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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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An acquaintance from work added me on fb. He initiated the

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An acquaintance from work added me on fb. He initiated the conversation and eventually showed interests in me, asking me out. At first i thought this was a friendly gesture between colleagues and he was also a nice guy, however, I was hesitant at the time bc this caught me off guard and I never intended to develop any sort of romantic relationships within the workplace. We chatted for a few days and after a while i just couldn't greet him naturally as i would at work. I decided not to send him the wrong messages so i became aloof, at times, giving him the cold shoulders. Eventually, this person has unfriended me on FB and his action has just driven me insane. Just as i was opening my mind up to trying new things, he purged me from his friends list. I don't understand what has driven him to make advances at me so soon, and then deleting me. We still see each other at work and he still greets me however, i can't really be the same friendly self to him again.


I also want to know if i should make the advances this time and at least give something to show that i'm interested, but i'm also hesitant after feeling so rejected without an explanation. 

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know you have been facing this uncomfortable situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your frustration seems to come from the expectations you developed after you decided to accept his FB invitation. you said you though it was a friendly gesture from a coworker but it caught you off guard once you realized he was looking for a romantic relationship, what was something you did not want to happen at your workplace. Thus you decided not to "send him the worn messages..becoming aloof... and giving him the cold shoulders". You were just being consistent with your decision not to promote nor engage in any romantic dynamics at your workplace. Then because of your behaviors he could have felt you were not interested and probably felt rejected, what may have led to his decision to unfriend you from his FB account.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now as soon as he did that you felt rejected and shocked by it, since you were already "opening your mind up to trying new things", but obviously he did not see that but your aloofness and cold shoulders. Does it make sense? I think both of you got frustrated since were expecting this to develop in different ways, but read each others' behaviors and just reacted to them in defensive ways.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When you accepted his FB invitation and shared with him, you gave the message you were open to explore and share, but as soon as you decided "not to give him the wrong messages", he took it as if you were rejecting him and not interested at all, something that was in fact what you wanted at that time, you did not want to engage in romantic relationships at your workplace, then you chose to be more open about it, but he already reacted to your changes by deleting you from his FB account. You see how each of you have been reacting here, feeling frustrated and rejected?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This shows a communication problem, where each of you have made assumptions, built expectations and communicated in limited ways, because of lack of openness and directness. You end your message stating you are interested , but afraid of feeling more rejected. In relationships, we all change and could learn, because we get challenged and triggered by people's behaviors, pushing personal issues, fears, feelings and longings, thus when communication is not assertive enough, we could give the wrong messages and what seems obvious to us, could appear very different to the other person's mind-heart's eye.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I invite you to consider being more open and direct towards this person if you continue to feel you want to explore a closer relationship with him, if willing to afford the challenges it presents, which include uncomfortable and painful circumstances, but many times worthy because of what they could bring and promote to those who work on themselves and with other people to create meaningful, healthy, mature and fulfilling experiences.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
Rafael M.T.Therapist says:
6/22/13 8:00 AM
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
6/22/13 8:02 AM
I am sorry to know you have been facing this uncomfortable situation.
6/22/13 8:09 AM
Your frustration seems to come from the expectations you developed after you decided to accept his FB invitation. you said you though it was a friendly gesture from a coworker but it caught you off guard once you realized he was looking for a romantic relationship, what was something you did not want to happen at your workplace. Thus you decided not to "send him the worn messages..becoming aloof... and giving him the cold shoulders". You were just being consistent with your decision not to promote nor engage in any romantic dynamics at your workplace. Then because of your behaviors he could have felt you were not interested and probably felt rejected, what may have led to his decision to unfriend you from his FB account.
6/22/13 8:14 AM
Now as soon as he did that you felt rejected and shocked by it, since you were already "opening your mind up to trying new things", but obviously he did not see that but your aloofness and cold shoulders. Does it make sense? I think both of you got frustrated since were expecting this to develop in different ways, but read each others' behaviors and just reacted to them in defensive ways.
6/22/13 8:18 AM
When you accepted his FB invitation and shared with him, you gave the message you were open to explore and share, but as soon as you decided "not to give him the wrong messages", he took it as if you were rejecting him and not interested at all, something that was in fact what you wanted at that time, you did not want to engage in romantic relationships at your workplace, then you chose to be more open about it, but he already reacted to your changes by deleting you from his FB account. You see how each of you have been reacting here, feeling frustrated and rejected?
6/22/13 8:42 AM
This shows a communication problem, where each of you have made assumptions, built expectations and communicated in limited ways, because of lack of openness and directness. You end your message stating you are interested , but afraid of feeling more rejected. In relationships, we all change and could learn, because we get challenged and triggered by people's behaviors, pushing personal issues, fears, feelings and longings, thus when communication is not assertive enough, we could give the wrong messages and what seems obvious to us, could appear very different to the other person's mind-heart's eye.
6/22/13 8:44 AM
I invite you to consider being more open and direct towards this person if you continue to feel you want to explore a closer relationship with him, if willing to afford the challenges it presents, which include uncomfortable and painful circumstances, but many times worthy because of what they could bring and promote to those who work on themselves and with other people to create meaningful, healthy, mature and fulfilling experiences.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hello Rafael,


 


Thank you for such an in-depth explanation. I really appreciate it.


I know this may sound juvenile, but what steps can i make to make advances towards this person?


 


I'm also second guessing that he unfriended me maybe because he eventually lost interests? If so, i'm very hesitant to make the first move unless i see signs that he may still be interested.


 


thank you,

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
Hi and you're welcome

What you know is that being the way you are without repressing, nor avoiding him or showing interests and openness to share, just as you did by the beginning, would be the best approach. remember you went from being yourself and open to allow him access to the "cold shoulders"? Then what you'd need to do now is to consistently show him you care and are interested and open to share. "consistency" would be a key factor in this approach, since before the radical change in the way you conducted yourself towards him was what could have pushed him away, real consistency would show him you are interested. It's interesting to see how many people when dating and looking for dating counsel, read in books and online that a good strategy is to not to show interest, as a way to trigger the other person's fears around rejection and abandonment, so to promote interest. I do never recommend such approach, since it does not promote healthy, fulfilling and adult relationships. It could be that he chose to make these changes in his attitude because of feeling rejected and also as a strategy to see if you feel uncomfortable with it and pursue him. I do not know if this is the case, but it could be, and anyway, it would be your consistent disposition for sharing and showing interest on a regular basis, from greetings to little talks, and initiatives like taking a coffee together or anything that matches your personality and you may feel comfortable with, what would promote a renewed communication.

Everything else would depend on him, his maturity, interest and willingness to share and explore or not. Remember that people react the way they do because of past experiences, and those who have serious issues around rejection and abandonment, would not easily be open nor willing to expose themselves to new episodes where they could feel vulnerable and hurt. Then it's always about how each person's experiences shape their feelings and reactions in the present, while current behaviors mostly trigger such reactions-feelings. Most time people think they caused such powerful reactions, but in reality we do trigger what is already there. I would say that the interest he showed has not disappeared but was set aside because of your reaction and his unwillingness to feel rejected. Now only time and experience would show you how willing and able he happens to be to give it another chance. remember that you can and should own your feelings and actions, but he is the one with full power and accountability around his own choices and reactions, thus whatever happens in relationships do always depends on how each person plays a role in it and never on one alone.

If you feel it is worthy, go for it with an open mind and willing to afford the lessons you get from it, even if things do not develop the way you expect, it would be a helpful experience for you.

Thank you for your trust. I hope you create an enriching experience from this situation. Take gentle care,

Rafael.

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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach