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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1826
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I am going on a first "date" with a guy about 9 hours from

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I am going on a first "date" with a guy about 9 hours from now, and I was wondering what I should do once the date ends with regards XXXXX XXXXX and how I should contact him. Should I wait patiently until he sends me an email (neither of us have each others' phone numbers), or should I send him an email? What should my email say? How long should I wait? I don't know how to send email from mobile devices, so I'd have to wait until I arrived at my apartment to use my laptop, because I won't be taking my laptop with me to a cafe with free wireless. Should I wait until the evening rolls around, or should I wait until the next day? I don't want to appear over-eager, if there is such a thing. I am a straight female in my early 30s by the way. I don't want to appear overly aggressive either, as I have heard that dominant behaviour has driven men away in many instances. I have read this in nonfiction books. Also, since I was the one to ask him out first, I'm thinking it would be bad to ask him out a second time. This is what a psychologist told me face-to-face a couple days ago. She said that she believes that men are the pursuers, (she wasn't saying that was necessarily a good thing; just that that is the way things are. It's that is-ought issue - I agree with feminists that it would be a good thing if women could ask out men on dates and for it not to be a turn-off for the men, but unfortunately, men's subconscious minds interpret this behaviour as a woman who will be promiscuous. At least that's what I think an evolutionary psychologist would say about why a man would be turned off by a woman who takes the lead.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra : Thank you for your question.
Deardebra : you could send him an email and give him your number or you could tell him after the date you are going to email him your number.
Deardebra : He might ask for your number.
Deardebra : but if you are interested make sure you give him your number so he can call. But do not get discouraged if he doesn't because he might not like talking on the phone and prefers to email.
Deardebra : Its ok to feel a little eager because when you meet someone you like it's exciting and you want to get to know them, so it's exciting.
Deardebra : you want to follow your emotions. You want the guy to know you want a second date.
Deardebra : its important that he feels comfortable that you want a second date because some guys get worried about rejection.
Deardebra : So you need to drop those hints that you are interested.
Deardebra : He needs to see that he has a chance to go on another date.
Deardebra : You want to get to know him and also share things about yourself so you can see if you have things in common if you have similar goals for the future.
Deardebra : You could also ask him out on a second date. This way he will know he has a chance.
Deardebra :

You want to have your e-mail simple. You want to say something like I had a great time tonight or today depending on when for are going out.

Deardebra :

Then you want to make sure you include your number so he can call, but if he does not call and choices to e-mail that is ok to. Some times people are more comfortable online.

Deardebra :

The reason for this is because they can think about what they want to say they do not have to worry about answering questions fast. People get nervous to say the wrong thing so they prefer to e-mail.

Deardebra :

I would not wait long to send an e-mail, I would send it shortly after you get home.

Deardebra :

The longer you wait the more the person is worried that the person is not interested.

Deardebra :

Not all men are pursuers some guys are very shy and tend to over analyze relationships, so they take their time in asking the person out again. Some guys get so scared of rejection that they don't even ask someone out. You will have to get to know his personality a little better before you can figure out if you should be the one to ask him out or wait for him to ask you.

Deardebra :

Not all men are turned off by a women taking the lead because some times a man wants a strong women the times are changing and women are now going after what they want, they no longer want to wait. A guy is the same when it comes to asking a women out they are nervous and afraid of rejection. There is no difference there.

Deardebra :

Some men do not even know where to begin to ask a women out. They let their fear take over and some don't even ask because they do not want to hear the word no. But you have to take these risk in love in order to find the one you are suppose to be with. It is ok to take the lead because you do not want to change who you are.

Deardebra :

You want to follow your feelings so that you can enter this relationship honest.

Deardebra :

You do not want to hold back your feelings to wait for him to take the lead.

Deardebra :

You want to take do what you feel is right.

Deardebra :

You want to show him your true personality.

Deardebra :

A guy is thinking the same thing when he goes home after a date wondering if the person wants to see him again, if he said the right things, if the person likes him. They often go home thinking they blew it, this is why it is good when a women is open about her feelings.

Deardebra :

Telling the guy she had a great time.

Deardebra :

If you go home and send an e-mail he will not wonder how you feel about him he will know you are interested. It take the guess work out of the relationship. It creates a good start.

Deardebra :

If you have anymore questions you can address any questions by putting Dear XXXXX on the question this way will get it and I can continue to help you.

Deardebra :

I would love to help you further after you go on the date because you might have more questions. Thank you again for your question.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1826
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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