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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have been feeling that my relationship is going no where.

Resolved Question:

I have been feeling that my relationship is going no where. I have been dating my botfriend almost three years now. We have been living together for 4 months. He finally divorced his wife. He has 3 children i have 2. Whenever he goes to georgia to see his children he does not call me, just text me. He seems to not show affection towards me around his kids. He never brings up conversations about our relationship. He more or less talks about going places together, of which we have not done yet. I support him in everything he does emotionally, but there seems to be no plans of us becoming a married couple, as i have the girlfriend status which is really becoming old, but yet a comfortable status for him. I have never met his family or friends in the time we have been together and he seems to keep his phone on vibrate and turned over in my presence. Is it me or does it seem like something is quite not right here?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am truly sorry to know about this frustrating and concerning situation you have been facing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Every behavior you reported that concerns you appear to be clear red flags commonly present when a person is not truly involved and committed in building a healthy and fulfilling relationship based on "mutual" respect, caring, understanding and support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His behaviors do not show he does take into account your core needs and expectation in this relationship, but has been systematically disregarding them, and using words about things you would do together but his actions have not followed them, what shows he's not truly honest and consistent with the commitment and affection he is supposed to share with you after these three years in the relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not think, you expecting him to introduce you to and share with his family, go to different places and actually have you as a real presence in his life are unacceptable or excessive expectations, but normal and basic ones anybody in your shoes would have. On the other hand his resistance to make necessary changes, becoming truly open, honest and caring about your feelings and needs as a responsible adult in a committed relationship show you are pointing at very different places. On one hand you have been working to take him seriously as a real adult life partner, while he seems to keep you as a secret or isolated aspect of his life disconnected of everything real he experiences day by day, from his family, to his friends and everything else important that needs to be shared in a committed relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: Yes it makes real good sense!
Customer: He always says he loves me... But i have told at times his actions do not represent his words!
Customer: Im not really sure what to do here. I want this to work, but i feel like im stuck in not knowing how to make him understand what i really need from this relationship.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is really frustrating because you have already confronted him about these inconsistencies and tried to promote his insight, but unhappily he has not acknowledged the personal issues he has shaping the relationship and creating these problems between you. As frustrating as it may sound, you cannot make him understand something he is unable and/or unwilling to understand. This is something he needs to work on himself first in order to be able to play a healthy and mature role in your relationship, and again, he is the only one with the power, so with the responsibility to make that happen.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

My suggestion is for you to reassess your core priorities and what you are willing to afford in this relationship, set a time frame and clearly tell him about it, being %100 honest and open. Since it has not worked well before, then I suggest you to consider getting professional couples' counseling, in that way you would get adequate support to work on this, and then it would become more obvious what is missing here and how realistic and healthy it is for you to expect anything better than what you have already experienced during these past years. If he us unwilling to get professional support, that would just confirm all these red flags, thus his avoidance, lack of accountability and caring, and his unwillingness to work on resolving these issues and make your relationship heal and grow.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. Please feel free to contact me for any further support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Rafael,


 


Thank you for your heIp thus far with my concerns on my relationship. I do have something else that i would like your insight on. As you know, i have been in this relationship for almost three ears. He was active military and has retired since we have been together. He has 3 children i have 2. My children are grown up and in the military, he has a 9, 16 and 20 year old and they all live with their mother in georgia. Now, since i have known him, he has taken 9 hr trips to see his children and spend time with them. I have never been invited to go with him. I have been on trips to orlando with my children and he has been invited and has attended those trips several times. I have grown to have so much respect for him as a father, because he shows me that he takes care of his children and goes to no limit to be with them. That was one thing that really attracted me to him.


I recently found a picture of his ex wife in his wallet. He told me in March of this year that he was getting a divorce from her. This divorce has come after 5 years of them being seperated. When we first met, he told me he was divorced! I found out about this divorce through a text message that he sent to his wife by accident when i received the text, i called him to ask him what it was all about and he told me that he sent it to me as well to let me know. As of June, he stated that he is finally divorced from her. But why is there a picture of her in his wallet? There was another picture of her but it was with him and their little girl.


Last scenario is this; His youngest is staying here with us for little while until his school starts up. Ever since he has been here, my boyfriend has slept in the room with him every night. His son is a doll and really clings to him. I guess when he was in the military, his presence in their home was so limited maybe that is the reason why he clings to him so much. But, our time alone has been none. He has left me alone in the bedroom every night thus far. My feelings are very hurt right now, and this has made me feel very bitter towards him(boyfriend) that i does not even matter anymore.


This whole relationship has seemed to put a big toll on my heart. I have become unhappy and stressed out. I have tried to talk to him before about our relationship and my feelings, but it seems that it is not a priority to him at nor my feelings.


What do you think?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I am the type of woman where i see longevity in a relationship. Especially when you have genuine feelings for that person. I grew up with both of my parents so to have that is a precious gem for me. Before i consider couple counseling, i may look into individual counseling for myself. I also want to sit down with him AGAIN, and talk to him about us since he does not seem to want to do it himself. Today, I have been distant from him and very silent. I feel like everytime we talk, however, it seems that instead of him thinking about doing right himself, he takes what i say and uses that as a means to take action.


 


I do think that what you have mentioned in your last reply to me make total sense. I have been isolated in our relationship around others in his "real life." I have told him before that i do not feeling this way because it is very exhausting and takes a lot out of me because of how i have put myself into this relationship with every cell of my being.


 


So, thank you once again for opening my eyes to matters of my relationship that really are pertinent to my well being as well as my relationship.

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach