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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1369
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hi...a few weeks ago my girlfriend went to the doctors and

Customer Question

Hi...a few weeks ago my girlfriend went to the doctors and was told she needs to have a colonoscopy and endoscopy. She is terrified of anything internal. The next day we talked on the phone and she said the last 2 weeks she doesnt feel the same for me, and wanted to break up. We talked for a while, and she said she didn't know what to do, was crying a lot and she said she would call me the next day. She didn't call. We agreed to meet for lunch last Sunday but she texted me in the morning saying she was crying, she didn't want to talk about us, but that we did need to talk, she just wasn't ready for it and that she needed her space for right now, but that she didn't mean it in a bad way. She said she was not doing well emotionally, and I was completely understanding of that. On Tuesday she texted me 'Hi dear, how are you' and later 'Our trip is almost here'; we are supposed to go to the Galapagos Islands in 2 weeks. I have given her her space, have not been chasing or needy in anyway. Any communication, only via text, has come from her and not me. I was debating whether to just go over to her house, but I don't know if its a good idea. If this was only about our relationship, I would have gone over. If this was only in regard to her medical issues, I would have gone over. But the combination of the two makes me feel that I should not, and wait for her to want to communicate, talk, and see each other. Any advice?

Hi, this is my update from yesterday...I'm not sure if you are able to view what I wrote in my previous question, so that is what is posted above. I still dont know whether she is my ex girlfriend or we're still together. I was fairly certain that she was scared of some medical issues, and that this was what was causing her shift in feelings and need for space, by pushing me away by handling it on her own. I went over with beautiful flowers. When I get there, theres 15 people in the apartment! They always have family over, so it wasn't that big of a surprise. At first it was very awkward. I gave her the flowers and thanked me and kissed me on the cheek. We sat on talked briefly about how we were doing and what was new and such. It doesn't seem that any medical issues are impacting her. Her next appointments aren't scheduled until August, and she seemed to be in good spirits in regard to this. I was feeling very out of place, so I asked her 'how are we doing'? And she said she didnt want to talk about it. Obviously, a mistake on my part and I wont make it again. I asked her if she wanted me to leave and she said no. So we basically just sat and talked and watched tv like we normally do for about 5 hours, and it was really nice. About half way through I said I was going to leave because I didn't want to take her away from her family. She said no, its ok, so I stayed. We are scheduled in two weeks to take a 12 day trip to Ecuador and the Galapagos Islands. I asked, we're still doing this trip. And she said 'of course', why wouldnt we'. This surprises me a bit. In the past we joked around that if we broke up would we still take this trip together and we both said of course, because its so much money. But its a little different when its you and in 2 weeks you'll be spending 12 nights with that person sleeping in the same bed. I did notice that she changed her picture on her ipad from a picture of us to something else...that stung a great deal. But she did reach out and touch my arm a few times throughout the night, and I'm not sure how to interpret that. When I left, she said it was nice seeing you and thank you for coming over. I said I was very relieved and happy that she was healthy and feeling better. On my way home she texted me 'thank you for the beautiful flowers and for coming over. But most of all thank you for caring for me so much and for being here for me'. It was nice to hear, but I really have no idea where we stand or what I should do. I've read tons of stuff on the internet about not chasing her, cutting off all communication, letting her initiate everything. I was thinking about seeing if she wanted to get some dinner during the week, or go for a hike on the weekend that we had planned but never got around to. Should I? So I'm not to sure how I should react or if I should do anything at all, except wait and see what happens. Your advice would be greatly appreciated!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Hello. I think you need to take a wait and see approach, but at the same time, don't let go. She is appreciating your friendship if nothing else and all healthy relationships, regardless of if its a friendship or a marriage, are based on being there for each other and basic human needs that you are currently providing for her. I know you are looking to define your relationship with her right now, but I would try to not do this and just go with it day by day for now. She is obviously open and accepting to you and the kindness you are showing her, so I would continue to do that. She is handling some sort of stress internally right now and feels like she wants to do this alone and that is perfectly normal. Some people handle things in this way, other people need a lot of close support, it's just her particular nature. I wouldn't recommend cutting off all communication or let her chase you. I would try and have a healthy balance of leaving her alone for a bit but also make sure that you are still having a friendship level communication with her Check in with her every now and then, ask her how she is doing, etc. Women don't usually tell men specifically what's wrong or going on and expect men to just know, which most men don't have the intuition that women do and that's now a knock on men, it's just the way the two sexes are. The odds of her explaining to you what's going on with her specifically is not very good. I wouldn't waste time waiting for a grand explanation about it. I would just take it day by day. Asking her for dinner would be acceptable, but you might want to ask her for lunch first, as lunch for some social reason is less "serious" as a dinner as dinner is usually looked at as a 'date'. I would keep your events to a minimum, maybe once every 2 weeks and see how she responds to that.
It seems she is ok with how things are going right now, so I wouldn't change a lot at this time.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1369
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks Dr. Paige...


 


I was thinking of lunch too, but she works during the day. Maybe on the weekend? And I should I handle our 12 day trip together...in 2 weeks! WHy wouldn't she just cancel and lose the money, or ask if I could find someone else to go? If it was me and I broke up or was thinking of breaking up with someone, I certainly wouldnt want to spend 12 days together.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I'm not certain she wants to break up, I think she is just going through a rough time right now and she isn't certain how to handle it. I think she is very happy about your friendship and you have been doing a great job of being there for her. I know its stressful for you because you feel you are in limbo and not sure where you stand. Like I said, try not to define your relationship at this time and go with what she is offering you. Eventually you are going to have to discuss the relationship and the future, but for right now, I would just accept the fact that she is at least happy and open with you. She is communicating about wanting you around, thanked you for being there for her, etc. I think that is a great thing and a sign that things will work out. I do think that ultimately she is going to have to work on her communication skills and that you will both have to hash out the details on your future, but right now is a sensitive time. Go on your vacation and have the attitude of going as fiends. Don't push anything you feel would make her uncomfortable. Try and read her signals and act accordingly.
As far as lunch/dinner goes, I would ask her straight out what's best for her. I would say something like, "I was wondering if you would be interested in getting lunch sometime? Let me know. " Something simple like that. If she starts to feel as though you are doing too much or not giving her enough space, then back off a little bit, but be politely persistent. You want her to know you are there for her. As long as she keeps acknowledging it and accepts what you are doing, you are on the right track. I think with some patience, you will be fine.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks Dr. Paige...if I dont here from her first, I'll see if she wants to get a quick dinner later in the week. Does that sound good? But, I was talking it over with my sister....why would she still want to go on this trip? If I just broke up or am going to break up with someone, the last thing I would want is to go on a 12 day trip with that other person. When I asked her last night, she responded 'sure, why wouldnt we go'. Im just having a tough wrapping my mind around that one.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I think she really does like you and she doesn't want to break up or end the relationship completely. I think she is having a few issues, whether its related directly to you or not and she doesn't want to lose you. She is most likely just trying to figure some things out on her own and wants to go on the trip because she enjoys your company, you are a good friend and she may be re-evaluating things on her own. Try not to look into it too much and just try to go and have a good time. I think going for a quick dinner is a good idea and hopefully she will jump right at it. Keep the conversation light and don't bring up any deep relationship subjects to keep it comfortable.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks Dr. Paige and I'll certainly do my best to be patient. I talked things through with my sister, who is a bit of a hot head and she said if it were she wouldnt let her go on the trip; that I should cancel it or just go by myself, because a) she hasnt not wanted to talk about anything, but said a few weeks back that we do need to, she just wasn't ready and b) she is putting me in an incredibly difficult position of being in limbo. Obviously this leaves no room for reconciliation.


