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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1818
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi, My name is XXXXX XXXXX I need some serious dating/relationship

Customer Question

Hi, My name is XXXXX XXXXX I need some serious dating/relationship advice. I seem to attract some good guys then something makes me to sabotage the relationship..different things depending on the guy..sometimes legitimate things...then I feel bad and try to get back with them..but that never works. I recently joined an online dating website to understand my dating choices and I met someone went out on three dates..we always had a good time and enjoyed each others company..but after the third date I started to get that unsettling feeling because every date he had plans to see his family member i.e. cut the date short which I'm not used to...so I was thinking he was seeing someone else..he said I was wrong..but now I have tried to see him again this weekend, but its not happening and I feel bad inside because I feel I'm doing the chasing. I have made a decision not to call him...and yet again another failure...I wish I knew what my real problem was or to choose men who could forgive and forget and still see me in the best light...please advise..
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question.

Deardebra :

The reason why you are sabotaging the relationship is because you need to build trust.

Deardebra :

You thought he was seeing someone else and that is what ended this relationship.

Deardebra :

I think the reason why he was wanted you to go out on dates with a family member was to get to know them better. It sounds like he was planning more of a future with you.

Deardebra :

When people set up dates with family members it means that is a serious relationship and the person feel comfortable to bring the person around their family.

Customer:

No he ended our date to see them...I never saw them I just had to trust that he was seeing them.

Deardebra :

So he has a family that relays on him. Him and his family are close.

Deardebra :

Some times families can be demanding and they might need him to do things for them.

Customer:

Yes, he did mention that he is close to his family members. But since it was a long distance relationship and we didnt talk much during the week I thought the one time to spend should not be cut short all the time...it was the third date that really made me wonder...but I think because initially when I was unsure about him because he didnt like to chat over the phone he said he thought i wasnt interested..far from the truth though

Deardebra :

It sounds like his family is demanding and the reason he didn't want to chat over the phone might be because he feels more comfortable texting or e-mailing. Some times people get nervous when they are on the phone because they are afraid to say the wrong thing.

Deardebra :

They worry that they will lose the person if they say something wrong so they often e-mail of text to think about what they want to say.

Deardebra :

You mentioned about sabotaging relationships so I want you to try something new.

Customer:

Yep, he mentioned he preferred talking in person..but what was interesting is that when we had a disagreement last week regarding this he said: well we dont speak often during the week, that I am busy (cos im in school and working) and its long-distance etc...I told him that I was accomodating his non-speaking on the phone cos he said he didnt like to speak...so it seemed like he liked texts, which I didnt like

Deardebra :

You both already had a disagreement and you moved past it which is good. He is someone that just will not get use to the phone he likes to text think about his thoughts. What I want you to do now is tell him you are sorry and the reason why you are sorry. One things you want to do is tell him why you accused him of seeing someone else. The real reason. You tell him you really like him and you got scared that he was seeing someone else.

Deardebra :

You tell him that you feel he is someone special and you didn't want to invest all this time if he was seeing someone else. I understand now that you are close with your family and do not like talking on the phone.

Deardebra :

I really think we have something special and I think this is something that will never happen again.

Deardebra :

So I feel we should get to know each other better.

Deardebra :

In the beginning of a relationship it is hard not to get overwhelmed because you are experiencing so many emotions.

Deardebra :

It's exciting because it is a new relationship.

Deardebra :

So it is easy to start to wonder things special the top thing that people wonder if the person likes them and sees a future together. But all this takes time for a relationship to grow.

Customer:

Wow! That's something I'm not used it i.e. tell the real reason because I feel vulnerable and at this point I'm unsure if he likes me because I think he is picking up on some of my insecurities...the sad part it is that I know he really liked me because in our disagreement last week he said some harsh things (but he did apologize) because he thought I had reservations about him and he wanted to make things easier..but one of the things he said is that he know he would make a good boyfriend/husband but not with me...how does one bounce back from that? but I did, because i know he was upset...this was a couple of days ago and we have exchanged txts since then and I spoke to him briefly today to see to hang out but he mentioned he wasnt feeling the best and had pink eye...the energy over the phone has been a tad strange...do you think after three dates this could work?? I really love your advice though

Customer:

he is a 36 year old doctor by the way and ready to settle down

Deardebra :

It's of to have insecurities people all have those when they are dating. You want him to see the true you it is ok to let your guard down and be vulnerable at times because everyone also have those certain strength in a relationship that what makes a relationship work.

