Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this overwhelmingly painful situation you have been facing.
What you describe is very serious since it shows his lack of respect, dishonesty and not caring at all about you and your marriage. He has continued to be dishonest after you found out about the affair, using words to manipulate you and now his actions continue to show he is planning his life taking into account his lover and everything else but you, and for sure this would be overwhelming for most people in your shoes, but it does happen and needs to be addressed with a;; the support you could get.
You have made significant changes and improvements in the past year, but it's obvious that he has not been focused on you and your marriage any more but on his own personal plans and lover. He's refusing to consider counseling to work on the core issues you have, and without him being truly honest and willing to take responsibility for his own choices, actions and the role he played in you marriage, there is no way your situation could improve at all, since for a relationship to heal and grow, it requires "mutual" work, commitment, honesty, respect and caring. If you do your best but he is not even honest and respectful towards you and your feelings, then expecting anything proactive from him would not help.
Sure it is, and only you know how painful t feels, and that's why you need to focus on what you can do to heal and take good care of yourself with all the support you could get, otherwise this overwhelming situation could undermine your health and life even more.
No problem. Do you want me to close the chat in order for you to post-email and for me to respond the same way?
Absolutely, it is not easy but tough, and your feelings of loneliness, hopelessness and helplessness are normal reaction to this painful reality, that's why you need to get all the support you can from caring and healthy family members and friends, besides of individual counseling to work on healing from it. Many people could develop severe depression, anxiety and other disorders when feeling overwhelmed by painful and traumatic life experiences like this, and that's why professional counseling - psychotherapy support is so important.
You need and deserve to be and feel healthy, happy and fulfilled in your life. Your husband has chosen not to play a healthy and acceptable role in it, but become something destructive because of his dishonesty, disrespect and lack of sensitivity, but he has made his decisions and there is nothing anybody could do about that. But you still need and deserve to heal from it and rebuild your life with those people who truly respect and care about you.
You're very welcome. Please be unconditionally gentle, patient, understanding, compassionate and supportive with yourself. Ignoring the affair, his dishonesty and betrayal could not have helped at all, but only delayed and worsen the pain you are facing right now. As frustrating and sad as it could sound, it's much better for you to be aware of reality for you to take good care of yourself, than to continue to be used, abused and neglected by a person who does not truly respect nor care about you.
Life shows us that people doing what he does, sooner or later end creating more pain and suffering to their spouses, since they do not have the integrity and sensitivity to care about how their abusive and neglectful actions hurt other people's lives, specially of those that close to them and who commit themselves to promote their happiness and well-being.