Like you said earlier, I feel like I'm in limbo and Im over thinking every little thing.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I completely agree with your sister as far as what is going on. She certainly is not putting you in a good position, BUT it sounds as though you really like her and want to be with her, so sometimes you have to make sacrifices, even if they are not "right" as far as morality goes. I'm not saying you should let her walk all over you for the next 2 months or anything, you are going to get to the point where you should not put up with her avoidance of the situation and at that point, I would start being more aggressive with telling her that she needs to figure out what's in your future or you are moving on. I think for right now, if you want to go on the trip, you should. I think it will be a pivotal point in the relationship to see what does lie ahead. If you are uncomfortable about it, I wouldn't go, but it sounds as though you want to try and make it work, so I'm saying go through this for a short time with her and play to her FOR NOW. Give her the opportunity to figure out what she wants, but also know your limit on patience with her as well.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok thanks Dr. Paige. But doesn't she realize that I feel like I'm in limbo and what an unfair and uncomfortable position she's putting me in?


 

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
She may or may not. I'm not 100% certain of her issue and why she is doing this to you. I'm not convinced it's purely her own stress fed by her recent medical news, I'm thinking that it is probably something to do with you and something you may have done to her that you are not aware and she is dealing with it and trying to determine if she can get over it or not. A lot of times in relationships, men have no idea that they triggered something for the woman to react to and she won't tell him because she expects him to be aware of it, figure it out and fix it without her saying anything about it. Most times, its something that the man thinks is small, insignifigant and forgettable, but the woman thinks is a huge deal which reflects on other areas of the relationship. I see that in 99% of relationships. So, she may know you are in this position, but it may also be somewhat of a "test" in some way. I'm reluctant to go down that road in your particular situation because you had mentioned some other factors, so I don't want to say for sure this is what's going on. I'm hoping that by sticking it out with her, whatever the reason for her putting you in this position will surface eventually. The key is going to be how long you are willing to wait around for this answer. If it becomes too much for you and you feel like she is leading you around, that would be the point I would say you need to confront her about it and make her put it out on the line. I would like to see the relationship preserved, so that's why I'm saying to go along with her game for now, hoping the reasons will surface.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks Dr. Paige,


 


I have always suspected that she thought I would leave her, and that I didn't take our relationship serious enough. Though that is the farthest thing from the case, I understand that my thoughts and feelings have not always been expressed in my words and actions, in this regard. I know she was hurt in the past by guys (one that literally just left; another that cheated), and I think that recently she felt I was losing interest in her and/or our relationship. Again, thats not the case but I completely acknowledge that as 1/2 of a relationship, that is part of my responsibility. Over the last month we did not get to see a lot of each other (my end of the school year teaching, and she was working odd hours and on the weekends too), which I'm sure contributed. In fact, I was going to see if she wanted to move in together, but I was waiting until we were on the boat on vacation to ask). I guess what I'm asking is: during this time, how do I acknowledge my mistakes and represent my true feelings in actions that I do take her and our relationship seriously. I know this can be done with words, but she clearly isn't ready and/or doesn't want to talk about it.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I would turn into Mr. Romantic guy. Think about anything at all that she has mentioned about things she likes, any tiny detail of it and try to do something around it. It's hard for me to give you a specific example without knowing her, but you had already said you got her flowers which she obviously liked a lot, is she into any hobbies or entertainment, specific music artists or anything that might be coming to town you could surprise her with tickets? It's the details that women like. If she knows you are paying attention, that is a HUGE plus for women to know that you care. Now that you mentioned all of that, I bet she is testing you in some way and I also think you are passing the test so far. Think about the beginning of the relationship and how you felt about going after a girl you really liked, having to be romantic and winning her over. That's the same state of mind you need to be in. I think you are doing fine. I know its frustrating for you right now, but I think if you hang in there a little bit, it will pay off. As I said before, you are going to eventually have the conversation with her that she is avoiding. Right now though, is a sensitive time and you need to play the game through the vacation, then after that, get on her a bit to talk with you about real things.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok great, that certainly clears some things up, and I'm up for the test (which is what she's doing, and I can certainly see that) and I think I know to pass it. But what are the things I avoid....in essence, how do I NOT fail the test?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
That's a tough one! All people are different. You know she wants to avoid serious relationship talk, so you know that one is #1 for now. For now only. Have the state of mind of being a good, close friend. I know you will laugh, but even think a little about her girl friends. One of the biggest complaint about men vs women is that men don't listen and women babble on too much. Let her babble and at the very least, pretend to be interested in the conversation! Be a girl friend a little bit :)
She will know if you are not listening, so avoid putting off that vibe. She will be looking for little things probably, so if you normally might shoot a glance at another good looking lady, which I'm sure there will be plenty of where you are going, try to consciously NOT do that! I know that seems obvious, but a lot of men do it without knowing it.
Be prepared that the situation MAY lead to more serious moments where your relationship may come up. Those are the times to tread lightly Saying things like, I wish I could have shown you more how I feel about yo, is very acceptable to say. I think you'll be fine. I'm curious as to how the vacation goes, so I hope you keep me posted when you get back as well.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Great, thanks Dr. Paige! Two last things...1) If I ask to grab a quick dinner this week and she agrees, should I ask if she wants to do something fun on the weekend? Or should I just leave it that and see if she responds to me first, or ask her the following day or something? 2) How do I walk the fine line of being romantic, paying attention to her interests and the details, without it coming off screaming 'take me back!'?


