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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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my boyfriend of two years has been friends with his ex wife

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my boyfriend of two years has been friends with his ex wife for at least 12 years, she cheated on him and started living with another guy, so he divorced her, but then said he forgave her completely and that she has mental problems is why she always needed other guys. He had said he had never been to her house, but yesterday I found a phone number in his office, so i checked it out and it was hers and her address, I finally asked him about this and he admitted that she comes around him everytime she is out his way at his work place, at least 35 times in the last 2 years.. and said yes he was at her house a long time ago when she was with the other guy helping her with her car..he said this stick up note had been hanging there for years and not fallen off??? anyway, I think I don't need to see him anymore.. he says he owes her for being there for him for two weeks during a bad illness(this was 7 years ago) he makes excuses for her cheating behavior all the time.. and used to refer to the guest bathroom as hers.. he says he told her he is in love with me and that she stopped coming around so much.. I really have never checked on him, this note was hanging on the bulletin board and something told me to check it out... i just want honesty in this relationship, he claims he is so in love with me... I asked why they should be close friends and he said, the kids,, step kids, they are grown and never have anything to do with him.. he says him and her discuss her children and what is happening in their lives or she needs help with a financial situation... is this not a big red flag, I feel very deceived... am I wrong. Thanks...
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

This is a very difficult situation for you, and one that will be hard to endure. Your boyfriend has deceived you, and if he is telling the truth he is seeing her on the average of about once every three weeks.

They were lovers and she is a sexually needy person according to her history of cheating while in a relationship, so it is going to weigh heavily on your mind.

He has been to her house at least once and does not need a written note to find it again.

Even if the relationship is not physical, which may be true but is hard to believe, they are still having an emotional relationship, which until you uncovered the truth, was being hidden from you.

This is a big red flag and you have reason to feel betrayed.

Whether or not you can work this out with him, remains to be seen. You may have lost your trust in him and find it hard to feel the same way. You will find it difficult to trust and believe him.

He could take down the note on his bulletin board but that would change nothing. If you want to keep this relationship, if you truly desire to continue with your boyfriend, then he will have to be honest with you. If you want to allow him to continue to see this woman and still stay with him, that is up to you; it is a difficult condition for him to ask.

If you want him exclusively, which is not asking too much, then he must agree to break this off entirely as a condition for staying with you.

Of course he wants both, but you have the right to choose the conditions under which you will stay with him.

I wish you strength and wisdom and I shall pray for your success.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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