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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I fell in love with a man 2 years ago. We get on very well,

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I fell in love with a man 2 years ago. We get on very well, but when the connection starts to get strong he sort ofwithdraws. He says he is scared, I don't understand him. He closes up when he's not feeling well,and that makes me feel so useless. Should I just let him go...it will break my heart.today for example he didn't even call me and it hurts so much. Should I?I mean if he doesn't call that means he doesn't think of me.He was born on 5th September 1960 and I was born on 27th October 1964. Please help me. He is divorced since 13 years
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

Are you looking for a psychic or a therapist? Your question was posted to the relationship catagory which only has therapists.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Maybe yiu could address me to DearDebra....I need a tarot

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
I will put the question back on the queue. The moderator may be able to contact DearDebra for you.

Take care,
Kate
Expert:  Angela--Mod replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I am a moderator for this topic. I sent your requested professional a message to follow up with you here, when they are back online. If I can help further, please let me know, otherwise, no need to reply. Thank you for your patience.
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

Your divorced&scaredGuy doesn't sound like he's capable of opening up to a relationship unless he gets enough therapy to recover from his marriage of 13 years ago, though he might have had enough deeper personality structure problems to make his chances too low for recovery even with therapy. Trying to make difficult relationships work well enough without therapy is like trying to make a long road trip on the road of life with a blown head gasket: no matter how often you add oil, it's only a matter of time before the engine won't run anymore. Trying to get a psychic or Tarot reader to tell you whether your relationship's going to revive a little in the next weeks doesn't enlist either of you to exercise free will to work on your relationship.

 

However, I can do relationship composite astrology or I can consult the I-Ching Ching oracular readings for your relationship. The latter book you can consult yourself. But it will only tell you how things stand right now (probably "Standstill" or "Retreat") and in what direction they might be about to change. Astrology might predict something short-term through transits. But a composite chart might show in what ways you are compatible and not compatible, and those results could give you a good picture of whether it's worth your while to keep trying or not.

 

Without consulting astrology, I'd say it's not worth keeping the relationship unless you can get him to go into couples counseling with you, and if his problems have anything to do with his exwife, to work on himself to graduate from whatever mental health or relationship trap he's stuck in.

 

I am willing to consult astrology. But to get any reasonable accuracy, I need to know birthplaces, nearest town, and birth times, to the nearest half hour. If you can't give me times, I'll have to do solar charts, by pretending you were both born at dawn, at your own place in the USA. Cities and some hour or half hour would be a whole lot better.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

But how can I help him? I know he suffers for this. If there is a sort of misunderstanding he immediately starts stammering and I try to show him with my love that all's ok and that it's only a misunderstanding.And that all's ok

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

Since he always has the option of closing down and withdrawing from you when he gets anxious, you can't make things better for him unless he will work on himself in therapy. Does he take antianxiety medicine? Does he have a mental health diagnosis? Has he ever been in therapy? What is his attitude towards therapy?

 

My new astrology program isn't working yet.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I don't know if he takes any anxiety medicine, I know he does for his high blood pressure and reflusgastro....he's a very good man who helps everyone who suffers and has probs.,,how can I help him I love him so much.. I never asked if he ever went for counselling..Should I? he had suggested it to me as I seperated 2 years ago

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

If he suggested it to you than you could ask him to go with you so he can help the counselor to help you cope with him and his withdrawing.

 

PS If you've only been separated for 2 years from what was probably a long marriage you might not be ready for a full commitment yet, especially since you right in with him right away, so he's been a healing man for you. But he's had plenty of time if he's been off-marriage for 13 years already, and he's not opening up and staying open. So what you're noticing is that he's been great for helping you heal from the key wounds you've carried from your own marriage, but taken as a WHOLE human being, his flaws are unbearable. Does HE know that you want to go further with him but he can't seem to handle it? [By the way, it's typical for young adult CHILDREN of DIVORCE to start relationships fast, dive in deeply, but then start backing out and devising ways to protect themselves as soon as what they have starts to look like a long-term relationship==because that means to them that a divorce is inevitable. And they prefer to dump their unsuspecting partners first rather than wait while minor problems might get more major, because ultimately they feel helpless to make relationships really last, but they're pretty good at self-reliance and at finding somebody new (if they've had enough practice). So the Child of divorce is the pursuer at first, but then once the partner is into him, he's the distancer.

 

Your guy has been dumped once or twice already, so he's behaving like a divorce child in some ways. At least he knows that he's scared--I wrote my 2nd doctoral dissertation on my research into divorce children's romances, and I told my ChDiv students to realize that they're scared of breakups, so they make them happen proactively. So coping strategy #1 should be to admit they're scared and then talk over their situation with somebody who's not divorced or a child of divorce.

 

A little counseling can help ANYBODY in a rocky love relationship, if the counselor is VERY GOOD. I recommend Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy practitioners (see online center in Ottawa, Canada with member lists all over), because how you perceive, express and act on your emotions is the core process for making relationships work, and experiencing that your emotions are safe to express with your partner, all of them.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
The moderator for this topic send me your request and I am here to help you. I read your first question and the reason why he withdraws is because he is afraid of getting hurt again. Even though he has been divorced for a long time I feel that he still has his guard up. The minute he feels like he is dropping his guard and getting close too you he backs away because he feel that if he opens up he will get hurt again. He is protecting his heart. Some times people would rather back away then put their heart out there and take a risk of falling in love. He needs to be reassured that you are here to stay and that you are not going anywhere. He needs time to build trust, I think he needs to more time to open up with you. He is still unsure how you feel about him. When you said those nice things too him and he sent back a surprised face that shows me he didn't know you felt that way. I think that is showing him how much you care. He needs more reassurance that you do love and care for him.
People often think about a lot of things that can happen in a relationship and they tend to over analyze things. People often need to look at the signs that are right there instead of wondering. Being honest and communication is key in a relationship. You want to ask him right out why do you back away when we begin to get close to one another. He might come right out and tell you how he feels, he needs to open up more too you. The way you do this is haring how you feel with him so he knows how you feel. You want him to be comfortable to talk about things and if you share your feelings, he might just share his feelings as well.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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