Thanks for all the help Dr. Paige, I will certainly keep you up to date.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I would just do the dinner first. See how that goes. If the dinner itself is going good and the conversations are good, light and fun, then maybe ask her if she wants to do something else.
As far as walking that line, you just have to take it as it comes. Read her expressions, her body language and respond to what she is giving you to work with. That is one of those things where you just have to be there in the moment and react as its happening. Too much planning can make reactions seem scripted.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Excellent advice Dr. Paige...sorry one last thing, promise! If she is in fact testing me, is she aware of it? Did she decide 'I'm going to test him' or is it more of a subconcious test to see if me/our relationship is worth it for her?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Oh she is aware. No doubt about it. She wants proof you are the one for her. Are you a good provider? Can you be what she wants in a relationship? Can she give you all that she is? She knows exactly what she is doing.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Very interesting...so she is aware that she is testing me, and she is seeing how I respond?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Absolutely. Testing seems like such a negative term for it though. If you were aware of some of the short comings at the beginning of e relationship as far as words vs actions, that is on her mind all the time. Women don't forget things and move on like men do, as a general rule. She wants to be with you. If she didn't, she would have been gone. I think she is giving you a second chance per se. So, don't look at it as testing, look at it as a new start to make a new impression.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Right, got it....so whether its a test or a new start, part of her must want to pass that test or fulfill that new start, correct? Otherwise, why give someone a test you knew they would fail, or offer someone a new start if you knew they couldn't fulfill it?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I totally agree. If she didn't want you around, you wouldn't be around.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok, that makes total sense and I'm beginning to see things a lot more clearly. She comes from a particular culture where men dont stay around - they cheat, leave or are never there. I think she is testing me / giving me this opportunity to see if given an out, will I take it or not.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Ok, please keep me posted.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Last one for real this time Dr. Paige! Could this be why she hasn't reached out really to contact me that much (outside of the occassional how are you doing text)? Perhaps shes waiting for me to take the initiative? She is typically not very outgoing and in my mind, would not take the first steps.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I would guess so. She probably wants to see how much you think about her or want to talk with her.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks for everything....its much appreciated Dr. Paige. I'll keep you updated!

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Ok great! Please do.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Well she got in touch via text, just to see how I was doing....which I suppose is a good sign. You think tomorrow would be a good day to see if she wants to get dinner sometime this week? Thanks Dr. Paige, your my support through this!

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Sure. That sounds like good timing.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Well she agreed to get dinner Thursday! She didn't seem overly excited, she responded (sure, Thursday is good). But I suppose she has to keep things close to the vest, especially if shes testing me and/or giving me a second chance.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I think that's good. Try not to look into her excitement too much. There could be a ton of reasons she didn't jump up and down that has nothing to do with how she felt about it at that moment. Try to stay positive!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok a corny question here....when I pick her up, I was thinking of opening the door for her. I did that the first time we ever went out...and I'm pretty sure she's pointed that out along the way. As you said, women remember things men dont. What do you think?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Yes I would. Especially if that is something specific she mentioned.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok, another extremely corny question....shes has always wanted me to wear a pink dress shit, she said they look nice. And I of course, have always said never in my life would I be caught dead in a pink shirt. Anyway, I was thinking of getting one and wearing on the day of our flight. I'm trying to think of ways to show that I acknowledge her, and that I might not have in the past, I'm willing to going forward. Is that too much?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Nope, that is also a great idea. I wouldn't draw any attention to it at all or say, "hey look at this pink shirt I am wearing" or anything. If she notices it, blow it off like no big deal.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I'm sweating the small things....little things like I know she hates the takeoff and usually holds my hand.....but under the circumstances, should I extend my hand for her to take? I usually take the lead on these things, and I know I need to walk a fine line during the trip, its just a hard balancing act, but I'll do my best to read her signals.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I would extend a hand. If its something she is uncomfortable with, she will show you or tell you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Oh and I picked her up one of those cold weather long sleeve workout shirts, which is suggested for being at sea. Do you think thats overboard? Thanks Dr. Paige, thats the last of the minor details I'll bother you with :)

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
NO that's fine. I would just say you happen to see it and thought she might like to have it. Don't make it like it's a gift you want a bunch of attention for.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr. Paige, thanks for all the help and advice. I was rereading the advice you gave me and the assessment of the situation, and it seems spot on. But one thing in particular that you wrote stood out: 'A lot of times in relationships, men have no idea that they triggered something for the woman to react to and she won't tell him because she expects him to be aware of it, figure it out and fix it without her saying anything about it'. Do you think this is the situation in my case? In case, are little things like a pink shirt, opening the car door enough to show that I acknowledge that although I do take her and our relationship seriously, I'm sure I have not expressed that in my actions, especially recently. If so, and if she wants me to 'fix the problem', are these little details enough? Since she doesn't want to talk about it and my words mean nothing without my actions anyway, what actions can I take to represent this? Or, do I hope she notices my acknowledge (even if it is not directly expressed, but subtley) and hope she responds positively?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I'm sure it's part of it, but there may be other factors. You indicated this was all triggered by her doctor visit, so there are probably some internal things going on which don't have to do with you. You had also said that she indicated you weren't as involved or emotionally attached as she wanted you to be, so I'm guessing that is probably the main factor. As far as what actions can you take to "fix" the problems, that has been what we have been discussing the whole time. I can't guarantee you she will come back 100% but I certainly think that if you were lucky enough to get a hint of what her issue with you is, you have the chance to see if you can fix it.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Got it, thanks. But if thats the case, why wouldn't she just have a conversation with me about it? Given, she is not the most talkative and doesn't express her feelings too often, but in a situation like this, I'd think most people would express this to the other person and have at least one discussion before taking such drastic measures. Or, given her nature, could this be her way of indirectly saying that things need to change, and I'm going to see how you respond? (whether you say to hell with and walk away, argue or plead).

