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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2694
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Professional Coach
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I am really hoping that you can help me! I have a problem and

Customer Question

I am really hoping that you can help me! I have a problem and can't seem to figure out a happy median. My husband and I have been married for a year and 2 months- We have a great marriage but there is one problem we do have- he has huge issues with me being with my family. I have always been really close with my family especially my mom and dad and grandmother. I see my parents on a regular basics. But my grandmother lives in ohio. well, here is my problem my cousin who is living in ohio is getting married. I really want to go to the wedding but my husband is just going crazy about this idea. He has yelled at me, he tells me that if I go he will not be at our home when I get back, he also goes on the spurs where he will cry and tell me he doesn't know how I could leave him. He has been invited to come but he said no--- I don't feel like this is a far way for a husband to act. I have tried to explain to him that I would like to spend time with my 87 year old grandmother and my other family that lives in ohio. My husbands reaction to that is that I must not consider him family since I am choosing them over him. That is not the case I love my husand but I love my family too. Can you please give me some advice on how to address this problem. Does it make me a bad wife if I go to see my family and go to my cousins wedding?? please help
sincerely,
lost for words wife
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 3 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry you are going through this. it sounds as if he may suffer frm anxiety and it gets kicked up with the idea that you will be away from him for some time.

CoachJenK :

I do not believe it makes you a bad wife for desiring to go to your cousins wedding and to see your elderly grandmother.

CoachJenK :

there may be no reasoning with him on this issue and it may come down to you making the decision that feels right for you in your heart.

CoachJenK :

It doesnt sound like it will be an easy time with him about it, but it sounds like if you don't go, you will regret not being there. that is what comes through to me.

CoachJenK :

What does your heart want to do?

CoachJenK :

I see you are here with me in the chat. I am here when you are ready.

JACUSTOMER-xfolal2l- : My heart says to go but then I have in the back of my head don't go
CoachJenK :

i can hear that.

CoachJenK :

it comes down to weighing for yourself which is going to feel the best for you...

CoachJenK :

does he get along with your family?

JACUSTOMER-xfolal2l- : Yes he does get along with my family but he likes me all to himself
CoachJenK :

That is what it sounds like and that can be a tough spot for you. If it were me....I would stand my ground on this one as it is a big one...its not like a dinner date with friends that he is asking you to be with him instead.

CoachJenK :

I would offer him the option of going again while stressing to him how important it is for you to go to see your cousin and your grandmother

CoachJenK :

That is how i would handle it if i were in your place.

CoachJenK :

he will kick and scream but that would not make me abandon my sense of self and my desires.

CoachJenK :

yours are as important as his and this is a big deal...again not a dinner and movie with a friend.

JACUSTOMER-xfolal2l- : I feel like i don't stand my ground on this I will forever regret it he has also threaten to harm himself I just don't know where this is all coming from with him he is normally very loving and a greathusband
CoachJenK :

and your marriage is relatively new...if you set this precedent where he controls your movements like this, you will bump into this quite often.

CoachJenK :

I hear some possible depression and anxiety and this is something that needs to be looked at for him.

JACUSTOMER-xfolal2l- : I agree with you I will only be gone for4 days
CoachJenK :

Threatening to harm himself if you go away for a family event is pretty serious and I would be calling a doctor, a therapist or someone to get him a consultation.

CoachJenK :

If he is using it just as a way to control then this still indicates that there could be some difficulties that need to be addresses.

CoachJenK :

addressed.

JACUSTOMER-xfolal2l- : I have serve depression and anxiety I do take meds and I have often suggested he go to a dr he was physical abused by his father when he was young and he was taken away from his parents and lived with his grandparents he has never dealed that ANC I wonder if me going away takes him back to his childhood
CoachJenK :

you bring up some interesting points and now his fears become clearer due to his worries of abandonment and this kicks it up. I really believe that you need to get into some treatment together and get him the help he needs to deal with these very powerful feelings that are now being played out in your relationship.

CoachJenK :

Where are you located? I can try to help finding someone for you if you need that help.

JACUSTOMER-xfolal2l- : I have suggested therapy and he rejects it I feel Like if we don't go our marriage will never last
CoachJenK :

I agree that help is needed. These are big long standing issues that need to be addressed. he deserves that and so do you in your marriage.

JACUSTOMER-xfolal2l- : We are in greenville south carolina
CoachJenK :

when is the wedding?

CoachJenK :

Here is a therapist in your area. http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_detail.php?profid=36140&sid=1373152445.781_18148&city=Greenville&tr=ResultsProfileBtn&trow=5&ttot=140

CoachJenK :

his direct website. http://www.drterrymolnar.com/

JACUSTOMER-xfolal2l- : two weeks I have been fighting this battle for about two months he cries and yells almost everyday at me my flight has been booked and I offer to books ticket for him all the time but nothing
CoachJenK :

such a tough spot for you as I hear how you worry about how fragile he is and are torn because of your desire to go.

JACUSTOMER-xfolal2l- : I am going with my mom but she had even tried to talk to him and he does not want to hear it
CoachJenK :

and what does she suggest you do?

JACUSTOMER-xfolal2l- : She says you need to follow your heart she reminds me how loyal I have always been to my family she just wants to see me happy she worries about me and my husband I really want to go it just worry about my husband
CoachJenK :

Therapy sounds paramount for him.

JACUSTOMER-xfolal2l- : I agree
CoachJenK :

and if you feel strong enough to go and strong enough knowing he will be okay then following your heart sounds right.

JACUSTOMER-xfolal2l- : My heart is so heavy
CoachJenK :

I do worry that the resentment will be there for you if you don't go, but I certainly understand your worry for him.

CoachJenK :

His fears of earlier times are being played out here and reassuring him you are not leaving him only spending time with family which he is a part of for a joyous occasion

CoachJenK :

he is invited and if he doesnt go that is his choice, but why does that affect yours? this is the question you need to ask yourself and make your decision from there.

JACUSTOMER-xfolal2l- : I do worry about him he is a good husband I don't blame h for what he went through when he was a kid but he needs to stand up and get through it or we will never have a normal marriage
CoachJenK :

yes and therapy will help with that and you must stand your ground on that issue

CoachJenK :

so although i can't give you the answer as to what to do, i think you have the decision within you and what feels best for you. follow your heart, love him and get him into treatment.

JACUSTOMER-xfolal2l- : I guess I am going to have stand my ground and assure him I will be back and it's only for a short time I will have to find my back bone I have a hard time with saying no
CoachJenK :

I believe you know what feels right.

CoachJenK :

I wish you the best with this and encourage therapy.

JACUSTOMER-xfolal2l- : Thank you for your time you it was just nice to have someone to talk to have a wonderful day
CoachJenK :

you can come back to me anytime.

CoachJenK :

request CoachJenK and it comes to me. I wish you the best

CoachJenK :

please take a moment to offer a rating...my goal is excellent.

CoachJenK :

let me know if I can help you further. If not, I will sign off after your rating.

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