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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1818
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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For Deardebra only.....Do you think things are getting better

Customer Question

For Deardebra only.....
Do you think things are getting better with my guy?..Last week he came with me to get my new car,and I was so happy but I went cold when he told me that he had accompanied his wife when they got the new car 25 years ago.Why did he mention his wife? The next day he even accompanied me to the airport, as I had a congress in Siena. When I came back he gave me a small present for my car which we called Camilla.I know he cares but I still cannot understand why he finds it difficult to find time for us. We talk a lot over the phone but I would prefer to see him.He goes out of his way to keep up commitments...now his commitments are less cause of summer holidays. What do you think? Till when should I continue having patience....
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question.

Deardebra :

I feel him going with you to get a new car was a huge step in the right direction.

Deardebra :

He shows tat he is going to be their for you and he also went to the airport that is someone that is there when things matter the most.

Deardebra :

But as far as other commitment he is not fully committed. I think he is there when you need him, but when you just want to go out to do something simple like go out to eat, he doesn't feel the same way.

Deardebra :

I think he is a person that needs to be needed.

Deardebra :

If you needed something like shopping for a new car, he feels he should be there. I feel that he keeps his other commitments because he feels he needs to help others.

Deardebra :

You are the one he loves so he feels that you will understand he has all these commitments. But what he doesn't see is you need him to just been there for you.

Deardebra :

Before you get to upset and are no longer there.

Deardebra :

He mentioned his ex about the 25 years ago looking for cars because he is honest and feels the need to express himself. He was basically saying that he is doing the same thing with you, that is just a sign that he feels the same way about you like he once did for his ex.

Deardebra :

I know this is hard to be so patient. But I feel he is coming a long and I see changes in him.

Deardebra :

I know there is a strong connection there, but I feel he is busy with other parts of his life and does not realize that you will not wait for ever for him to make more of a commitment.

Deardebra :

I feel he is just going to wake up one day and realize that he needs to make more time and that he loves you because you are always their in his life.

Deardebra :

He is going to learn this and I do see the changes. Going to the airport and looking for new car is major steps into a stronger relationship. Thank you again for your question.

Customer:

But when will he start really thinking of us? I am scared he will never come round. I sometimes just want to break off, but at the thought of not hearing him or seeing him even a few minutes I feel lost. I haven't the courage to do it cause I love him too much, but I need a man by my side. When will he change? How long will I have to wait?

Customer:

But when will he start really thinking of us? I am scared he will never come round. I sometimes just want to break off, but at the thought of not hearing him or seeing him even a few minutes I feel lost. I haven't the courage to do it cause I love him too much, but I need a man by my side. When will he change? How long will I have to wait?

Deardebra :

I do not feel you should even think about breaking things off, some times the best relationships take time and once you get to that point you realize it was worth waiting for.

Deardebra :

You care about him and you said that not seeing or hearing for him you feel lost, so you don't want him out of your life.

Deardebra :

You want him to be apart of your life.

Deardebra :

I do feel he will change as you both keep becoming closer but I also think that he is so use to doing his own things and is use to be busy.

Deardebra :

He thinks that he has to follow through on all these commitments but he needs to also focus on you.

Customer:

I know that but will he ever focus on me....this is what makes feel down. A man in love wants to be with the other person but it seems he doesn't need it. Calling me and hearing me seems to b make him understand that even I can make my own planse enough for him but not for me, though he says thathe wants to be without thoughts when with me, but is practically never. What should I do? I have been invited to a Spa not this weekend but the next and am seriously thinking of going....this might make him understand that even I can plan my weekends as he never plans anything for us

Customer:

I know that but will he ever focus on me....this is what makes feel down. A man in love wants to be with the other person but it seems he doesn't need it. Calling me and hearing me seems to be enough for him but not for me, though he says that he wants to be without thoughts when with me, but this is practically never. What should I do? I have been invited to a Spa not this weekend but the next and am seriously thinking of going....this might make him understand that even I can plan my weekends as he never plans anything for us. I witll be leaving mid July to my country for a18 days....

Deardebra : I would go to the spa I think he needs that time to miss you. You mentioned him talking too you is enough for him. He just wants to know you are there that he can call you when he needs to talk.
Deardebra : but he doesn't understand that you need more. When he is out with you he should put his phone away and have no distractions.
Deardebra : he needs to focus on you only. You deserve his full attention.
Deardebra : He seems to be content with the relationship the way it is but you need more. He needs to put in more if the effort instead if you always putting in all the effort. I feel you should go to the spa because you want him to know your not waiting around for him. He just thinks you are always going to be there. He knows you want to spend time with him, so if he calls and wants to make plans he knows you will say yes.
Deardebra : He needs a challenge, he is the type of person that want to chase you.
Deardebra : You want him to see that in order to keep you he needs to make an effort. If you go to the spa he will know that you will no longer be there waiting.
Deardebra : You are also going away for 18 days I feel this will be good. It will give you both time to think about the relationship you have, I think he will miss you. This could be the changing point you need.
Deardebra : You are very patient with him, but he needs to really show you he cares. I feel you should talk with him. See if you can open his eyes to what is going on in the relationship.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1818
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

For Deardebra


I messed everything up!!!!I think it's over.I had suggested going for an ice-cream as he is leaving tomorrow.He said that he didn't know if he'd make it cause a friend of his was going over but didn't know what time he'd leave, so he said he'd let me know. At 9.40pm texted him asking him to give me news.He said he had just left and to call him if I wanted, so I did. I told him he could have called me. Then he started talking abt everything but not of meeting up. I cut him short that I was going for an icecream. I said I could even take it over He said that he prefered not as they weren't good for him at the moment. At that point I said that it was only a way to meet up.He starting stammering and said "I beg you! I replied why he always said that and explained I would have gone over for a few minutes just to say bye.but he replied that would be forced...I answered that he confused me and that he made me close up. He answered that even he closed up. I was so hurt, was in tears but tried not to show him, then asked what time he was leaving tomorrow to France to see his daughter and he said late morning or afternoon as he had an open ticket. At that point I said ok so it's up to you if you want to see me before you leave.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Answer came too late.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I feel you should just let him come too you. If he wants to see you he will call to see you before he leaves. I do not feel you ruined things. It just seems like there is something he needs to talk about. I feel he has to come out and express himself with you. I think he hides how he is really feeling.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

For Deardebra only....

 

Please Debra tell me if he will reply the text message I sent him 6hrs ago" Have a good journey. Treasure these moments with your daughter. You are a special person and a marvellous father...xxx "..He never called me back this today before he left.....I feel so lost, am a wreck, but on the other hand trying to think if it's worth fighting for this love. I feel I put all my efforts and love but as he had written to me 3 weeks ago, that he evidently doesn't love me enough or is not ready for a relationship and that if I love him as I say and show him then I should be patient or else better to finish. Please tell me what I should do. I know that maybe I hurt him for not understanding him, and he feels bad cause he hurt me without wanting to.....Please I beg you help me...

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
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