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
That's the way it is. She did tell you that things needed to change and she did tell you what the issue was to an extent. That's all she is going to say. Her point of view is that she shouldn't have to talk about it with you, you should know you are being that way. You should know without her having to spell it out for you in detail.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok...I wont say this to her directly, but I will give her the best of me from this point out and hopefully she will notice and accept the change.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Ok great, let me know how it goes.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks Dr. Paige, your advice has helped me think a lot more clearly about the relationship and myself. On our trip, I promise to not bring up. But from her perspective, why wouldn't she want to set things straight, one way or the other? Otherwise, wouldn't she realize that its both something huge on our minds, but it's never really been discussed. Kind of like a huge monkey in the room we're both supposed to ignore?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Because she expects you to fix it without her having to tell you. She feels it isn't her responsibility to bring it up and if you cared, you would know. If she has to bring it up, then you don't care enough.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr Paige, a quick update....we went to a quick dinner tonight, and all went well. At first, I think she might have have been nervous that I'd bring up our relationship, but of course I didn't. So there was no talk about that. But I think we both had a good time; we talked and laughed about our trip. When I dropped her off she didn't invite me up and I didn't want to assume, so I just dropped her off. She said 'well, I guess we'll keep in touch before our trip'. I wasn't sure how to read that. And I told her if she wasn't busy this weekend and wanted to get together, let me know. So that was about it. Should I just wait for her to make the next move, if she does at all? Should I text her that I had a really good time tonight, or just leave it as it is?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I'd leave it. Sounds like things went well. I'd wait maybe 2 days before you contact her unless she contacts you again.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1369
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok great, I just rated you excellent service, hopefully it all went through! If I dont hear from her in two days, should I just check in to see what's up, or ask her if she wants to do something? I did already say if you wanted to get together this weekend, let me know, so it might be a little much.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I would just tell her that you had a great time the other night and just wanted to say hello. Something basic, but letting her know you are thinking about her. It will be interesting to see how the trip goes!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

haha interesting to say the least! I'm just thinking ahead and I will certainly follow all of your advice and read the signals appropriately. Should I try and be cute/romantic at all? Like give her a kiss on the cheek before bed? Or should I let her initiate anything like that?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
It depends. Try to read her as best you can. If it seems like she is wanting you to do it, then do it. I know this can be very hard to tell sometimes! You just have to do your best. It depends all what your vacation entails and what you will be doing, etc. Sometimes, the moment just happens. That's a tough one to answer, it's one of those things you just have to do your best to guess at while you are there and involved.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok got it...last thing for this evening. At the airport or at some point during our trip, I was thinking of telling her real quickly, so as not to get into a discuss...'You havent gotten the best in a long time and I can make no excuses, thats my fault. But, whether we know each other the next 12 days or the next 50 years, you deserve the best of me'. Or should I just avoid that at all costs, unless she brings it up?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I would avoid that BEFORE the trip. Just do the trip and see how it goes first. If you feel that when you are heading home, that is the right time, then I would say something to her.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok good idea...I'm pretty sure, not positive, that what she has perceived as my lack of interest in her or our relationship has what caused. But if I am completely wrong, and its not that, why else wouldn't she at least want to discuss somethings? (at least ground rules as far as the trip goes). I've been trying, but I can't think of anything else that would explain why we wouldn't at least discuss some things (and at a point she did we did need too, which obviously hasn't happened). Can you? If that's the case, I can only assume that she's going to use our trip as a determining factor in our relationship. Otherwise, wouldn't it make sense to at least clear the air?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I do think the trip may be a determining factor. Yes 'THE" discussion will have to take place at some time. I think you just need to do the trip and see how both of you feel afterward and take it from there.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok that makes sense...but regardless or whether we broke up or not (which I still dont even know and the labels are meaningless at this point), why wouldn't she even ask if I was comfortable with her going? Even if she wants to go because its a great trip, wouldn't it just seem to make sense to ask the other person if they still want you to come, knowing it might make them very uncomfortable?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I would think she assumes you would say if you were comfortable or not. When you had asked her straight out before if you were still going and she answered, of course, why wouldn't we, that was pretty much the conversation as far as she was concerned.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I know its unlikely...but could she that after the events of the past few weeks, could she think that I wouldn't want to be with her now? I've completely mature and understanding of everything shes going through, and havent pushed anything, though at time Ive felt like that. And yesterday, I was as cool and confident as I've ever been, and didn't give off any indication that I was upset in any way.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I think you are doing well with handling things and she may or may not have her mind made up in one way or another. I don't think the issue is so much if you want to be with her, but how much investment you want to put into the relationship. She wants to make sure not only that you want to be with her but that you will make her happy on her terms of what she expects out of a relationship.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok thanks Dr. Paige....if I dont hear from her by tomorrow, I'll get in touch and said I had a really nice time, and maybe propose doing something over the weekend we both like. I know I told her to let me know, but if she is the leaving the door, she might want me to be straightforward and clear that I want to see her. I was thinking either the movies or a baseball game; she is not a fan of sports, but does like the Yanks. Haha and she knows I hate them, so maybe that would surprise her.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
That might be a good idea. You are walking the line and that's a good thing Not being overbearing but not ignoring her.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok I'll give it a try...You had previously said that she may or may not have made up her mind already. Would I know if she had?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
She may not even know. Look at it this way, if she had made up her mind to NOT be with you, then all of this would be mute because she would be gone and no vacation would happen. So she isn't sure or she is sure, but she hasn't ended it and that much IS for sure!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Haha Ok I think I follow...she either isn't sure she wants to be with me or she is sure she does, right? But she hasn't decided to NOT be with me, otherwise I would know that by now? I suppose thats a good thing.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Exactly
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Well I'd have to say shes probably in the "i'm not sure phase', otherwise we would be together, correct? Unless shes waiting for something, I have no idea. Either way, I better keep it up!

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Yes and you are doing a great job !
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

And the best way to get her from "im not sure I want to be with him' to 'yes I want to be with him' is....not bring anything up unless she does; give her the best of me every day; try to read her signals; pink shirt!; focus on her and no one else, getting her talking; stay in touch; dont expect her to chase me; dont play games and be straightforward; give her space but dont ignore her; let her know im thinking about her (whether its getting her a shirt for the trip or anything else); ...am I missing anything, or do you have anything to add?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
In a nutshell, that's pretty much it but she will also have her specifics that neither you or I know. Everyone has their own ideas as to what makes up an ideal relationship. She has hers and you have yours. You both have to determine what those are for each of you and she needs to meet your needs as well.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr. Paige...I asked about the Yankee game or something else and she said she'd like to, but shes helping her cousin prepare for her c-section on Monday, which is true. But she did respond 'we will have two weeks to ourselves soon:)...so thats seems pretty positive!

