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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I found out that my husband was talking to another woman for

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I found out that my husband was talking to another woman for months. That's when he told me that he was very angry and resentful towards me because I didn't want to have another baby. I did say I wanted one a few times, I just wasn't ready for another one yet. Also he said because we don't do anything anymore. He told me he would stop talking to this woman and never did. Now he says he can't get over his anger towards me and wants to leave. He is looking for a place to stay. I love my husband with all my heart but he doesn't seem like the same man I married 6 years ago. I don't know what to do, I don't want him to leave. I am so sad, mad and heartbroken. He also said that he tried to work on our marriage for two years, how did I not know that he was so angry, I just don't understand. I'm just looking for some advice, how can I make
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 1 year ago.
Hi,

I am so sorry about how you are feeling and what you are going through. You are right when you said that now that you both know what the problems are the two of you can work things out. Miscommunication and the lack of your husband making his feelings known seems like the major issue that caused the other issues evolve within the marriage. It seems at this point you have done your part to try to get him to stay, but he seems like he has made up his mind for now. I do not think continuing to get him to stay would be wise since that can get him irritated and can end up being counterproductive. I would have a talk with him before he goes letting him know that you understand he wants to leave. This will help him to open up rather than shut down and think that you will just plead with him. Just explain how you will no longer ask him to stay, buy want him to know how important the marriage is to you. All have ups and downs and it is up to both to make it work through the hard times. Sometimes it is the difficult times that can strengthen the relationship if things are worked through.

I think the major problem here is this other woman. Something before that happened to cause him to seek this other woman or continue it. He created this by not working those things out with you and resorting to another woman. Then he said he would stop, but he did not. I think he is creating these excuses in order to leave due to "issues" rather than another woman. This will make him look better and put blame on you. Unfortunately if he wants to go all you can do is have the final talk and then let him go. This way he will know how you feel and if he truly loves you his conscious will trouble him in the future if it is due to this other woman. And if it is not due to this other woman then there is a chance he will be able to take time to think and be without you in order to miss and appreciate you in order for him to realize that he too needs to do his part in the relationship in order to save it. .

Even though things are not good now and you are feeling this way they will get better. Two things may happen he will take this break and realize what he needs to do and be back. Then things can be worked out and be even better than before or he may be gone for good. I know it sounds like the worse news in the world for you right now to think he would be gone forever. But if this is the case it means that he did not deserve you in the first place. To not value the marriage and allow another woman in and then not stop. Then go on and leave without coming back and trying to work on it just shows that it is better you found this out now rather than ten years from now. So what seems like a terrible situation will actually be beneficial to you in the long run.

The best thing you can do is to take care of yourself at this point. If he ends up staying then you will be able to work things out and if he does not stay then give it some time to see which route he takes. But in the meantime try and keep active by doing healthy activities or hobbies. Maybe things you always wanted to do, but never had the time. Keeping active will help you cope with the pain until he is back or until you are able to overcome it. Even though it feels the pain will last forever it really will not. The last thing you would want to do is allow yourself to get stuck in a depression then if he did come back you will be in a worse situation. This will not help you as an individual or for the relationship. So the best thing is to try your best to take care of yourself. Surround yourself with people who love you, doing the things you enjoy, and staying busy. This way no matter what happens you will be moving yourself towards a better place in life with or without him.

I truly wish you all the best no matter what happens and please let me know if I can be of further help.
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1147
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
Jen Helant and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
We are going on a vacation with my family and he still wants to go. We have two girls. One is just mine and the other is ours. He says he is still going for the girls. Also I asked him about this woman he has been talking to and he says there is nothing going on. He says they talk but nothing else. I don't know what to think or what to believe. What should I do.

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Jen Helant
Jen Helant
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I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.