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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Hi, I like a girl very much, but she separated from me and

Customer Question

Hi, I like a girl very much, but she separated from me and left the job. She got married recently but my love is undying for her but I never intend to create any problems in her life. I do care for her a lot. I do see her sometimes in the corridors. she used to have a pleaseant smile towards me whenever we bumped in to eachother, but we didn't see eachother for almost a year. I suspect that one of my colleague who is married with a kid looks like having a kind of relationship with this girl. I find him always trying to sneak out to her work place where he also visit as an employee. But the unusual thing is that when he is not supposed to go there, he still try to visit. Recently I bumped in to this girl few times in the corridors and I found adifference in her behaviour. She tries to avoid me and at times ignores me. I have strong feeling that something is going between her and this colleague of mine. I don't what is she up to and what she trying to achieve if she has an affair with this guy. I am quite distressed because I have feelings for good for this girl and does not want her to do any stupid thing. you may say that it is non of my business but that does not answer my question. Do you think a girl who is married recently about few months ago would do this? Why is this colleague of mine doing this when I had told him the honest thing between me and this girl. Do you thing he is playing with my mind? Thank you. Regards, Umesh.
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. L replied 3 years ago.

Dr. L :

Hello,

Dr. L :

I would like to help you with your question.

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

Hello there

Dr. L :

This is a complicated situation and I can understand how you would be curious and even concerned. It certainly sounds like your interest in this girl comes from wanting to protect her and make sure that she is making good choices in life. Even though you are no longer with her, the original feelings of care and compassion for her still exist. These feelings are quite natural.

Dr. L :

Would you feel comfortable asking your colleague what he is doing with this girl? You have your suspicions and the only way to really get at the truth is to ask him directly.

Dr. L :

Do you know what you would say or do if he attempted that he was having an affair with her?

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

You are absolutely right and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. you may say that I don't have anything to do with her but I do care and have feelings which will never go till I die.

Dr. L :

Yes...I understand that you care about her and that you won't stop caring about her.

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

I had confronted to him once and told him about my feelings for this girl, but he denied having any kind of liking to wards these girl. I am bit wary about his behaviour.

Dr. L :

That's about your own sense of loyalty to people and ability to see people as human beings who deserve to be respected and treated well.

Dr. L :

So...do you think he was lying to you? or covering up?

Dr. L :

Would you feel comfortable telling her that you are concerned about the intentions of your colleague?

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

I don't know what do you gather from having read all this. Do you think someone who is recently married would do that? Also this colleague of mine wants me to leave the job and go away somewhere else.

Dr. L :

The truth is that these things do happen. Sometimes people marry when they really are not ready to do so. Sometimes they realize very quickly in the marriage that they made a mistake.

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

May be that he was lying to me. I would like to speak to her but I don't know what is going through her mind and whether she also ia part of these.

Dr. L :

Did your colleague and this girl know each other before she got married?

Dr. L :

Yes...I understand that you don't know what she is thinking. But...you could say...

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

Yes, we all worked together. But she thought that I was cheating on her which was not at all true and I told her through one of our common friend.

Dr. L :

As someone who cares about you, I am concerned that my colleague is being inappropriate with you. If this is true, I want to be helpful to you.

Dr. L :

So the possibility is that they truly could have developed an intimate relationship sometime ago and that it is continuing now.

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

I would love to do that and tell her but I don't know whether she has also fallen for these guy.

Dr. L :

True. She could have fallen for him. Do you know her husband?

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

There is a possibility. I really don't know.

Dr. L :

Do you know your colleagues wife?

Dr. L :

Why does your colleague want you to leave the job?

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

I don't know personally, but he was upset when he came to know about me and her.

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

I know his wife. she works at our place in a different dept.

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

May be I am becoming the the risk for him and may tell his wife and other people.

Dr. L :

From what you observe about your colleague and his wife...do they seem to have a good marriage? Is there any indication of trouble?

Dr. L :

Yes...I wondered the same thing...he wants you out of the way..

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

As I understand they have a good marriage and he has bought a house as well.

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

I don't know these girl has been in relationship with her current partner for a while and then got married. What is she going to achieve if she goes after this guy?

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

Are u there?

Dr. L :

yes...just reading your post and thinking..

Dr. L :

She is going to achieve nothing good...

Dr. L :

She will ruin her life and his as well...

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

Her partner is a nice guy and he is a professional and works at a higher level. She seems to have a good family background.

Dr. L :

Does he also work at your same company?

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

So why she is doing this if at all she is doing. Do you think this colleague of mine is posible jealous of me?

Dr. L :

Does your colleague know him?

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

No he does not work at the same place as we do.

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

She is very fond of him, when I saw her facebook profile.

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

I don't think so. He knows that she is married to these person.

Dr. L :

If you suspect him of cheating with this woman and he knows what you are thinking, then he likely wants to keep you quiet. He is under no obligation to tell you the truth about what he is doing. And he won't tell you the truth unless you confront him with facts. But at this point, you don't have facts...all you have is suspicion.

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

you are right.

Dr. L :

So...unless you get some facts...he can continue to lie to you.

Dr. L :

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do here.

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

you too feel that something is brewing between this two.

Dr. L :

However, you may still want to talk to her and say that you are concerned as it seems that your colleague is being inappropriate and you want to be helpful if he is bothering her.

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

Do you think it will come out on its own at some point before it becomes too late?

Dr. L :

Many times these things do come out. The thing to consider is that if you are suspicious because of his attempts to go to her workplace...then other people might also be suspicious.

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

I don't know how I should tell her. Whether she will understand me and wont take me in the wrong sense.

Dr. L :

That is a gamble you will have to consider taking. There will be no "right" way to bring this up...other then saying, "I care about your happiness..."

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

You are right. other people will also notice this things.

Dr. L :

As truly that is why you are concerned.

Dr. L :

Yes...and then those other people might be in a better position to talk to him or to her.

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

what suggestions you can give to me to help out these girl and how should I go about?

Dr. L :

Her own colleagues might be wondering why this man is around so often.

Dr. L :

The best approach might be to ask her to have coffee with you and the tell her your concerns. But you already said that she seems to be avoiding you in the corridor. Still...it is worth a shot to ask her if you could have a few minutes of her time to chat. If she is being bothered by this colleague, you could offer to talk to him...or to talk to his wife.

Dr. L :

Otherwise, you will need to ask her how you can be helpful to her. Let her explain what she needs and wants.

Dr. L :

Okay?

JACUSTOMER-bbttof20- :

Thank you so much. Much appreciated.

Dr. L :

You are very welcome.

Dr. L :

Take care!

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