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I think so too !
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Agreed! So, so far so good and its looks like towing the line and being patient might pay off :) And she also said shes looking forward to the trip, and 'I hope the trip will do us good'. Which was the first time she mentioned anything to do with 'us' in a long time, and it seems shes hopeful that we can work through this. Maybe she just needed some time and space to work through some things.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
That's exactly what I think is happening.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Dr. Page...I doubt her and I will see each other before we leave, so this will probably be it. Give what she said yesterday, though not much to work on, was more info than she has given in weeks. My question is, do I still approach the trip as just friends, or as 1/2 of a relationship who's willing to work on things? If we're just friends, how can I be expected to work on or fix things, or expect for this trip 'to do us good'?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Well, if you think about it, all relationships have a basis in friendship. So approaching it as friends is the right thing to do because it will always be the foundation of your future. So you should approach the trip as going on friends to determine the future of the relationship. If she were to say to you that she did not want to have a relationship with you at all and ONLY wanted to be friends, would you walk away? I personally think you should because it is very difficult to continue a friends only relationship with someone you have such deep feelings for and had a serious relationship with. So, even though she is testing you in a way, you are also testing her. You want to have a great trip and hope she sees the value in a future. If she does not, then you too need to think about what actions you need to take.After this trip, if she is still right where she is right now, then you are going to have to tell her that you have to discuss the relationship and put it out on the line. I just want to see you go on this trip and to see what happens with it because I feel it will determine the steps to take next. Go as friends but be hopeful for more.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I feel the same...I'll go on the trip as her friend and be hopeful for more. But if she is still in the same place after the trip, I will no longer be willing to wait around for her, because at that point itd be incredibly unfair to me. And yes, if she said she only wanted to be friends, I would walk away. And if she told me that before the trip, thats fine, but I wouldn't even consider going on the trip with her, whether I lose the money or not. I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX if she wants to be just friends, shed have told me that already, and not withheld it just to go on a trip. She's someone who usually avoids uncomfortable situations like the plague and has never come across as someone who would do that, but I could be wrong.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I hope you are right I hope you go and have a good time and she sees the value of what you can offer. Her avoidance of situations is going to be a red flag in your relationship now and if there is a future. It is something you are both going to have to get through because problems will arise as they do in any relationship and if you can't talk about them, they will never get resolved. In your particular case though, we are taking things one step at a time.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I 100% agree. But I'm sure shes taken the time to see this from my point of view as well, and might be thinking about what I'm thinking. And if thats the case, what could she possibly expect from me? Comforting and understanding, or distant? To prove my value to her? I know my own expectations, but its hard to determine what she expects out of me during these 12 days.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
It's hard to say really. I would just be guessing. I would think that she would expect the opposite behavior from that which drove her away in the first place.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok thanks...then if I was too distant or uninvolved in the past, she might expect me to be 'there' more. Maybe more into her than I was in the past, which through talking to you, is the conclusion I've reached. I'll approach it as being friends, but be more attentive, warm and comforting. I think thats what shes always wanted, but I haven't given her that in a while.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I think so too.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks for all the help Dr Paige...its been real nice to talk things through, and I appreciate all the help you've given me through me millions of messages. After all your help, I'm left with with: on our trip, if I am the same way I've been in the past (distant, not affeccionate enough) then she doesn't want to be with me. And if I have a different approach, and am the opposite of what I've been in the past, she's hopeful for our relationship and this is what she wants to see from me, whether I have that in me. Thanks!

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I'm curious to see what happens on your trip as well!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr. Paige....I went to visit my sister the past few days and we were talking some things over. But overall, I've shared far more with you then with her. She was just throwing this out there....that maybe she wants to break up but she's having a hard time of doing it 'because I'm too nice of a guy'. Based on what I've told you, does that seem possible? Would someone who felt that still go on vacation with that other person and say we have 2 weeks to ourselves, and I hope it does us good?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Sure, its possible. Anything is possible. My opinion is based on what you have told me. Without hearing her side, it's hard for me to give you any 100% positive reasoning or conclusions. I'm trying to keep you positive because I think that is what she wants and from my experience in similar situations.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok thanks...I dont think this is the case, and hopefully it isn't. My sister also thought that this could be her way of 'crying out' for me to be something more to her than just a really good friend; someone to get dinner with and see movies and such.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
That is what I think. I still stand by my original opinion that she wants to be with you. Women don't tend to "waste time" with someone she doesn't want to be with.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr. Paige...we leave on Sunday, but I just picked up this book (I guess it could be kind of a game too) called 365 questions for couples. There are questions about our relationship, relationships in general, likes/dislikes, goals, etc. Some are simple like whats your favorite food and others are deeper, like What is your favorite memory about our relationship? I've been thinking and realized that we know a lot about each other (likes and dislikes and stuff like that), but we don't really know about each other, as another person (like dreams, fears, etc.). And since her and I are not the best communicators, I thought bringing this on the trip might be a good idea and give a chance to open up to each other about who we really are. Do you think this is a good or terribly bad idea? Should I suggest this, or just mention it and see how she feels about it?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
It could be a good or terribly bad idea! You can bring it, but only plan on POSSIBLY using it if the moment is right. I don't know. Based on her avoidances of the relationship, it might be a turn off for her at this time. You would have to be 100% certain that she was up for it.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Yeah I was thinking the same thing. And I thought it might be helpful since she is avoiding things, and this might make it easier, or at least slightly open the door. I would not have even thought about it if she hadn't said I hope this trip does us good. Maybe I'll wait a few days to mention, I'm sure its not something she wants thrown in her face at the airport.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Yeah I think I would wait a bit. Like I said, you WILL have to have the conversation and make her not avoid the issues at hand, but you also want to go and have a good time on the trip first. When you get back, that's when you can start putting some pressure on her. It would be awkward if you were in the middle of the trip and something bad happened and you spent the rest of the time stuck with each other but not talking or something.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Oh absolutely...thats why I'd probably skip the question 'where do you see our relationship going in 5 years'. That's not a good one. I just thought some of the other categories/questions might help us learn more about who each of us is and begin to communicate again, and this communication would ease the talk about 'us' when it does happen.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
If you think there are appropriate questions, you might want to highlight those just in case, so you aren't flipping endlessly though the book and she wonders which ones you might be avoiding and looking into the issue.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Definitely, thats my plan. If she's up to give it a shot, I'll ask the more basic questions, and then give her the opportunity to ask basic ones too, or deeper, more serious ones.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Well, good luck on the trip if I don't talk to you again beforehand. Of course let me know what happens when you get back.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr. Paige....almost time to leave! Very nervous and excited at the same time. I was rereading all the advice you've given me, and I really appreciate it. I know I havent given her proof that I am fully invested in her or our relationship (though I am, since I was going to ask her if she wanted to move in together). And I'm going to approach the trip as being friends and be hopeful for more. My question is, should part of me remain distant or a bit detached? If I'm obviously way too into her or head over heels into her, do you think that would go in line with her expectations or against them? I know you don't know her, so you're just going on what I've told you.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I don't think you should act detached. I think she is just as unsure about how things are going to go as you are. I bet she is wondering how you are going to act and how she should act. You need to be yourself as much as possible but also aware of her body language and just pay attention to her reactions to things. If she is accepting of you being close and more intimate with her, then continue to do so. If she is kind of standoffish about it, then back off a bit. You have to just play it by ear as it comes. I think you need to have some level of closeness with her. Think about what would you rather....if you are too close and she pushes you away or you aren't close enough and she is upset you didn't offer more?? That is the line you are going to be walking this whole trip. Go with what feel right and see what happens.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thats a good point, I hadn't thought about that. I was unsure if I should initiate anything or wait for her, but she might be thinking the same thing. I guess I'll give that a shot, gradually, and see what happens.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I would just watch for her language the best way you can and if it feels right to take a chance, do it.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

What do you mean by her language?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Body language and general attitude.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok got it....I will neither push her away or push myself on her. I know this is nearly impossible for you to tell, but what might she be thinking about how she should act? Close, distant, in the middle? Nevertheless, I'll be able to tell tomorrow morning!

