How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Norman Brown Your Own Question

Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 913
Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
55153673
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr. Norman Brown is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year. In

Customer Question

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost a year. In January we were out and I got way too drunk and said some mean things to her about wishing she wasn't around. I didn't mean it and it was difficult to get through but we did. I took full responsibility and slowly showed her how much she meant to me as we dealt with her dog passing away suddenly in February. She has said several times that she has forgiven me for what happened.

But here we are in early July and we haven't shared a bed or had sex or anything of the like since January. I didn't push the issue for a long time because I knew that I had messed up and I needed to let her work past that. But for about the past month we have talked about it a few times because it is really starting to get to me. She says she loves me so much and can't imagine breaking up but she just can't be intimate. She says she wants to be but every time the situation might arise she is reminded of what I said and can't do it.

I have tried everything, surprise flowers many times, love notes, dinners, even a surprise weekend away last month. In fact it was at the surprise weekend away that we first talked about this issue. She couldn't bring herself to do more than kiss me in a romantic cabin alone by the fire. I was positive that was the weekend we would finally get back to normal, finally be intimate again. It was pretty devastating to me that it didn't happen then and now several more weeks have gone by and zero progress.

How much longer can or should I wait? I love her as much as ever but I'm starting to lose faith that we can ever be in a completely fulfilling relationship again. If she would say to me "bear with me, I'll get there I'm just not there yet" I could handle that but she can't even say that. Am I asking too much to be farther along by now? If I need to give her more time so be it but I don't want to waste time with someone who will never come around. I am at a loss about what to do.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.


I can imagine how frustrating and distressing this situation must be for you. You are clearly a good man in a good relationship--except that it's not good at its core. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's really difficult and frustrating when your lover says she's forgiven you, but she really hasn't. At this point you have no reason to not believe her when she says that the only reason she doesn't want to have sex is because of what you said.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. There is a possibility here that she really still has a lingering belief that you don't really care about her. And thus, withholding sex is a way to see if you really do care about her or just want her for the sex. I know that's a bit weird because it's been six months already. But sometimes people can get themselves all twisted up in their thinking like that.

The problem here is that your question is a fair one: how long should you keep waiting. The answer really is that you shouldn't keep waiting. We don't know if the thought pattern I described above is what is going on or if there's some other thought pattern making her behave in this way.

But you've tried from what you describe enough really good ways to establish good faith that it now needs some professional intervention. The two of you need to go to couples counseling and find out what is really going on in her mind and heart. Because that she says she's forgiven you, yet holds this grudge is indicating something is not reconciled for her and she can't make it happen on her own or just between the two of you. So you need to get a professional involved.

I don't know if you're willing to. It sounds as though you love her and care for her. So, I would then recommend taking the step of going to couples therapy. But certainly just waiting longer does not seem as though it will change the dynamics that are going on now.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency