Hello, I'd like to help you with your question. You and your husband do have a future together as long as he is willing to work this through. Many spouses who are in marriage where the partner cheats often feel as if they have to "get over it" and move on, especially when their spouse does not see their own responsibility in helping to repair the marriage. This is something your husband chose to do so he needs to regain your trust and work hard to recover what you had before the job he took and the affair he had. He is the one who chose these things and put them before you and you are the one in pain. This is an imbalance that only he can fix. Here are some steps he needs to take along with you in order to repair your marriage: One, is he sorry for what he did? This is important, because if he does not take responsibility, recovering your relationship will be difficult. Two, has he stopped all contact with this other person? He needs to so as a first step to regaining your trust. Three, are the two of you talking about what happened? He needs to be open and honest about what happened and let you ask any questions you need to in order to feel safe again. These are some of the most important issues you both need to be working on. Also, counseling can help. Talk with your doctor about a referral to a therapist. If you attend church, talk with your pastor. Pastors are often good relationship counselors. The main issue is to rebuild trust. It can take a while and a lot of work, but you can do it as long as you both are motivated. Here are some books that may help you: Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman. Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli. You can find these both on Amazon.com or your local library may have them. I hope this has helped you, Kate
Thank you for your reply, but we have been through all the steps you suggest.
He is so very sorry for what happened, but says he thought I didn't want him anymore, as I left the house, but it hurts me to know, he waited only 5 weeks before starting this affair, after 28 years together, he never even tried to come to me, to try and get me to come back.
He finished with this woman after only 7 weeks, and says it was going nowhere, they were just two lonely people, who met up at the wrong time, she was separated from her husband for about 18 months, when she met my husband.
We have talked till we are blue in the face, he has answered all my questions, even the most gory details, which I think may have made things worse, as all I can see in my mind, are the things he told me he did with her. Nothing untoward, but the things most people do when sleeping together, but it still makes my stomach churn, just imaging them lying together naked, holding, kissing, and making love. He is just not the type to have an affair, and I am more than certain he has never cheated on me before. All he keeps saying is that it would never have happened, if I had not left the house, but I am just so hurt, that he waited only 5 weeks, after he was supposed to love me so much, that he embarked on this affair.
All our friends and family think I should forgive him, as we were so good together before all this, and he has admitted what happened to everybody, and admits it was the worst mistake of his life, and he is so sorry. But I still feel so betrayed and let down, how do I just let it go? I wish I could have a memory erasure.
sorry, I could not open your last reply.
Hello again, did you get my reply about him blaming me for arguing with him when I have been drinking, I think I forgot to put Kate first.
Don't know where to find it.
I was just saying that this has now been going on for over 12 months, he couldn't be more sorry, and showers me with love and affection, we have been away twice together, he takes me out, nothing is too much trouble for him, and I know he loves me, but I do still keep bringing it up, I don't know if I am trying to hurt him, to try and make him feel some of the pain I feel, but I know he is getting so fed up with my accusations and questions, he has now turned the tables on me saying it is because I drink, we end up arguing, but although I like a drink, I do not have a problem with it, and it is not only when I drink we argue.
I just can't make him realise how much he has hurt me, he just is not the type to cheat on me, and that is what I cannot get over more than anything, I thought I knew him, but it turns out I didn't.
This occupies my every waking hour, and I can't sleep, as these thoughts just won't let me sleep.
I do love him, but I think I must be on self destruct, as I just keep bringing it up, and I know, he will just get so fed up, that he will end up leaving for good, and I don't think I could cope without him.