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Honestly, I ave no idea. She may be thinking the same exact thing you are.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Maybe..thanks for all the help Dr. Paige! I'll take your advice, hope for the best and update you when I get back!

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Ok, looking forward to it!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Haha ok last thing, promise, then I need to finish packing! If she wanted to be 'just friends', wouldn't she make that at least somewhat clear before the trip? So to avoid any confusion or any mixed messages, and by not telling me, its leaving the door open for me, correct? Thanks! Last one, promise :)

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Not necessarily. This could be a just friends trip according to her. I still think it's most probably a test of some sort, but if she didn't at least want something to do with you, she wouldn't want to go at all. This trip will probably tell you all you need to know, which is why I think it is going to be one way or the other; friends only or second shot at serious relationship.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Yeah I think you're right, its one way or the other...haha so what're my odds?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
well 50/50 of course! No, I don't know really. She wants you around obviously.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr. Paige,


 


I've been back from the trip for about a week and due to all of your help, I thought I'd give you update. Unfortunately, the trip did not go as I had originally hoped. We got along just fine, though it was clear from the outset, she did not see this trip as a way to reconnect. Though we had a lot of great times, she was also very rude and snotty towards me for absolutely no reason. We didn't hold hands once, she didn't ask for any pictures taken together or anything. But this trip was more of an adventure than a vacation, and for two people looking to reconnect, this was probably the worst place in the world to go. If I could predict the future, I would have booked a trip to Hawaii or Tahiti. This was always my trip, and contained many things that she would never do on her own. On the 7 day boat trip, she was not able to contact her family, no internet, walking through animal poop all day, trying to fall asleep on a boat that was literally walking sideways. I like those things, and she loathes them. She was very stressed and I could tell she tried to get me into a few silly arguments that I managed to avoid. At one point she said she was extremely hurt because she had never been so ignored by anyone before, referring to me on the trip. I'm pretty sure the boat made her delusional because I certainly didn't. I did my best to read her body language and because she wasn't inviting of any affection, I did not follow in her footsteps like a puppy. In fact, I am more proud of myself for the way I acted those 12 days than anything else in my life. I truly did my best. I truly did my best. I was understanding, friendly, funny, had the patience of a Saint. I was literally the best version of myself every minute of the trip.


 


The conditions were also tough on me, but knowing they were far tougher on her, I held it together. I really feel a lesser person would have just blown up on her and cursed her out. By the time we got back, I had completely accepted that the relationship was over and I was fine with that (she also made sure that I heard her refer to my as her ex-boyfriend). I developed the mindset that she didn't deserve to be with me, and I certainly didn't deserve to be with someone like that. So by the time we landed, I had moved on emotionally and mentally. She said she would contact be about giving me the check for the trip, and I was pretty confident we would never see each other again. Which I was fine with.


 


Since then she has gotten in contact a few times. Asking how I was doing, wishing me a belated birthday (yep, she seemed to even forget that). She also said that she felt we left things awkward and that she felt very bad about how things went on the trip. To me, what things aren't awkward the last time see an ex boyfriend or girlfriend. She asked if I wanted to get together to talk. I agreed, not because I really want to, but mainly because regardless of everything, I will not give her any reason to place any blame on me. So I didn't hear from her for a few days (she forgot my birthday and said sorry, she's been in her own little world). She got in touch yesterday saying she was getting the vibe I didn't want to talk to her. I replied that I never said that, and she shouldn't judge my vibe based on text messages. She asked if I was available on Thursday, andI told her I might be going on another week long trip, and she said please let me know when you get back or maybe we can meet before on Tuesday.


 


I honestly am done with trying to predict what shes feeling or thinking, maybe you could get a better read. I don't know what she wants to talk about, if she wants to be friends (which I will politely decline) or she just wants to talk to clear the air for her, so she doesn't feel bad. After all, its been 6 weeks since she initially said she wanted to break up, and now she finally wants to talk. Though given, that trip was the last time and place to have any type of relationship talk. I promised myself after the trip I would not contact her under any circumstances, and that if anything happened at all (whether big or small) would have to come from her. To me, when I dropped her off that was the last time I'd ever see her, but now she wants to get together. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions or advice?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Wow that is interesting news. I am happy that you did what you did, acted how you did and were the bigger person. I think that she may feel bad about being a little snotty on the trip and maybe wants to clear the air for her own well being. I also think she senses that you have confidence about moving on and this makes her uncomfortable, as if she has lost control over the situation. I think you have put yourself in the position of having the upper hand, for lack of a better term in this particular situation. Your next step of course is your choice. DO you go and talk with her out of curiosity to see what SHE wants to do next? Or do you walk away knowing you have closure? That is completely your choice. Think about what she could possibly say to you and if there is anything she would say or do to make you want to try the relationship again. If not, then why waste your time? If you don't want to just be friends, which is perfectly understandable, and you have already made up your mind about her, then do what you need to do in order to move on.
I'm sorry the trip didn't end up to be what you had expected, but after what you said, it sounds like it actually turned out for the best.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks Dr. Paige...I'd agree that I definitely have the confidence to move on, whether she knows this or not, I have no idea. I can think of very little that she could or would say to me that would convince me to be with her again. But then again, I'm interested. For a girl who brought no surprised for a year and a half, shes certainly brought a lot the last 6 weeks. So I am curious.


