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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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An acquaintance from work added me on fb. He initiated the

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An acquaintance from work added me on fb. He initiated the conversation and eventually showed interests in me, asking me out. At first i thought this was a friendly gesture between colleagues and he was also a nice guy, however, I was hesitant at the time bc this caught me off guard and I never intended to develop any sort of romantic relationships within the workplace. We chatted for a few days and after a while i just couldn't greet him naturally as i would at work. I decided not to send him the wrong messages so i became aloof, at times, giving him the cold shoulders. Eventually, this person has unfriended me on FB and his action has just driven me insane. Just as i was opening my mind up to trying new things, he purged me from his friends list. I don't understand what has driven him to make advances at me so soon, and then deleting me. We still see each other at work and he still greets me however, i can't really be the same friendly self to him again.


I also want to know if i should make the advances this time and at least give something to show that i'm interested, but i'm also hesitant after feeling so rejected without an explanation. 

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know you have been facing this uncomfortable situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your frustration seems to come from the expectations you developed after you decided to accept his FB invitation. you said you though it was a friendly gesture from a coworker but it caught you off guard once you realized he was looking for a romantic relationship, what was something you did not want to happen at your workplace. Thus you decided not to "send him the worn messages..becoming aloof... and giving him the cold shoulders". You were just being consistent with your decision not to promote nor engage in any romantic dynamics at your workplace. Then because of your behaviors he could have felt you were not interested and probably felt rejected, what may have led to his decision to unfriend you from his FB account.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now as soon as he did that you felt rejected and shocked by it, since you were already "opening your mind up to trying new things", but obviously he did not see that but your aloofness and cold shoulders. Does it make sense? I think both of you got frustrated since were expecting this to develop in different ways, but read each others' behaviors and just reacted to them in defensive ways.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When you accepted his FB invitation and shared with him, you gave the message you were open to explore and share, but as soon as you decided "not to give him the wrong messages", he took it as if you were rejecting him and not interested at all, something that was in fact what you wanted at that time, you did not want to engage in romantic relationships at your workplace, then you chose to be more open about it, but he already reacted to your changes by deleting you from his FB account. You see how each of you have been reacting here, feeling frustrated and rejected?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This shows a communication problem, where each of you have made assumptions, built expectations and communicated in limited ways, because of lack of openness and directness. You end your message stating you are interested , but afraid of feeling more rejected. In relationships, we all change and could learn, because we get challenged and triggered by people's behaviors, pushing personal issues, fears, feelings and longings, thus when communication is not assertive enough, we could give the wrong messages and what seems obvious to us, could appear very different to the other person's mind-heart's eye.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I invite you to consider being more open and direct towards this person if you continue to feel you want to explore a closer relationship with him, if willing to afford the challenges it presents, which include uncomfortable and painful circumstances, but many times worthy because of what they could bring and promote to those who work on themselves and with other people to create meaningful, healthy, mature and fulfilling experiences.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
Rafael M.T.Therapist says:
6/22/13 8:00 AM
Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
6/22/13 8:02 AM
I am sorry to know you have been facing this uncomfortable situation.
6/22/13 8:09 AM
Your frustration seems to come from the expectations you developed after you decided to accept his FB invitation. you said you though it was a friendly gesture from a coworker but it caught you off guard once you realized he was looking for a romantic relationship, what was something you did not want to happen at your workplace. Thus you decided not to "send him the worn messages..becoming aloof... and giving him the cold shoulders". You were just being consistent with your decision not to promote nor engage in any romantic dynamics at your workplace. Then because of your behaviors he could have felt you were not interested and probably felt rejected, what may have led to his decision to unfriend you from his FB account.
6/22/13 8:14 AM
Now as soon as he did that you felt rejected and shocked by it, since you were already "opening your mind up to trying new things", but obviously he did not see that but your aloofness and cold shoulders. Does it make sense? I think both of you got frustrated since were expecting this to develop in different ways, but read each others' behaviors and just reacted to them in defensive ways.
6/22/13 8:18 AM
When you accepted his FB invitation and shared with him, you gave the message you were open to explore and share, but as soon as you decided "not to give him the wrong messages", he took it as if you were rejecting him and not interested at all, something that was in fact what you wanted at that time, you did not want to engage in romantic relationships at your workplace, then you chose to be more open about it, but he already reacted to your changes by deleting you from his FB account. You see how each of you have been reacting here, feeling frustrated and rejected?
6/22/13 8:42 AM
This shows a communication problem, where each of you have made assumptions, built expectations and communicated in limited ways, because of lack of openness and directness. You end your message stating you are interested , but afraid of feeling more rejected. In relationships, we all change and could learn, because we get challenged and triggered by people's behaviors, pushing personal issues, fears, feelings and longings, thus when communication is not assertive enough, we could give the wrong messages and what seems obvious to us, could appear very different to the other person's mind-heart's eye.
6/22/13 8:44 AM
I invite you to consider being more open and direct towards this person if you continue to feel you want to explore a closer relationship with him, if willing to afford the challenges it presents, which include uncomfortable and painful circumstances, but many times worthy because of what they could bring and promote to those who work on themselves and with other people to create meaningful, healthy, mature and fulfilling experiences.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hello Rafael,


 


Thank you for such an in-depth explanation. I really appreciate it.


I know this may sound juvenile, but what steps can i make to make advances towards this person?


 


I'm also second guessing that he unfriended me maybe because he eventually lost interests? If so, i'm very hesitant to make the first move unless i see signs that he may still be interested.


 


thank you,

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
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