Customer:

we met on match.com

Deardebra :

When he said about making a good boyfriend of husband but not with you that was just because he was upset and expressed himself. But he did not mean that and I am sure he felt bad.

Deardebra :

I do feel he is telling the truth about not feelings well.

Deardebra :

The energy on the phone would be a little awkward right now because of what happened but that will end over time, he will forget about what happened and move forward.

Deardebra :

I do believe this relationship could work, but you want to ask him questions so you can let go of those insecurities and build a strong healthy relationship.

Customer:

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX sooo...because for some reason i feel that he is super special and that's why I don't want to let him go and he still seems to respond to me...what type of questions should I ask? Before I tell him my real reasons for sabotaging should I leave it for a few weeks? I'm unsure if keeping up the momentum is good or leaving it for sometime...

Deardebra :

I feel if it does not come up again in a conversation I would leave it alone and move on together.

Deardebra :

You want to ask questions to get to know him a little better questions that ill ease your mind so those insecurities do not interfere in the relationship.

Deardebra :

You want be honest in any questions he asks you as well.

Deardebra :

You know that he is looking to settle down.

Deardebra :

So he is looking for the one person that he can spend his life with.

Deardebra :

You already had disagreements and you are both still talking so that shows me he really cares about you.

Deardebra :

You want to ask questions that will make you more comfortable in the relationship.

Customer:

ok, thank you that is very true...Since I cause some of this ruckus...I feel like I'm doing to chasing right now, which I loath...do I back off for now...I don't like to play games, but i think there is the cloud over us where we do like each other "but"...he also said this too because of my "wishy washy" ways

Deardebra :

You want to text him to see how he is feelings in a little bit.

Deardebra :

You want to show him you care and are thinking of him.

Deardebra :

You do not want to back off because you do not want him to seem like you are no longer interested.

Deardebra :

One thing I want you to do is if you start to feel like you are going to sabotage the relationship stop and think about why you feel that way.

Customer:

i guess its feelings of being rejected

Deardebra :

Then you want to ask why so you are not wondering. Instead of saying I know you are seeing someone else, you ask if you both are exclusive in a relationship.

Deardebra :

Don't feel like this you want to be confident that he will do what it takes to be in this relationship. When two people love each other they go to great lengths to keep the person they love.

Deardebra :

Don't look at any of your pat relationships, look at this one as your first relationship.

Deardebra :

Everyone is different and not all men cheat.

Customer:

"Don't look at any of your pat relationships, look at this one as your first relationship." This is quite profound...many thanks Debra!

Deardebra :

You welcome and if you need anymore help just address your questions by putting Dear XXXXX in front of them.

Customer:

Great, thank you:)

Customer:

ok, I'm trying to rate you so you get credit, but this is acting finiky...I'm trying again

Deardebra :

Thank you

Customer:

yes, on phone with customer service

Deardebra :

If you have anymore trouble rating the answer I can switch to question and answer it might be easier.

Customer:

the rep is helping me all is well. many thanks again!

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1818
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I wanted to check in and see how you were doing and how things are going?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Debra, thanks for checking in....unfortunately, he has not called me back and nor have I called back. I was hoping he would have called me back since I have since called etc

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

It's so hard because I just feel like giving up...I just wish this type of pattern stops happening in my relationships...I will certainly pray over this and I hope I'm brave enough to be open, but I am concerned that we have only known each since late May of this year and I feel so bad that all this broo haha happened so quickly..but, I do think that in situations like this it does let one know if you are meant to be..??

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you Debra. Yes, I know...I'm unsure where this one is going now since I indirectly suggested a place for a date and he said its not a good idea and I should go with my friends. I replied back and said I wasn't talking about with me and said nice knowing you...its sad...I did make some mistakes here too, but I think there may be other things bothering him too such as its long distance and I'm in school too and quite busy but of course I desire to make time for the relationship. He is not the best communicator and he admitted that..I think if he would really express what he feels it would be better...I'm at a loss, I've got to move on from this since he basically doesn't want to see me...

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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