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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5453
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I have known my husband for 28yrs, and we retired to Spain

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I have known my husband for 28yrs, and we retired to Spain 10yrs ago. He has been bored for most of the time we have been here, so I was pleased when he got 2 days a week work at a charity shop last year, when he was 69. This job, although not paid, took over his life, and some weeks he was working 7 days a week. He became manager eventually, and this really went to his head. He was always lovely to me, but his whole persona changed, I told him I was not happy about him working such long hours there, but, he said he loved it, and would not give it for anybody. Life became intolerable, so I moved out, thinking it would shock him, and he would give it up, or at least cut down. But this backfired on me, so badly, a woman who started at his shop, soon had his attention, and after just 5 weeks of me being away, he was sleeping with her. This lasted for 7 weeks, although I didn't know it at the time. I always thought we would get back together in time, and on one of my visits to our house, I told him this, and he said he wanted me back, and that is when he told me what had happened. I always thought I could never forgive infidelilty, but I still love him. We have tried to forget things, but I keep bringing it up, and we seem to fighting and arguing all the time, but every time I think about them together, it makes my stomach churn. He was the last person on earth I would ever have thought would do this to me, and I don't think I will ever get over it. it is making me ill, I have lost nearly 4st in weight, and my nerves are shattered. I still love him, even now, and would give anything for this not to have happened, but it did. Do you think we have any future, or should I just go and try to get over it? Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX letting me write all this to someone.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

You and your husband do have a future together as long as he is willing to work this through. Many spouses who are in marriage where the partner cheats often feel as if they have to "get over it" and move on, especially when their spouse does not see their own responsibility in helping to repair the marriage. This is something your husband chose to do so he needs to regain your trust and work hard to recover what you had before the job he took and the affair he had. He is the one who chose these things and put them before you and you are the one in pain. This is an imbalance that only he can fix.

Here are some steps he needs to take along with you in order to repair your marriage:

One, is he sorry for what he did? This is important, because if he does not take responsibility, recovering your relationship will be difficult.

Two, has he stopped all contact with this other person? He needs to so as a first step to regaining your trust.

Three, are the two of you talking about what happened? He needs to be open and honest about what happened and let you ask any questions you need to in order to feel safe again.

These are some of the most important issues you both need to be working on. Also, counseling can help. Talk with your doctor about a referral to a therapist. If you attend church, talk with your pastor. Pastors are often good relationship counselors.

The main issue is to rebuild trust. It can take a while and a lot of work, but you can do it as long as you both are motivated.

Here are some books that may help you:

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After
Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli.

You can find these both on Amazon.com or your local library may have them.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Kate


 


Thank you for your reply, but we have been through all the steps you suggest.


 


He is so very sorry for what happened, but says he thought I didn't want him anymore, as I left the house, but it hurts me to know, he waited only 5 weeks before starting this affair, after 28 years together, he never even tried to come to me, to try and get me to come back.


 


He finished with this woman after only 7 weeks, and says it was going nowhere, they were just two lonely people, who met up at the wrong time, she was separated from her husband for about 18 months, when she met my husband.


 


We have talked till we are blue in the face, he has answered all my questions, even the most gory details, which I think may have made things worse, as all I can see in my mind, are the things he told me he did with her. Nothing untoward, but the things most people do when sleeping together, but it still makes my stomach churn, just imaging them lying together naked, holding, kissing, and making love. He is just not the type to have an affair, and I am more than certain he has never cheated on me before. All he keeps saying is that it would never have happened, if I had not left the house, but I am just so hurt, that he waited only 5 weeks, after he was supposed to love me so much, that he embarked on this affair.


 


All our friends and family think I should forgive him, as we were so good together before all this, and he has admitted what happened to everybody, and admits it was the worst mistake of his life, and he is so sorry. But I still feel so betrayed and let down, how do I just let it go? I wish I could have a memory erasure.


 


Thanks.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
I understand. This has been a shock to you, one that turned your world upside down. It will take time and work to forgive and let go. Trust is a huge issue and when that is taken, rebuilding it takes time as well. Try to take little steps at a time. For example, when you think of what happened between your husband and this other person, try asking him for reassurance of his love for you. Take time to do special things that build new memories for the two of you. Take trip, go to dinner somewhere new and special or spend time doing something that brings you closer. And when you experience those bad thoughts, try to recall the good times you have had. And be sure to communicate with your husband when you feel overwhelmed by what happened.

Kate











May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
I hope my answers were helpful to you. If you have any more questions or need clarification, please let me know.

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Kate


 


sorry, I could not open your last reply.


 


Thanks, Cheryl.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Sorry about that. Sometimes there are glitches in the system. Here is my previous reply:

I understand. This has been a shock to you, one that turned your world upside down. It will take time and work to forgive and let go. Trust is a huge issue and when that is taken, rebuilding it takes time as well. Try to take little steps at a time. For example, when you think of what happened between your husband and this other person, try asking him for reassurance of his love for you. Take time to do special things that build new memories for the two of you. Take trip, go to dinner somewhere new and special or spend time doing something that brings you closer. And when you experience those bad thoughts, try to recall the good times you have had. And be sure to communicate with your husband when you feel overwhelmed by what happened.

Kate











May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Kate


 


Hello again, did you get my reply about him blaming me for arguing with him when I have been drinking, I think I forgot to put Kate first.


 


Sorry, Cheryl.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
No I'm sorry but I did not receive that reply. Is it ok to try to post it again?

Kate
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Kate


 


Don't know where to find it.


 


Cheryl.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Can you give me an idea of what you might have said in response to my reply?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Kate


 


I was just saying that this has now been going on for over 12 months, he couldn't be more sorry, and showers me with love and affection, we have been away twice together, he takes me out, nothing is too much trouble for him, and I know he loves me, but I do still keep bringing it up, I don't know if I am trying to hurt him, to try and make him feel some of the pain I feel, but I know he is getting so fed up with my accusations and questions, he has now turned the tables on me saying it is because I drink, we end up arguing, but although I like a drink, I do not have a problem with it, and it is not only when I drink we argue.


 


I just can't make him realise how much he has hurt me, he just is not the type to cheat on me, and that is what I cannot get over more than anything, I thought I knew him, but it turns out I didn't.


 


This occupies my every waking hour, and I can't sleep, as these thoughts just won't let me sleep.


 


I do love him, but I think I must be on self destruct, as I just keep bringing it up, and I know, he will just get so fed up, that he will end up leaving for good, and I don't think I could cope without him.


 


Cheryl.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Cheryl,

It sounds like the affair has become a focus for you and that letting go of what happened is difficult. It may be that you need to spend time mourning the way your marriage was before. You need to grieve the loss and let go in order to move on. That is not easy work to do and many people try to avoid it. It helps to acknowledge that things will not be the same between you both but it can be better now that you have gone through this trial in your marriage. And try reading some of the books I recommended. They can help you feel less alone in what you feel and can also help you move on. And if you think you might be unable to deal with what you feel, try talking to a counselor. There may be a past issue that is contributing to what you feel right now and that is preventing you from moving on.

Kate










Please don't forget to rate my service as OK or higher so I am credited for my answers. Thanks so much!
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5453
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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