . My girlfriend was born when her mother was a teenager and didn't meet her father until she was much older. She has always moved around a lot. She is also a college graduate and until recently worked in retail.
Thank you for the response. I understand that my logic may be compromised by this event and thus my words may not be a true reflection of what is going on but i'd like to think that i am presently logical and objective as i can be in regards XXXXX XXXXX issue. With this in mind and after reading your response my gf does not exhibit any of the qualities of narcissism Quite the contrary, i have always known her to be unassuming, not desirous of attention, and gracious. Her friends all exhibit a similar warmth. This also has been the only issue that is bothered her... fear of abandonment and thus pushing me away before she can get hurt...that seems more likely. For the sake of the discussion and also since this is something that would normally be handled in conversation. Let's say it is not as you speculated based on my email...what would suggest to a couple that came to you with this issue and desired to resolve it? Because that is what i am trying to do...I want to resolve this.