 


I felt like responding to her that at this point, what is there to talk about? I am way past needing an explanation or an apology for the trip. I have no interaction with any ex's, and neither does she. So I'm curious that after 6 weeks of not wanting to talk about a single thing, she all of a sudden wants to. And if she feels bad and just wants to clear the air for her own well being, I think that is a very selfish decision.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I think you should go have a lunch or whatever she is proposing to see what she wants to say. I do think she certainly senses that you have the confidence to move on and I do think it makes her uncomfortable. I think she is very aware of this. Her intentions are curious. Let me know what comes of it.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok will do Dr. Paige....just curious. Since I do have the confidence to move on, which I certainly feel and know I do, and if this makes her feel uncomfortable...then so what? Why in the world would that make any difference to her? Thats what people do after they break up. It was her decision to break up, so what else would she possibly expect and why would this make her feel uncomfortable, if it is?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Control. Some people just don't like the feeling of rejection, but have no problem being the one to reject. If she is on the other end of it, it feels different. When she broke it off and she made the rules, she was in her comfort zone. It's just how some people are. She may have liked the feeling of you still trying to impress her, going after her. Now that it is over, she doesn't like it. It's a common personality trait in people of both sexes.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok that does make sense, though I'm not well versed on everything behind it. I'll go and get lunch or dinner for the sake of it and see what she has to say...but, if she feels like she has lost control, do you think she will try and regain it? If so, how? And now that I guess the roles have reversed, does this make me the determining voice? I just want to be as prepared for whatever this is as I was for our trip, which you aided to significantly, and I cant thank you enough.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
There may not be much of anything behind it. I think she will want to be friends. I know you said she has no ex friends, but I don't think she is ready to give you up all the way but she does not want a relationship either, so that would be the option she has. You are the determining voice, you always have been. You just let it play out before you realized that. :)
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok thanks Dr. Paige...I just submitted a bonus, I hope it went through. I have absolutely no intention of being friends. I would have zero respect for myself if I let her just keep me around just in case she didn't find anyone better, so I refuse to do that. If she was absolutely sincere on wanting to work and communicate about our relationship, I might consider that. But how do I make sure that I am in control and not her? If she was in total control the month of July and through our trip and now I am, in some sense, I wouldn't want to relinquish that. Should I avoid telling her how rude and disrespectful I thought she was? And follow the old adage that if you have nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all? Should I just listen to what she has to say, nod my head and such?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
It's hard to say. You should take it as it comes. I don't know what she will say to you exactly, she could be very nice and cordial, therefore you would probably want to be polite, or she could still have a little snotty attitude, even if her intentions are to be friends. I would say just go there expecting anything and respond as you see appropriate.
Yes, I got it, thank you.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok thanks..do you think her intentions might be to get back together? I would really have to think that over if that is the case, and would need to take some time. I just want to be prepared and act accordingly to whatever it is she finally wants to talk about.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
It's hard to say. Based on what you said about the trip, she may have at least tried to fake her enjoyment ! I think she just wants to be friends on some level. That's my opinion just based on what you have told me though. I don't think she is ready for you to be completely out of her life.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Understood....but if I am not willing to be just her friend, and if she is not willing to work on things (and im not sure I am either), its hard to see anything productive or meaningful coming from this.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Other than certainty and closure. Those are important things.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Understood...I feel like I have the closure I need, I don't know about her. What do you mean about certainty?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Certainty as to her intentions.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok got it, thanks Dr. Paige...I went out for lunch with a different girl the other day. I figure its better to get out there again and though I don't anticipate a second date, it was still fun to see someone else. If and when we meet up to talk, should I mention this if she asks. I would think this would upset her a lot, so I don't know...and I dont know why should would think otherwise. Also, I agree with your thoughts about control. But if she wants be as a friend in some capacity, why would not having control even matter at this point? Why would that even be an issue that bothers her if we're only friends? Thanks!

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
If she is the one who offers friendship, then she is getting what she wants, hence control. Regardless if this arrangement would or would not work for either of you is irrelevant. If you both end up in a situation which she suggested, then she "wins" in a way.
I think it's great you went out with someone. Just being social in general is a good thing for your mindset regardless of the final result. Just have fun. As far as mentioning this to your ex, that depends on how your conversation goes and what the outcome ends up being. I would say that that fact would not hold any significance in any way and therefore can be omitted from conversation, unless the subject specifically goes in that direction. Why does she need to know your personal business?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok understood...so if she offers friendship and I accept that, than she 'wins', in a sense. But if I decline this friendship, which has been my plan the entire time since she contacted about getting together, than I maintain control?


 


Since you mentioned control...as we were flying home she was telling a story about a conversation she had with someone about our bags being checked. She then told the exact same story again, but made sure to insert 'ex boyfriend' as a reference to me. I'm pretty sure she wanted to see my reaction, which was absolutely nothing. I just listened and let her talk. It must have upset her that I didn't react the way she wanted, because soon after that she got a little attitude over something small.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
In the most basic of ways, yes that is what it boils down to.
I'm sure she was looking for things the entire time during your trip to see your reaction, not just that. I would guess in her past that she was the one who did most of the breaking up with her exes.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok got it, I know how to handle the friends talk if it comes up. But on the remote chance she wants to work things out, and in the even more remote case that I agree, does she 'win' then too? Or am I in a position to have the relationship on my terms (within reason) or not at all?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
You should always try and make things work 50/50. Of course that is the ideal world and you know things don't always work out that way! But you always want to have "terms" from both sides. You want to have similar goals and other similar things talked about. Being that the relationship did not work previously, the reasons why and what will be different thins time are topics that should be addressed.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Oh yeah, I completely agree. I have always tried to approach every relationship in that way, as 50/50. I just mean in this current situation...that if she did want to work things out and I agree, doesn't that put her back in a position of control because she got what she wanted? Or if that happened, does the control factor become irrelevant or less important?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
No because you both would be getting what you both want out of it. The control factor would be less important because it would be a negotiating an a sharing of ideas going forward at that time.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr. Paige...another silly question of mine. I havent heard from her for a few days, when she asked if I was available on Thursday. I said I wasn't sure, because I might be going away, but it turns out Im not. Should I let her know Im free Thursday or wait to see if she contacts me again? I only ask because if control is more in my favor than hers now, I really would want to give that up. I dont want to seem overly interested in what she has to say, but I am curious.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
If you asked her to get together at this point, I think that would be ok. It's really up to you based on HOW curious you are. She may not contact you if she has some time to think about it and maybe what she has to say may make her seem foolish. It may not, just throwing out possibilities. So after some thought, she may not want to have that talk, so do you want to give that up if she decides what she has to say really isn't that important ?? Would you pursue a conversation if that was the case? If the answer is yes, then you might want to take that chance now instead of waiting to see if that is the case. You only have one more day, so maybe wait until tomorrow to see if she contacts you. If not, I'd just let her know you weren't going away and leave it at that.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok thanks...I am curious so if I dont hear from her, I'll get in touch tomorrow and let her know I didn't go away. And I became more curious today because my sister and her are facebook friends (Im not on it) and on her page it says 'in a relationship'. I know that reveals very little, but I know she uses it often and immediately put up pictures from our trip, and a few of us together. I know people dont like others knowing all their business because than they would have to talk about it, but I was very surprised to learn that.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I would just tell her you didn't go away and not mention scheduling anything with her to see how she responds. On Facebook, when you are on it, it doesn't always have all your profile stuff in front of you. It could just be an oversight. Or some women keep that up to avoid getting messages from unwanted men. Don't look into it that much, it could be a few different things.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok I'll try that approach. But do you think she wants to meet just to stroke her ego? Or that if she calls(so to speak) that I'll just come? Doesn't that make me look weak, or have I already established control in this respect?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I don't think she thinks if she calls, you will just come. Especially after the vacation. I think its more of an issue of not wanting to completely let you go. I'm not certain about her ego. It sounds to me based on what you said, it might be the opposite in that she feels bad about the trip and may want to just make sure that she still has you in some capacity because she may have over done her rudeness.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Yeah but knowing me as well as she does and knowing that she certainly had over done her rudeness, that I though I may accept an apology, I would certainly reject any terms of just friendship? Or why in the world world would she even want to keep me as a friend? Wouldn't she be aware of how selfish this is and unfair to me? This is usually a person that avoids any type of uncomfortable conversation, as I'm sure you can tell by now.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
The only way you are going to get an answer about any of this is to meet her. She may be just as curious about your intentions at this point. She may still avoid an uncomfortable situation by just meeting you and avoiding the entire situation. She may just forget about the whole vacation and pretend none of it ever happened and go back to the way things were. It may be the complete opposite of all of that. At this point, I'm as clueless as you are based on the events that have taken place in the past week. You are just going to have to go and find out.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Yep, what a total mystery to me as well. I'm hoping she realizes what a mistake she made....because honestly, I am more proud of myself for those 12 days than anything else ever, and I feel I've accomplished a lot. But you are right, this girl is a complete enigma and there is only one way to find out.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Ok well let me know how it turns out.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hey Dr. Paige...I just got a text from her saying 'Hey I had my endoscopy yesterday so I didn't call you because by the end of the day I was still feeling awful from the prep. Can you text me when you're back from your trip. Have a safe trip'.


