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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1816
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Im lost. Ive received an email from my husband saying that

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I'm lost. I've received an email from my husband saying that he loves me that he is sorry that we are in this position and whe wants to work it out. I do believe that he wants to work this out but I don't want to end up this way again and he will make commitement he will not keep or either forget and I have to be the bad guy and enforce. The issue is that I don't believe he gets what I've been saying and what I don't want to live with. I WILL give my tone to any person in my home that is obnoxious or needlessly loud, rude in MY home... I'm concerned that he just want to get together because I will be receiving a HUGE bonus and he was counting on those funds. If he really is serious then I don't want to lose him. I feel that we are close to the finish line and then there's a FUMBLE. How should I deal with this? If it is about money, I can pretend my bonus got deferred for months. I would want to have a discussion with him and his daughter and say basically that my husband will be out of our business so don't complain or find somehwere else to live - and to my husband to BUT OUT otherwise he thinks I'm unfair... and it won't work anyhow because after much thought and raising three of my own kids - I like me and I trust me. The big DOG goes NOW and my little dog stays. and so-on but is that healthy? Plus his apology is not about the position he took and how he did not support me. His position is still stubborn, it's saying "hey we got our differences let just work them out." I'm saying "Ya we got our differences and I've compromised in many things to make this work, but I don't want to live with this TYPE of environment or to LIVE with a MAN that ranks me at the same level as his 20 year old daughter. I'd rather live alone." It's interesting, in reading what I wrote, I see no change in my feelings of what i want. I'm not second guessing my position, behavior or feelings. I just know that I don't want this type of environment nor the way he treats me. I don't know if I should bother communicating this ALL OVER AGAIN. He waits until my foot is out the door before he is willing to compromise on anything. I feel that I should just leave or take a break and see how he can mend our relationship if he bothers - I don't know.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra :

Thank you for your question.

Deardebra :

I feel he wants to really work things out but does not even know where to begin.

Deardebra :

I feel that he needs a little guidance and you need to show him exactly what you want in a relationship from him.

Deardebra :

I want you to both sit down and discuss what you both want and need in this marriage.

Deardebra :

I do feel he wants to work this out and I feel you both need to take the steps to work things out.

Deardebra :

You both love each other and that is why you both want to work things out and you both do not want to lose each other.

Deardebra :

I do not feel it is because you are getting a bonus. I feel he loves you and wants to see this work.

Deardebra :

You mentioned that he said you both have differences and some times those differences are what attracts people to each other.

Deardebra :

You have made compromises because of these differences.

Deardebra :

He needs to be more understanding of how you feel and really listen to what you feel is going to help this relationship.

Deardebra :

I think that if you leave or take a break he will push harder to make his relationship work.

Deardebra :

The reason why is because he will get nervous that he is going to lose you and that you no longer want to try.

Deardebra :

You no longer want to live in this environment so things need to change. I would tell him how you feel and if things do not change then you need to tell him that you feel that things can work out but he needs to really try.

Deardebra :

A relationship needs to be 50/50.

Deardebra :

It's not about one person compromising all the time.

Deardebra :

I feel he is afraid to lose you and does not know how to fix things.

Deardebra :

I feel that you both should write down what you both feel needs to change.

Deardebra :

This will help in getting your feelings across. Some times it is hard to say all you need to say so it is easier to express yourself in a letter.

Deardebra :

Ask him to write one as well. It can also be a e-mail.

Deardebra :

I del what you both need is a fresh start together.

Deardebra :

*I feel what you both need is a fresh start.

Deardebra :

You need to both remember the reason why you both started dating. It helps to remember how things once were, even recreating your first date.

Deardebra :

It help jog your memory and brings up good feelings of when you both began to fall in love.

Deardebra :

What happens is life gets in the way.

Deardebra :

When you first start dating you are focused on impressing each other and learning about each other. Then as the relationship gets comfortable things begin to change. When a relationship starts you are both focused on each other. Then as the relationship grows things in life become the focus. Relationships begin to get into a routine.

Deardebra :

You both need to get back to that time where things were new and when they first started. You need a second chance together. You both love each other and want to work things out. I feel this is what you should do work things out.

Deardebra :

Thank you you again for your question.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1816
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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