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Ask Dr. Norman Brown Your Own Question
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1193
Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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I am passionately in love with a man. The passion is mutual

Customer Question

I am passionately in love with a man. The passion is mutual which is rare and Somethinh I've never felt before. I've been damaged in my past and let it affect my relationship with him, it was a constant roller coaster with my finding things wrong and wanting
to run away and even lying which has caused him to lose trust. We separated and in the time of separation I realize I don't want to lose him, without him I'm smiling on the outside and crying on the inside. I'm trying to get him back and make things right
but I need his trust and faith. He loves me and is torn on what is right or wrong, he feels it's a risk with me and he can't take any more heartache. How can I save this and prove myself? Our passion makes the world around us disappear when we are together
and that hasn't changed. I'm doing everything I can. I really love this man. What are your thoughts? Please, anything helps...
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 3 years ago.
The best way to reassure him and to handle yourself so that you have fewer disastrous accidents in your future is to get into psychotherapy with the declared explicit intention of working on those aspects of yourself that sabotage your relationship(s). You have adapted to a problematic preadult development with defensive strategies and a provisional personality that don't work well enough to secure for you the love you fervently want. So it's worth staking your LIFE on getting therpeutic help, and the therapist should 1. know child psychological development very well (so have psychoanalytic or psychodynamic training and experience) and 2. be able to act as a coach for your ongoing repair of your love relationship. "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" is a band-aid method that assumes you can think your way past all misplaced emotional reactions, and that's NOT true. And love relationships are ALL about emotions, so you have to have a therapist that respects emotions as fundamental and not to be eliminated or easily changed. Interview prospective therapists, because MANY will tell you it's a waste of time to go back into the past, and for what's fundamental to you, they are wrong. Even if ALL you've got is Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder they are wrong. {Most grad schools won't teach what your therapist needs to know, but older therapists have often gone way beyond what they were taught, or like older social workers they were taught Freudian-based psychodynamics. Most therapists who are well trained in dream interpretation have psychoanalytic/psychodynamic types of training. If you have to negotiate a lower price than a therapist's standard fee(in private practice usually at least $100/hr) you can sometimes get a significant reduction by committing X$ per month for weekly sessions, or if you don't have enough disposable income to do that, then biweekly sessions and ask for lots of homework so you can work for yourself in between sessions.

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