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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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my ex and i just moved toward divorce. I still love her and

Customer Question

my ex and i just moved toward divorce. I still love her and she now has a new boyfriend and said she has moved on and can't talk to me because she is scared and fearful of my reactions. I think she still loves me and we have a 7 year old boy - I have told her my feelings to try again but she says we r done.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

No i was never about physical abuse - she says " she does not know how to talk to me and is not open for therapy. We separated in Feb 2011 and after 6 months we reunited on her initiative. We had a year good together while living in seperate homes. Then it started unwinding and in April she said I still love you our sexual chemisrty is great but I feel we are different. I treated her to everything and delivered dinners and breakfast and we spent some family time. But she sat on the fence for so long and the harder I tried the more the distance grew. Our son wants us together and I have expressed my deep devotion and want of trying...do I just have contact? Or do I try to have a warm friendly relationship?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

All your first paragraphs are dead on - the major issue was her father. He is very wealthy and from Ky. She moved here in 2004 and we soon married after 6 years of long distance and a previous quich marriage on her part in 2003 - "she could not live without me. I have two boys from first that I have custody of.


 


After our son was born in 2005, she wanted a bigger house. Her father was very controlling of her by giving her money and telling her how to use it she she did not work and I provided. He bough us a house after she complained (somewhat understandably that our house was too small) He bought us a 1.5 million home and told me This is her house, don't paint the walls, don't bring your dogs , don't sell your house cause I'll throw u out if I don't like what is going on.


 


The house for 4 years while we stayed in mine. But the house was calling and he was pressuring. I obviously was moving there with out rageous conditions and wa wedge formed as my wife(Chrissy) never sttod on my side and refused to talk to her dad about my trepiditions. She finally oved there in 2011 the initial separation. I explained the histroy consequential to tha. Over the last tow years she would say "I don't know how to bridge the gap betws you two" She acknowledged that her and I were in a rock and hard place and was immobilized by it. I begged her to talk to her or I would and she would always stone wall it. "You're going to give hima heart attack" Eventualyl it eroded recently and she said that and other factors contributed such as my moods. I explained that I was running into the barbed wire fenc you sitting on and could not reach you to simply put our family first. I was immersed in frustration. She always said I can't talk to you becasue you are so good with words and l always come out on top.


 


My MO is shutdown and not speak to her out of self preservation. But I try and remind her of the beauty we had in bond and love and sex.


 


 


 


 

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

So final reply for me and I appreciate your help.


 


Is less more in contact? Obviously just keeping to the communication for our son. You are right she alwats says she cant talk because she can't listen to me and know that I make sense and communicate so well. You r right she shuts down.


 


Is it time to truly move on? I felt like she took everything I had to give and gave minimal while fence sitting.


 


My last correspondance to her was that I only want to remember the beauty in our relationship and let go of all else and that I hope one day she has an epiphany.


 


Do know if anything else needs to be said as far as us?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I greatly approeciate your advice my gut tells me u r right on all.


 


FYI she has been in therapy for years one therapist to another. I tried to enlighten her but it did not work. Almost as if she was unreachable from my words.


 


I assume by your advice no more texts and remain distant and cordial when face to face for our son and good night phone calls. While I deeply love her I lost a lot of respect and "liking" of her allowing this happen while straddling - DOes she really know the truth and why I was frustrated and moody from her constant fickleness? One last response and I will wish you well and seek u in the future. You are excellent and honest with great acumen

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
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35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.