 


How should I respond to that? Sorry for asking for help on what should be very simple tasks.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
You can text her and tell her you just found out you aren't going and that you hope everything went ok for her and leave it at that. Don't mention getting together, just tell her the truth and see what she says next. If she mentions getting together, then take it from there, but don't let her think you have been thinking about the get together.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

She just got in touch again, asking when I could get together....should I suggest tomorrow, which she originally did? Or leave it up to her?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
It depends on your schedule. Work it out with her where you are both free.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hey Dr. Paige...so we're gonna get together tomorrow evening, she asked again. How do you think I should approach this meeting? Honestly, if she is wanting to give me an explanation as to why she broke up with, I'd prefer if she skipped it after six weeks, because at this point I dont need it. Or if she thins I deserve an apology, send me an email of something....I'd prefer skipping that too. But nonetheless, I'm curious as to her intentions. Should I act like I really dont care, since thats somewhat how I feel at this point? I don't want her to manipulate me or the situation to a point where I become vulnerable again and she is the one in total control.


 


 

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
You should act honestly as you truly feel. Funny how she always wanted to avoid awkward conversations and now that's exactly how you feel! :)
I think you have been through enough in the past few weeks to know what to look for as far as manipulation!! Trust yourself.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr. Paige...just got back from our get together and big surprise, we talked about nothing. In one sentence she apologized for being rude and being a bitch on the trip, and I was ok thank you. And after dinner she asked if I was seeing anyone and I said why are you asking that. She said she was just asking and I said that I wasn't (because though I went on one date, I'm not seeing anyone). We sat in the park for about an hour, but that was literally it. And she texted me thanking me for coming over and that it was nice seeing me. But other than that, nada. I don't understand, since she seemed to clearly want to get together and talk. And there was no way I was going to even come close to initiating that talk, but then she'd be in a position to say no, I dont want to. I could be wrong, it seemed like she wanted to talk, but nothing came out. Can you make absolutely any sense of this?

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
She is just happy with how things are, that's all. She wants to be friends and that's what you are. That's pretty much it. She likes your company but doesn't want anything more than that. These are her terms and it will probably continue if you let it.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

And she just texted me 'is it ok to ask what your feelings towards me are? and be 100% honest'? How in the world to I respond to that...should I say I will only talk about it in person, not through text. And to be honest, I would much prefer she tell me what she has to tell me before she asks any questions.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Be honest, tell her what you want to say. Tell her all of what you just said here.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr. Paige...when she asked what my feelings were towards her I told her that I would talk about it in person, but that Id prefer if she had something to say to tell me first and then she could ask me what she liked and I'd answer honestly.


Very strange, I dont know why she would be remotely interested in what my true feelings about her are. And if she wanted to be just friends, why not just tell me and get it over with. I definitely got the feeling she sensed I had moved on and no longer had any issue whether we were together or not, it seemed to make her uncomfortable.


So we are going to meet again Sunday or Monday and though I expect to talk and get answers, I wouldn't be shocked if I didn't.

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Oh most certainly. She asked me to talk and we both knew that. She was uncomfortable for some reason (maybe because I feel very good and confident, bought a brand new car and didn't initiate talking about anything). She could have talked or asked about whatever, but it wasn't until she got home and used the mask of a text message to asked me how I really feel about it.

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I agree, if she doesn't come clean the next time, there is absolutely no way I'd see her again, but it would be ridiculous. I've had girls tell me lets just be friends and it was easy as pie for them because they knew for certain thats what they wanted and nothing more. I could be wrong, but I think she is now fearful that I would reject her.

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr. Paige.....her and I planned on meeting today or tomorrow, but I havent heard back. If she is nervous as to my reaction would be, she might just avoid meeting up, which wouldn't be surprising at all. If I dont hear from her, should I text her and ask her if there is something she wants to tell me but is too nervous to? That has always been her mode of communication she was most comfortable with.

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr. Paige....so i contacted saying exactly the above. It turns out she was working super long hours. She said that she respected my desire to talk in person rather than text, and that she was willing to do either. I told her I was curious as to her intentions, since I normally dont see or interact with people I've had relationships with. She responded 'Dont worry there not nad bad intentions, i dont normally keep in touch or see someone I had a relationship with either'...any thoughts?

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok, should I insist on knowing her intentions? I really dont want to have a face to face conversation about 'we should just be friends'.

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Well I asked what her intentions were then, and she said' like said you, its better if we talk in person. It's not a conversation that should be taken care of in text'.

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Well cause I'm a fool I asked the question, do you want to have the 'I just want to be friends conversation'. And shes responded not that not it, is that what you want to hear. Which I responded no to, but who knows what will come of this?

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