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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
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Hi just want to ask a question regarding my best friend, I

Resolved Question:

Hi just want to ask a question regarding my best friend, I have known her for almost five years and through that time we have been through many ups and downs in life and have always been there to talk to and support one another at these times and she was always great to talk to, but in the last few months we've become distant we live away from one another but have always remained in contact, but the last two months have been impossible to contact her as the only way recently that I am able to contact her has been through Facebook and she hasnt replied to me i have learnt that she had recently her baby shower i was supposed to be invited to it and she had her forth child and hasn't contacted me or anything to let me know. i am kinda hurt as we have in past times shared what we were going though and i learnt other friends were their for the birth and i guess I'm feel somewhat rejected and pushed aside as i feel she may no long need me as a friend, it may be that she is busy as she leads a busy life but I'm scared that our friendship has come to an end and we have drifted apart.
I don't have really any close friends at this point in my life and I know I should get out and interact with people more but I just can't help feeling hurt, should I be feeling this way? Should I try harder to get in contact or just leave things as they are and accept that.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

20pluscounts :

Hello, I am available to assist you. Welcome!

20pluscounts :

Are you available for a live chat?

20pluscounts :

Emotions are not right or wrong they just are and you do have reason to be hurt by this.

20pluscounts :

You have known this friend for five years- not simply just an acquaintance.

20pluscounts :

It's a bit natural that distance can create "distance" in a relationship. Not seeing one another- you get involved in your life where you are, and unfortunately we may drift away from those we care about. It does not mean she cares any less. She may be in a "place" in her life where she's pulled away from friends or loved ones.

20pluscounts :

It is natural for you to be hurt by this, but try to consider it's more about where she's at in her life, verses anything you have done. It hurts all the more when it's a good friend, does not make sense does it?

20pluscounts :

I do believe because of the strong bond you will connect as you have in the past. Because you've know each other so long she may trust that you will just always be there. It is okay and appropriate for you to express how you feel.

20pluscounts :

That is hurtful when she has not contacted you for the baby shower and birth of baby.

20pluscounts :

It's painful to feel rejected by someone you call a friend.

20pluscounts :

It sounds like you have tried your best to contact her, it's disrespectful not to be more upfront with you, and or to get back to you.

20pluscounts :

I think getting out and interacting may be best, XXXXX XXXXX get involved, increase your chances of meeting people.

20pluscounts :

You are both in different places, and maybe at different stages in your life. It is not uncommon for those relationships to drift.

20pluscounts :

Have you expressed your hurt to her?

Customer: No I haven't said anything to her about it as I don't want to seem too pushy or needy
Customer: I realise she may be busy but when I heard
Customer: Everything and she hasn't reply I thought maybe I said something out of place
Customer: But we haven't had an argument so I guess I just don't understand
20pluscounts :

You are experiencing grief and loss with this friend shutting you out. She has hurt you and telling her how this makes you feel may be part of your healing if you decide to let go a bit. That is very hurtful not to be contacted at such a special time in her life- ouch! Try using the "I feel hurt by what is happening, and I'd just like to know if it's anything I did?" something like that-

20pluscounts :

It's very appropriate for you to ask that question, verses being left to fill in the blanks- and guess.

Customer: i guess I'm just feeling very sad that I feel I may be losing my best friend
Customer: so do you think I should ask if there has been anything that has been said or done and confront her
20pluscounts :

In order to know if you should "wait" or move on, may take an honest conversation with her. Anyone would be confused by this- yes very sad. I'm sorry for that loss and sense of rejection. It may be worthwhile to get really honest with her before you decide it's "over". What do you have to lose in being honest- if you lose the friendship it wouldn't be because you were honest- I don't think. Yes I do think you may need to confront her- ask questions.

20pluscounts :

Using the "I feel" can work better than "you never contact me" sort of message.

Customer: do you think this sort of drifting apart is done on her behalf and not being aware of it and just being busy with her life
20pluscounts :

"I'm hurt, feel sad, miss you, just wonder what's up, please let me know if you want to pursue an ongoing friendship" something like that. She would likely read a letter or e mail. Chances are it's more the drifting issue- but disrespectful how she's handling this.

20pluscounts :

Maybe it hasn't registered that you are hurt?? Unless you ask you are left to guess, speculate, feel confused. She can only answer those questions.

Customer: I guess as I really can't think of one thing she could be upset with me about, usally if there is a disagreement or argument I could understand so am baffled by the lack of contact
20pluscounts :

As hard as it may be, be as honest as you can, from the heart- she may "hear" you better that way, and listen. She can not read your mind, nor can you read hers. You need to know either way, and if need be begin to take steps to move on if that is the outcome.

20pluscounts :

Baffled for sure! That is hurtful and unfair to you.

20pluscounts :

Certainly another option is to let it go- in a sense move on- and "hope" she contacts you- but you are then left to wonder and be very confused.

20pluscounts :

It's natural you would be hurt by her lack of contact without an explanation.

20pluscounts :

Do you have any other questions?

20pluscounts :

Please let me know if I can assist you any further. Thank you for your post. Jean

Customer: Thank you so much for your answers, I really just needed to vent and try to clear the situation, I think I will take your advice and send her a message to clarify what is going on and that I haven't heard from her in a long time and hope everything is ok and hope that she replies, do you think it's a good idea to just send a one message and then leave it in her hands then and not contact her further until she makes contact with me?
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Anncody,
Sorry if our live chat was ended before you were finished. Let me know if you have additional questions.
Thank you,
Jean
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
I received an e mail that you posted, but do not see anything additional. Not sure if it didn't post when received by you. If you have comments or questions please post again.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much for your answers, I really just needed to vent and try to clear the situation, I think I will take your advice and send her a message to clarify what is going on and that I haven't heard from her in a long time and hope everything is ok and hope that she replies, do you think it's a good idea to just send a one message and then leave it in her hands then and not contact her further until she makes contact with me?
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Thanks for your reply. I think that is a good idea- send a heartfelt message and then leave it in her hands. I'm sorry, this is difficult, and painful. Not really anything else you can do. You write her a message and she will have to decide how to respond. You may feel powerless in this situation- that's hard for sure.

Take care,
Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
Jean and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
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Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.
Anncody,
Hello! I hope this message finds you doing well. How did your conversation go with your friend? I hope you have more clarification on that one. Let me know if I can help again.
Take Care,
Jean/20pluscounts

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