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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1358
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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My boyfriend broke up with me because he found text messages

Customer Question

My boyfriend broke up with me because he found text messages in my phone. He found I was cheating on him how do I get him back. I already called him like 40 times n messenged him a million times but no answer. It's day one n I don't feel like eating sleeping or anything. I really love him but he won't listen to me he won't pick up my phone or anything. He said he doesn't want to see me anymore what do I do I can't live without him.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Hello. You have caused a lot of damage in this relationship and he may not ever take you back. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but if you can't live without him, you should have never ever considered cheating on him. By cheating on him and him catching you, you have lost all control over this situation and it is in his hands as far as what he will do next.
I would suggest writing him a letter or email expressing your deep regret and your feelings for him. I would tell him everything you feel and get it to him. You can't do anything about if he will read it or not, but that is really all you can do. I would then sit back and give him time to reflect on everything that happened. If you smother him right now as you are doing, you are driving him further away. He has to decide if he wants to attempt to trust you again ever or to walk away leaving you to live with your mistake.
You need to think about the reasons why you cheated on him. The relationship must have had some serious flaws for you to even consider straying from someone who you say you can't live without.
There is no way myself or anyone can give you a 100% sure way to get him back. It is impossible to say if he will ever take you back or not. That is his choice. All you can do is what you can. Express your regret and feelings to him. What more can you do? You can't force him to do anything. I understand you are in a panic and trying damage control at this point, but if you think about it, you just have to give him some time. After you write to him, I would leave him alone for a week or so and then attempt to contact him again. Don't expect for him to take you back. A lot of times when trust is damaged this much, it takes a lot to not only get back together but even talking to each other can be a monumental task. Understand the enormity of your mistake and keep your expectations in reality.
I'm sorry I can't offer you a positive outlook and a way to get him back, but it is what it is. Do you give up? No. Don't give up, just give him some space and then attempt to get him to talk with you at all on any level That is the first step, then go from there.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
What if he finds somebody else if I wait. So I shouldn't text him at all for a week there must be something I can do meanwhile one week is a lot of time this first day seems like a year to me should I go to his job in a week n ask him for lunch or something n not text him at all till then I love him alot please help I realized my mistake after I lost him. Help
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Yes, write him that email or letter or however you want to express your feelings. Give that to him however you can. Make sure you are thorough in your apology and that you say what you really want to say. That is going to be your key. As far as if he will find someone else, there really isn't much you can do about that. It isn't going to matter if you are following him around every single day or if you wait 2 days or a week or a month. He is going to do what he wants to do. I don't think by calling him every day you will prevent it if he really wants to move on, then he will. It may make it worse actually if he feels he wants to "get you back" and he knows you are watching him, it may provoke instead of prevent. It is difficult to predict someone elses behavior. He may not want a thing to do with women at all for awhile because of how you hurt him, or he could look for revenge or he may just want some alone time to heal. No one can be 100% sure as to what he will do. You know him, I don't, what do you think he would do?
If you are all over him, you won't give him any time to think about if he misses you. You need to walk the line of giving him space but making sure he knows you want the chance to reconcile in some way.
I would also suggest that you put in the letter or email that you don't want to end things this way and just want to have a chance to apologize to his face.
I'm sorry I can't offer you the solution which will make him call you tomorrow and make everything better. Sometimes, it just doesn't work out that way. I don't want you to give up, I just want you to give him space. I know a day seems like an eternity, but you have to let him breathe a bit. If you don't want to wait a week, give him at least 3 days.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He already forgave me but he said he can't trust me again
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He said we could be friends we r still he even shaked my hand I think if he forgave me that easily maybe he might take me back in a few days.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
That is totally understandable. He shouldn't trust you. Sometimes it takes years for people to get trust back from a situation like this. So he at least had some conversing with you at some point. You need to not try to convince him to trust you right now. You need to be understanding of that. Considering you can get him to talk with you or that you do write to him. Be on his side and tell him you accept the fact that he can't trust you and you understand that. You just want the chance to earn it back. Tell him you just want to be on talking terms and start over with at least having a friendship. You have to back off and have realistic expectations. Step 1, get on talking terms. Step 2, establish a friendship again. Start the process from the beginning. Be humble along the way and know that if you do get to Step 1, don't push Step 2. Let him go through his phases of how he feels about things. You are not going to be back into a serious relationship with this guy next week, its just not going to happen.
When people are cheated on, the range of emotions and how they handle the situation vary tremendously. He may never trust another woman again. ANY woman. Some people take this damage and carry it for any years. Others are able to move on and know that not everyone does this to others. His reaction to this is too early for even him to know how he will feel tomorrow, next week, next year. As I said, you are at his mercy on how he will handle this and his response to you. You can only do your best to express your feelings to him and let him make his choices. I know space is scary, but it has to be done, even at minimum capacity.
Get to talking terms with him. Once your foot is in the door, you can make some progress with healing the damage.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1358
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
You posted your response before I was able to post mine. If he has been talking to you, then that changes the dynamics of your original question completely. I thought he wasn't responding to you. Ok, so you can be friends. Leave it at that. You cannot and should not expect anything more from him at this point. Keep the friendship. Don't push it. Pushing it will push him away. I wouldn't count on him taking you back in a few days. Don't have that expectation. That should not be your focus. Your focus should be gaining trust back. Do that as friends. I would still recommend writing him a very heartfelt letter. Don't put any pressure on him to re-establish any type of relationship beyond friends at this point.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He said we can be friends but he is still not replying to my texts or calls. Should u still go to his job on Sunday
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok u can follow up with me I promise if we get back together I will give a big tip. But please keep helping me thanks
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Sounds great thanks again
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
So, did you make it through the day?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He called me this morning asking me why I did this to him and I told him u were not romantic so I got distracted but now that u broke up with me I understood how important u r in my life. And I asked if we could be friends n he said no. He also suggested to talk to that guy I cheated him with because I told him I don't talk to him anymore. U think he called because he misses me. I didn't message him or call after u told me not to. After talking to him today I miss him even more. Help.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ya I am going to go see him on Sunday at his work to give him letter if he doesn't want to talk. I can't wait till Sunday.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I will let u know thanks
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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