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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1828
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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So, my husband says we will have enough money for retirement.

Resolved Question:

So, my husband says we will have enough money for retirement. He wants to stay in our present home until he needs to move with age. I have a friend who had offered to help if we had a problem, and he has said I can ask her, then the next time the subject comes up, he says we have enough and we can stay here. I think this discussion should have been resolved, the first time the issue came up, and that we should be working on it until both of us are comfortable with the situation, and not brought up over and over. I wonder if this is enough for us not to have a good enough relationship. To me it is important. I told my friend I was concerned but can't really have a discussion with her except that I am not sure, and she did not like this. I think her ethics or beliefs, whatever you want to call it, make it so a discussion like that needs to be one of helping to solve the problem. It started to get to her. I worry that this awareness of the situation makes her feel we are not the greatest people, not responsible enough. I have done well in college and so has my husband and we were at the top in college, but this is not a good situation and I really feel I could have done more for a spouse, that I have not rescued myself and him from this. I think I should have stayed single, and also I had a serious relationship before I met my husband, but I did not think it would last, I used to feel bad about the guy I married, once or twice, but now think it is just as much my fault and I had everything to do with taking his life down a bit from where he would have been had it been someone else he married. He is very very nice and from a good family, they were well off and had a good history, the family business was sold though, and the kids had to work. He makes a great living, but retirement and living for 30+ years on the savings and interest does not seem to go along with that. It seems getting divorced would make things even worse, and that this way of handling it is a small thing to cause a divorce but it is a much larger issue really. I actually met two people who wanted to get married , no affairs or anything, just knew them a long time, too difficult to develop the relationships, my friend's husband even was interested in that, I guess my situation was obvious to them and they wanted to help, now I'm dealing with insulting several guys by sticking with the wrong thing and her too she had to radically makeover her marriage and it must have been totally gone, and she did when I did not go into further discussions with her husband, and part of it was doing many activities involving her family and other friends, but I did not hear anything about it. Now I see I have a mess, and if I was divorced would have taken my husband's life down further. The way I see it we should get as much help from her, as possible but he does not say we can survive, it goes from O.K. talk to her to we are fine, which we are not. I know I have not helped him and feel I actually like I said, negatively affected his status over the long term. Now if I get her assistance and live on my own, he will have even less and what to do? Do you think I can live on my own? Or is staying with him with help from her the thing? Is it toxic for him to live with me? Would divorce be better? Then I ruin someone further? When he does not complete the discussion and I keep bringing it up, it is a big problem. Now this is causing me to not think of myself enough. So basically, is the relationship significantly harmful, and does my friend, has enough happened to where she thinks we are irresponsible and no longer wants to help as much because this discussion has not been resolved? I can see it might have affected our relationship significantly. Is that so? Are we friends? I think she has changed her position regarding me because of this, and a second marriage is difficult. We have arguments about this, and it's an issue that is not going to go away without working on it. Also, I can't be effective, I should have told my friend, yes we need all the help in the world. That's easy. So you see, this issue and how it is dealt with is affecting things. I wonder if that has changed the relationship. What can I do about that, and also I am concerned he isn't dealing with it and I did not just tell her the situation, but no one offered to help me before. If he continues to not resolve the issue and feels we have enough for retirement and I don't, that is quitting time, isn't it? Time to end it,

how else would it be resolved? One other thing, he likes to get rebates and use coupons, and our neighbors don't think like that, are we mixing too much with a class above our own? I used to like those too and now I think I don't but not much has changed in my life so I may be thinking not using coupons is high class but wrong about it, would be happier the way I was before since nothing new.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra : Thank you for your question.
Deardebra : It sounds like he is torn whether he thinks he has enough for retirement. I feel he wants you to ask her, but doesn't want to not be able to take care of you and him.
Deardebra : I think having a back up plan is a good idea. That is what I would tell him.I
Deardebra :

I do think that you need to make this decision and tell your friend you do need help because I feel he will keep going back and forth. I do not feel he will make the decision. This is a situation where you need to be prepared because this is an important decision in your life. It is better to have another plan just in case something comes up.

Deardebra :

I want to talk a little bit about coupons, even the richest people use coupons. Coupons have become quite popular.

Deardebra :

People do things to save money and coupons is one way that can save people a lot of money. It does add up.

Deardebra :

But you want to be able to not have to worry about retirement, you do not want that financial security and he is unsure if you both will have that because he keeps giving you mixed opinions.

Deardebra :

You want to tell him that you are going to your friend for help because you need to feel secure in life and he should fully understand that this is a good idea for you and him.

Deardebra :

I do not feel that leaving is the answer.

Deardebra :

You asked if you feel you could live on your own. I am sure you could, but do you really want to do that.

Deardebra :

It is a huge adjustment to leave and try to live on your own.

Deardebra :

There are just so many things that you do not realize the other person does until you are on your own.

Deardebra :

I feel that you both should work this out.

Deardebra :

I do not feel it is toxic for him to live with you. I am sure he want you to be there. I do not feel divorce is the answer either.

Deardebra :

I want you to think about your relationship together and your love for one another. I feel this can b resolved if you both discuss what you want to do in the future.

Deardebra :

I want you to both set up a solid plan for the future and tell him it is ok to ask or help. You want to be feel secure in your life together.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1828
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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