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RLiebowitz
RLiebowitz, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 48
Experience:  work with couples and families in private practice
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Wednesday night Sherry and I had another fight. I told you

Resolved Question:

Wednesday night Sherry and I had another fight. I told you I have lied to her in the past about the arrows being included in her son's compound bow for Christmas that weren't. I just figured I would go and buy some arrows since I already went over our budget. That too, she wasn't upset about, she was upset that I didn't include her. So...I guess from a woman's perspective, I have planted some doubt in having lied in the past. Wednesday it was storming really badly along the gulf coast. I text her and told her that. She is at least 120 miles North of the coast and so she pulls up the radar on her phone and says just looks like a line of showers, nothing serious. I said well there is hail in the yard which hail in the South in July can usually be indicative of a tornado. So yes, pretty severe at the moment. Thinking that she didn't believe me, she said "Take a picture and send it to me". I said Sherry I am sitting down...in my underwear, enjoying my dinner at the moment. I will try to get a picture later if it lasts, but it is on and off. It appears that you are trying to fight, and I really don't understand why? With that she replied, no I was just talking, but if that is what you think Good-Night! It appears....leaves open to interpretation and clarification. She chose to not clarify, to huff and puff, and go to bed. Now she is back to not communicating, or just answering my questions with as short of a reply as possible. Good Morning from me will result in GM from her. How are you from me will result in K from her. I'm sick of this shit. I asked her why she was acting this way, she said I started it and I was being a jerk? I was being a jerk because I was tired after a long day at work, I was nearly naked and comfortable enjoying dinner and watching tv. So because I didn't put down my dinner...let it get cold while I went and dressed, went outside to take a damn picture of hail stones and send her, I'm being a jerk? I'm not going to beg her to communicate with me. Any counselor worth a damn will tell you one can not fix problems by themselves. One may have more to fix, but it takes two actively seeking a common mutual ground for it to work. Really don't know what to do here.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  RLiebowitz replied 1 year ago.

RLiebowitz :

I thought last time I spoke to you you were breaking up with her?

RLiebowitz :

I made multiple attempts to help you find resolve in your previous issue and your response to all of it was that you were "done with the relationship" and "didn't care" - so why are you still together a week later?

Customer:

Obviously I love her, and breaking up isn't so easy. Thanks for understanding.

Customer:

There is a part of me that doesn't care. I don't care for the childish bullshit. But I do care deeply for her

RLiebowitz :

And thats the part I was trying to drag out last time

RLiebowitz :

I don't think you give enough credit to the part of yourself that is very much entrenched and not going anywhere

RLiebowitz :

and you say things out of anger, and I wonder how much of your responsibility some of these things are

Customer:

And I told you that last time...I'm pretty sure. But yes there are times I feel I would be better to end it rather than endure it.

RLiebowitz :

I think as frustrated as you are with her communication, there are reasons for her to be frustrated with yours

Customer:

Really? Because I didn't want to leave my hot meal, go get re-dressed, and take a damn picture of hail...that is my fault? Are you serious?

RLiebowitz :

no no no

RLiebowitz :

I'm not saying you were wrong

RLiebowitz :

but I remember our previous conversation

RLiebowitz :

and I think that there is a level of volatile in your relationship that just never gets resolved

Customer:

She can be pretty damn difficult, and I will say for the most part I have at some point or another given her reason to be difficult. But really you want me to stop eating my hot meal that I have prepared, while relaxing after a hard day at work...now in my underwear, you want me to go get re-dressed and go outside and take a picture because you think I am lying? Though she didn't say that...that is exactly what she said. Well the answer was and is NO.

RLiebowitz :

instead of looking at your relationship as a bunch of isolated incidence

RLiebowitz :

you have to look at it as a flowing river

RLiebowitz :

if your boss treated you poorly and then asked you to do something in a polite way and you then gave him an attitude, it wouldnt be bc of the way he asked you, it would be residual from the previous treatment

RLiebowitz :

I don't think you give enough credit to the residual in your relationship

RLiebowitz :

I see the way you act with ME in these conversations

RLiebowitz :

once you hear something you dont like - you shut down completely.

