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RealSupport
RealSupport, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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A friend of mine told me to get out of his life after something

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A friend of mine told me to get out of his life after something happened. I really care about this man, and I value him in my life. I want to know how I can save our friendship/relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am really sorry to know about this situation. It is obvious you feel very sad and frustrated by his decision to end your relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Every healthy and fulfilling relationship, from friendship to romance must be based on mutual respect, understanding, caring and support. When this is not the case, then relationships develop in dysfunctional ways. People could get attached, have feelings getting stronger, invest time and effort but they would not lead to make the relationship work if the core requirements are not truly present.

Issues do happen in every relationship, and they are normal and necessary in order for them to evolve and mature, thus they must be taken in proactive ways to work on improvements, but again, this is something that always depend on both people involved. If one chooses to work on it while they other doesn't even want to stay in the relationship, then trying to push the other person to stay would not help if what you expect is something healthy. Many people do push in relationships since convinced that would ensure keeping the other person, but such approach only promotes codependent and dysfunctional relatiosnhips, where people coudl use, abuse, neglect, control or manipulate each other instead fo creating something really healthy and fulfilling.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If there was an issue leading to this person's change, a mistake causing this problem, then the best you can do is to stick to take full responsibility for what depended on you, show through actions that you have changed and learned from it, and that you truly care, being totally honest and open towards this person. That's be the best anybody in your shoes could do about it. If after doing this, this person continues to reject you and push you out of his life, then you need to respect his boundaries and decision, since it would be through respecting his choices and will, that you would continue to show that you truly care. Then you would give him time and see if he happens to change his mind, giving you another chance, but if he doesn't, then you'd need to come to terms with the fact that pushing him to keep the relationship when he doesn't want it at all is never an assertive approach. Consistency is essential but must be present always around assertive - mature behaviors and never about actions that would promote destructive dynamics, where people could expose to any form of disrespect or abuse, nor lead to codependent or unhealthy relationships. If this person truly cares about you, without doubt he would work on himself and allow you to work together to heal and grow from this circumstance, but if he doesn't then pushing him would not truly help.

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Hi Raphael. Thank you for the in depth answer. Yes, of course it makes sense. The core essential values of relationships as you said, are mutual in a healthy and functional relationship.

Customer:

i have taken responsibiliy for my part in this relationship and I also asked him what happened. I guess yes, in the beginning I didnt respect him, I thought he would take advantage of me and he would sleep with anyone sone when I moved in with him, I wanted platonic even though we were literally in the same room. he is a recovering heroin addict who is a good person, I cared about him and also I guess for my self to be able to function, I cleaned his place which was a disaster. Then I started to have feelings.

Customer:

we knew each other for years but hardly hung out. just spoke. But the more he was telling me about himself, the more I realized how much I dont want to stop being friends, that I was happy to see him and that I care . I started ignoring my initial objections.

Customer:

I also came to live with me after I needed to leave the place where I was at and initially he told me three months was ok, then thought to change his mind. His Jew, and he

Customer:

my tablet is messing up, will have to finish my response to your thoughtful answer in a bit. Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX helpful. I am feeling really sad but respect and boundaries have been my weak points in the past. perhaps because I had to survive so much and the only way to survive sometim was to push through the boundaries.

Customer:

the system isnt letting me to rate you and close out the chat but i must navigate away from this page...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome, and thank you for replying. This is tough and for sure it's been challenging and triggering you in tough ways, but this happens for you to keep working on yourself on core areas requiring your attention, for further improvements and healing too. When past experiences were tough, they could literally shape our personalities, ways of coping and how we build relationships, and take care of ourselves, that's why new experiences appear for us to become more aware of such areas and work on making changes, that way you would become healthier, wiser and from there happier and more fulfilled too.

The system should allow you to rate now. Thank you for your trust, and please feel free to contact me for any further support. Take gentle care and consistent action.

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