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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My husband ignores me at home and rarely calls me from work. He

Resolved Question:

My husband ignores me at home and rarely calls me from work.
He didn't even want to tell me (i found out by accident) that he was connecting his business trip with a visit to Poland to visit his brother.
Now, I get an e mail from him telling me he is at his brothers house and asked me if I wanted to Skype ? (What ???)

Please help me understand this wacky behavior and how to I respond?
I have no desire to skype as he ignores me at home, have little relationship, and didn't even find it important enough to tell me he was going to visit his brother in Poland.
help... thanks for advice.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear Dawn,

I believe that I can help.

I can understand how frustrating the daily lack of communication you have have with your husband. It seems that he is taking you for granted, and may be too easily distracted by his work to treat you with more consideration

Now that he is away he sees that he misses you and wants an opportunity to chat with you (on Skype).

I thing this is a great chance to catch up with him and take advantage of his desire to talk with you.

I suggest that you do not mention your previous communication shortcomings.

Rather, take the opportunity to just talk with him and make it enjoyable for both of you. This could be a breakthrough moment that you should take advantage of.

I wish you great success and blessings for you efforts.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC


Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Elliot,
The problem is that he is going to return to dismissive and unkind behaviors when he returns home. I have no desire to talk with him. I feel good when he is away. I suffer from PTSD from years of being with him.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
And I don't know how to say this without saying it. So far, I haven't responded to his request.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Im not sure why he wants to skype. He acts like a single man, and rarely gives me time and attention or shows interest in me. He is narcissistic or self centered. I've spent many years trying to repair the marriage, but now, have little desire. I wondered if he wanted to look good in front of his brother, but wasn't sure.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Dawn,

You have raised a good and significant point.

You really have three options:

The first is to talk to him as if everything is always wonderful. This does not make sense, as it is NOT wonderful.

The second is to ignore him and then to suffer his further wrath when he returns and berates and abuses you for not chatting with him.

The third is to chat with him but use the opportunity to tell him exactly what you think of his behaviour and to tell him it is no longer acceptable for him to be abusive to him. It may be easier to do by long-distance Skype. You have to be prepared to tell him to hear you out. If you don't you can always disconnect the call. I know that this could be hard, but it is the option that offers the best option for trying to set things straight with him.

It really cannot make anything much much worse and could give him pause to think of how he acts.

He might want to look good in front of his brother, but he will not if his brother speaks the same language as you.

I wish you great strength and courage.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I've told him about the abuse so many times, which only makes him become more dismissive and abusive. He has a huge defense system and may be tied in with narcissism. He either cannot or will not (or both)see his behaviors and how they effect me.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
His brother does not speak enough English to understand, however, if it is Skype, body language cant be completely hidden.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
If you believe that he cannot change and will continue to abuse you (he does sound as if he may be a narcissist), then I highly recommend this book to you, Dawn:

Product Details

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger

Dissing him in front of his brother may be just what he needs. Body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions tell most of the story. Its the same "language" in Poland as well.

 

You must save yourself from a life of unhappiness.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Can I say... I am confused as to why you want to speak to me. Rarely do you want to speak to me at home and you didn't even want to tell me about your trip to Poland...
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
So I should agree to talk to him and then show my unhappiness in front of his brother, okay, thats a consideration. Yes, I will seek out this book .. I read a lot.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
This book is for divorcing one with NPD
hmmm, not sure Im in a position to do so.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Yes. That would be a good start. You could even be more direct or angry. Telling him that he has a lot of nerve wanting to talk to you long distance when all he ever does is act abusively to you and treat you with anger and disrespect. Speak your mind, and show your anger. You are angry and do not have to hide it any longer.

I believe that he won't change a bit, but confronting him might let him know that you are done with this kind of treatment and don't care to tell him.

Blessings to you, Dawn.

Elliott

PS - if I don't answer for awhile it is because I am going out to my garden. First sunshine in 4 days.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
You may or may not be in a position to divorce him, but this book will give you a great deal of insight and help. Randi Kreger has been there and is a foremost expert and writer on the subject of NPD and Borderline PD.

:)
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
thank you Elliott. Seems like a no brainer, but I "freeze" up likely due to years of abuse and don't know what to say. I am going to say it straight thanks
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Here is what I said....

Video Skype? Why? When you are so unkind and dismissive toward me. Makes no sense, and you wanna talk long distance? I can't understand this at all.

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