Customer:

Thank you for that...I hate to admit it, but yes you are right! Too right! But why can't we get past the past and live for today. She was convinced that I was lying over something as insignificant as hail stones. Who cares? Not that I am condoning lying, but if I am going to lie, it is to hide something, or protect ones feelings. Hail? Hell who cares? What can I do to rebuild what we had, what she is looking for? I am trying I seriously am. I am reading my Bible, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, and the Love Dare. They all make sense. Perfect sense. Just don't know how to rebuild.

RLiebowitz :

You need to sit down with her

RLiebowitz :

and have a conversation

RLiebowitz :

http://www.amazon.com/The-Couples-Survival-Workbook-Reconnect/dp/0963878417

RLiebowitz :

I know it sounds corny - get a workbook like this one and spend time engaging in productive conversation

RLiebowitz :

you arent going to fix your relationship talking to ME - she needs to be a part of it - you need to put cards on the table and demand participation from her as well

Customer:

Don't know what all I told you before...but how do you see it possibly working when her family is turned against me because of her sister and my ex-wife? Sherry lives with her mother. She moved back home 17 years ago when her husband walked out on her and their 4 month old autistic son. I would like to have their approval, but don't really need it. But though I understand, to keep drama down in the house which her son and mother reside, I can't stand it when we have to sneak around like little school kids. We are both in our 40's and this really is ridiculous. It is high time she stood up to her mother and basically say get a life, this is who I choose, now accept it, or get over it.

RLiebowitz :

woah woah woah

RLiebowitz :

listen.

RLiebowitz :

one thing at a time.

RLiebowitz :

how old are the both of you? do you have children together?

Customer:

I tried to get her to go see a counselor with me. She said she wasn't going to air dirty laundry in front of a stranger, so the answer was no. I said ok, well I can see where I have more to fix than you, but it will not work unless you are actively participating yourself. If you are just pouting in the corner and waiting for me to fix everything it will not work!

RLiebowitz :

how old are the both of you? do you have children together?

Customer:

I am 48 she is 43 and no we do not have children "Together". I have never had children. She has had 2, one little girl who died at 8 mos. of age, and she has a 17 year old autistic son.

RLiebowitz :

we've been chatting for almost 30 minutes and it's nearing 10pm in my timezone, so we have to start to wrap up

RLiebowitz :

Look - you're not babies.

RLiebowitz :

At this age, she should appreciate a man who is being direct and putting an emphasis on mental health and suggesting a counselor

RLiebowitz :

If you can't get her to go into a counselor's office, I'd seriously invest in a couples workbook and devote time once a week to do it together - 1 hour a week

Customer:

Ok I will try that.

RLiebowitz :

you might also want to consider seeking individual counseling for yourself. I'm wondering if you get some of your own anger management issues under control if that won't help the relationship

RLiebowitz :

what area do you live in?

Customer:

Most likely and thank you

Customer:

Biloxi, MS and you? East Coast somewhere because of the time difference

RLiebowitz :

NJ

RLiebowitz :

if you decide you want to pursue individual counseling and would like assistance I can refer you to some resources to find reputable counselors

Customer:

Ok Thank You!

RLiebowitz :

you're welcome! Do you feel that we've addressed your question adequately?

Customer:

For the most part yes, thank you

RLiebowitz :

wonderful - thank you for requesting me, and if you would like to speak more in the future, please feel free to request me again. Please be reminded that I do not receive credit for our conversation if you do not rate me. Thank you again - I look forward to hearing back from you! Good luck! :-)

RLiebowitz, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 48
Experience: work with couples and families in private practice
RLiebowitz and 6 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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RLiebowitz
RLiebowitz
Counselor
48 Satisfied Customers
work with couples and families in private practice