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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5237
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Hello, I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 6 months

Customer Question

Hello,

I have been dating my girlfriend for almost 6 months now, I know it isn't that long but I believe we are truly in love, she always reminds me we are.

Before we started dating she was going back and forth between me and this other guy who she kind of liked. She ended up choosing me over him because she liked me more. Gradually over the school year, the kid would text her saying stuff like "i miss you" and stuff and my girlfriend would always be like "I am sorry" or "I didn't mean to hurt you." Obviously she liked me a lot more. She even had a talk with him that he needs to stop talking to her. During this talk they had she also asked him if "he had serious feelings for him" because he never showed it.

So the school year passed and he had stopped. And just 3 days ago he texted her saying to see how she was doing. During their conversation I saw texts from her saying to him "I want to kiss you" and "Do you still have feelings for me, I do" he said "we are better as friends."

Seeing this I was obviously pissed and called her out on it. She said that she was just trying to get the other to admit he loved her once. My feelings were very hurt and I said I wanted to break up with her, and she begged me not too. She deleted his number from her phone and she promised it would never happen again, she would never talk to another boy behind me back and she was very sad when she said this, and very sincere it seemed. She kept saying to me that "obviously you know its true that I love you more." And she also said "I take you for granted so much, I am so sorry, I don't deserve you." She also said "Don't be so upset its not true and you know it, its just a text its not like I see him or hang out with him; never since we started dating."

I told her that if this ever happened again I would break up with her.

I am very upset I don't understand why she would even ask the other boy that and say that stuff. I know she loves me more than him. I think she is just insecure about herself and is looking for affection from another boy. She never makes an effort to text him, he always does.

Should I break up with her?
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 3 years ago.

Hi! I'll be glad to be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how frustrating and hurtful this situation must be for you. You are clearly a good man and a good partner and your girlfriend recognizes she's fortunate to be in this relationship with you. You also felt this same way. And now it's in question. She broke a trust and it's a question in your mind whether she's reliable in a true way. That's not only hurtful, but frustrating: how to know if she can be believed.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about.You are a good person. And you have good values it seems. She shares those values but does have a streak of low self worth. That's true. What does this streak of low self worth do?

Two separate things. It makes her need assurance of her own value. And second it makes her seek that assurance from people outside of herself. The healthy self worth model is that you know who you are, your strengths and shortcomings, and you accept yourself as good, a good human being. That allows you to give of yourself to another person and to receive from another person in healthy ways with healthy boundaries.

When a person has low self worth issues, then those healthy boundaries begin to weaken. She begins to seek reassurance about her desirability and value from wherever she can get it that might feel good at the moment. And then good judgment can fall apart.

This is a rather clinical description of what she herself said occurred and at this time it's reasonable and it happens rather often when there's low self worth. So take her at her word. If this is a boundary issue with her that is more problematic than it seems at this time, you'll find out. But you've been together for quite a while and it hasn't shown up yet to be very problematic. Therefore, take her at her word. What she is saying is believable. It happens often.

You might also show her my answer so that she can work on her own on her self worth issues and not letting the low self worth begin to affect judgment and thus affect healthy boundaries. This kind of self work can be very helpful for her.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

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