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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My husband has been having an affair with my best friend he

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My husband has been having an affair with my best friend he told me he finished with her and I thought we were making a go of things I felt things were better then this week he moved out two days after buying me flowers and having a lovely evening saying that they were still in touch .in the short to medium term he wants to be on his own medium to long term he has not ruled out her joining him I am devastated now he wants to sort out things financially. He blames me for the failure of our marriage I agree sex was never great but I worked hard this past year I lost weight and now look great this last year we have had more sex and I thought great he says too little too late his head says he should stay his heart is telling him go

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelmingly painful situation you have been facing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe is very serious since it shows his lack of respect, dishonesty and not caring at all about you and your marriage. He has continued to be dishonest after you found out about the affair, using words to manipulate you and now his actions continue to show he is planning his life taking into account his lover and everything else but you, and for sure this would be overwhelming for most people in your shoes, but it does happen and needs to be addressed with a;; the support you could get.

Customer: So it's over I guess we wre married for 17 years how did I not know this man some say he has n
Customer: Sme say he was probably doing this for years and just got caught but he has fallen for my frien
Customer: so it is over we were married for 17 years some say he was probably doing this for yr
Customer: Years so I guess I know the answers it's just a shock
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You have made significant changes and improvements in the past year, but it's obvious that he has not been focused on you and your marriage any more but on his own personal plans and lover. He's refusing to consider counseling to work on the core issues you have, and without him being truly honest and willing to take responsibility for his own choices, actions and the role he played in you marriage, there is no way your situation could improve at all, since for a relationship to heal and grow, it requires "mutual" work, commitment, honesty, respect and caring. If you do your best but he is not even honest and respectful towards you and your feelings, then expecting anything proactive from him would not help.

Customer: I am unable to chat only mail
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure it is, and only you know how painful t feels, and that's why you need to focus on what you can do to heal and take good care of yourself with all the support you could get, otherwise this overwhelming situation could undermine your health and life even more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem. Do you want me to close the chat in order for you to post-email and for me to respond the same way?

Customer: so really there is no future as everyone says I need to move on that is not so easy I feel so alone
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, it is not easy but tough, and your feelings of loneliness, hopelessness and helplessness are normal reaction to this painful reality, that's why you need to get all the support you can from caring and healthy family members and friends, besides of individual counseling to work on healing from it. Many people could develop severe depression, anxiety and other disorders when feeling overwhelmed by painful and traumatic life experiences like this, and that's why professional counseling - psychotherapy support is so important.

Customer: tthank you shame I only found this site now, maybe 8 months ago I could have done something different should I have ignored the affair would it have taken its course and we would still be together
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need and deserve to be and feel healthy, happy and fulfilled in your life. Your husband has chosen not to play a healthy and acceptable role in it, but become something destructive because of his dishonesty, disrespect and lack of sensitivity, but he has made his decisions and there is nothing anybody could do about that. But you still need and deserve to heal from it and rebuild your life with those people who truly respect and care about you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please be unconditionally gentle, patient, understanding, compassionate and supportive with yourself. Ignoring the affair, his dishonesty and betrayal could not have helped at all, but only delayed and worsen the pain you are facing right now. As frustrating and sad as it could sound, it's much better for you to be aware of reality for you to take good care of yourself, than to continue to be used, abused and neglected by a person who does not truly respect nor care about you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Life shows us that people doing what he does, sooner or later end creating more pain and suffering to their spouses, since they do not have the integrity and sensitivity to care about how their abusive and neglectful actions hurt other people's lives, specially of those that close to them and who commit themselves to promote their happiness and well-being.

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