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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My fiance and I have been together for almost 3 years. He proposed

Customer Question

My fiance and I have been together for almost 3 years. He proposed and we had planned to leave for Jamaica June 29, 2013 and be married on the beach today, July 1. Two days before we were supposed to leave he tells me he is unhappy and can't marry me. He could not give me a legitimate reason for the way he was feeling. As soon as I agreed to postpone the wedding and cancel our trip he relaxed. He has since said he has made the biggest mistake of his life and feels horrible for reacting the way he did. I believe he has always had commitment issues. He was with his first wife 8 years before marrying at the courthouse and they divorced a year and a half later. He then was involved in a 4 year relationship, they bought a house together but he could never propose to her. He keeps telling me to have faith and trust in him and that he will make me his wife. I honestly feel betrayed and hurt and humiliated. I do not know if he is buying time hoping he can work out whatever issues he is having without losing me. He doesn't want to leave or move out. He says he loves me and wants to make this work. I don't know what to do, or if I can overcome this.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 3 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help you.

I am so sorry that you are writing me instead of enjoying yourself on the beach of Ocho Rio (etc.) on what would have been a happy and memorable day.

Alas, it will be a memorable day, but a hard one to ever live down.

He has had around 14 years to overcome his fears and to prepare himself for a commitment, but he has failed. Perhaps he will never do. It does not look hopeful, and I am sure that you realize this.

It will be difficult to step backwards now and hard to overcome the reality that seems to indicate that you will never be more than live-ins. You were done with that status and I am sure wanted more.

He has had enough time to prepare for this. I can recommend therapy and several great self-help books but I would not feel honest in giving you false hope.

There is always hope, of course, but this does not show much promise.

I have seen this first hand. My sister's daughter was left at the alter with hundreds of guests, many flown in, the minister waiting with all in attendance, the band tuning up in the banquet hall, and a sumptuous meal prepared. The groom backed out. Nobody wanted to see him again. It is a terrible betrayal. My niece kept her head up and we had a fabulous party instead.

You don't even get Caribbean beach. I am so sorry.

You do not owe him allegiance any longer. If you want to try to muddle along you can, but your heart may never be in it again.

Follow your instincts and use your emotional intelligence to find the best course. You will know the answer better than anyone else in the world.

Yes, you can pity him for his weakness, but he never fixed his problem, and you come out the biggest loser -or perhaps you come out ahead since you did not actually marry into a relationship that might be doomed down the road. I believe that it still is, but whether you stay with him or not is your choice. You don't have to decide immediately, but if your gut feelings tell you to do, then listen to your heart.

I wish you courage and strength and shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,


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