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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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Ive had enough of my husband and his controlling mother. We

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I've had enough of my husband and his controlling mother. We are an asian family and it is the norm for the wife to move in with her husbands family upon marriage. From the word go it has been a nightmare, over the last 15 years I have tried everything to fit in with them, not once have they tried to fit in with me, even to the point where I have stopped seeing my family to please his mum and to keep her mouth shut as my head can't cope with her constant nagging. My father in law, bless him, died just over 5 years ago, he's the only one that understood as my mother in law nagged him to death as well, at least he got out!! He used to advise me to hang on in and gave me so much moral support, but now he's gone. My husband is just as bad as my MIL, controlling and complaining about me all the time, mostly to her, which doesn't help my relationship with her, particularly as we all live in the same house. No matter how hard I try it's never enough and I never get thanked; even when proved wrong my husband and his family will never apologise. I've reached the point where i feel like I can't try anymore, I can't even speak to my husband about it as he will go running straight to his mother and then they will gang up on me AGAIN!! My parents have told me to leave him so many times and I've still tried to stick it out and make it work. In my husband eyes nothing is wrong other than I'm too fat, don't look after myself, and was never a suitable match for him. It's all me, me, me. The fact that I spend all day looking after his family and going to work and doing all the housework, which nobody helps me with by the way, is not enough of a good anough reason, "100's of other girl do it, what make's you so special?" I have only stuck it out as long as I have because of my boys now 13 and 9, but even my eldest son has started to comment on their behaviour towards me and even he wants to move out. The younger 1 is too little to understand yet and will talk if i say anything in front of him, he does however ask me why I'm always in the kitchen. I feel like a slave in that house, at everyones beck and call, particularly his mothers. I so desperately want to get out and taste freedom, did I tell you that I have to account for every minute I'm out of the house, I'm not allowed to be late otherwise all hell breaks loose. I want to leave with my sons, I have seen somewhere that we can go that I can easily afford and certainly cope better with than what I do at the moment. My concern is keeping hold of my sons after I go, as I know my husband will come looking for us, and i've been at the end of his anger many a time if you know what I mean! My family are 100% behind me and I know that once I cross that fence they will gather forces against my husband and help me through it all. So why am I still hesitating?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm deeply sorry for what you're going through. You DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. It is not right nor acceptable. I have worked for several years with women from minority ethnic communities and have some understanding of how difficult these circumstances can be - particularly when children are involved.

If you have decided in your mind that you've had enough, then what is stopping you? Perhaps it is cultural related? Perhaps it is confidence of going it alone? Believe me when I say, that you CAN do this, it will not be a bed of roses but you will not feel like a slave nor unappreciated any longer. Your boys will hopefully understand and support your decision as it can't be easy for them to see you like this and to be treated this way.

You have to be strong and find a way to begin planning your new start in life. Your father in law probably would have not been able to tolerate how you are being treated for so long and you've nothing to prove to any community or family members - this is about you and your boys - that's it.

It's great that you have some support agency/support network lined up or a way of getting out. One suggestion if I may make, is ensure you have access to yours and your sons passports. Keep copies if necessary but try and make sure you have their passports and birth certificates (including your own), keep it at your parents house if necessary. Your husband/mother in law will try possibly anything to prevent you leaving so bear this in mind.

You need to make the decision to go first and then everything else will gradually fall into place - you have dealt with this family for this long - surely you can see how STRONG you really are and have such inner strength to deal with such difficult personalities already? I hope you can see that you deserve to be happy and not have to put up with this a minute longer. Plan what it is you feel you would like to do, think about some of the practical issues and perhaps go seek some legal advice (a free consultation with a family solicitor, or perhaps you could use the just answer UK legal team), but don't sit and worry about what hasn't happened yet - do though, plan your next moves.

There are services out there for Asian women to support your decision to leave and offer you free counselling - for example if you were in London area, there are two great services that I'm very aware of:

http://www.asianwomencentre.org.uk/
http://www.nawp.org/

You can find such services by putting in the search into the Internet (Asian women's services) and put in your particular area and local services should come up. You could even contact one of the above services and ask their advice over the phone. My absolute best to you, I shall keep you in my thoughts.

I do hope this is helping, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin

Customer: replied 1 year ago.


This is it, I feel so stuck in a rut and I need to get out and I want to, I suppose it's just taking that step. I know that they will never know that something is wrong unless I take some sort of action. Financially I am in a position to look after myself and my sons without too much hassle. I am a professional woman, I am the Head of Art at a local High School. The person I am at home is totally different from the one at school. At school I'm in control, the kids do what I want, at home the roles are reversed and I am told that I am stupid and don't know how to look after my sons properly. If we run out of anything at home I get it in the neck, I do the grocery shopping and the cooking so why didn't I know it was about to run out. Is it the end of he world?! Back in February my MIL was in an accident where someone had run over her foot,she was quite badly injured and still hasn't fully recovered. On that same day my husband argued with me over a letter which I had put to the side to dispose of which had my MIL's personal details on. He went mad practically shoving the letter in my face saying "Do you know how much this info is worth ?" All because when he asked me what it was I just said in an off hand way, "Oh, it's nothing." He went mad, "What do you mean it's nothing?!" He wouldn't allow me to explain that it was just a comment and yes I knew that the letter was important that I would get rid of it properly, I do that kind of stuff everday. He lost his temper and our argument became a scuffle, for once I stood up for myself and fought back, which took him by surprise. Later he said that the reason why he wouldn't let go of me was because I was the one out of control! Can you believe it?! Anyhow, on that day my MIL had her accident, my eldest son called it Karma! Due to the accident I became my MIL's main carer, on top of everything else that I did, people helped out every now and then but mostly it was me. I even slept in the same room as her for 4 months in case she needed anything and have only just gone back to sleeping with my husband about 2 week ago. My day would begin at 4.30 and finish at 11pm, after I had seen to everyones needs and put in a full day at work along with all the responsibilities that that entails, but at least that's a break away from this lot. It's like they want me to be super human. I think that it was the responsibility of the accident that finally cracked me, I asked so many times for help and I was told to organise myself better. About a week ago, my youngets sons school trousers were a little to high and again, the usual rubbish, mother and on complaining, putting me down, in front of my kids of course. At the end of it my mother in law said, "When my grandsons get married I'm not going to bring home for them wives like her!" I couldn't believe what I had just heard, after everything that I had done for over the last 4 months, even coming home at lunch times to check on her and feed her as my school is only 5 mins away from home, she still said that about me. It was me that looked after her, not her daughters, not her son, ME!! How could she be so ungrateful. I'm not expecting massive thank yous but being nice to me wouldn't kill her. Don't get me wrong, they're not always like this but there is a negative comment everyday without fail. Before I used to let it wash over me but now it angers me. Like I said, they're not going to change, I should really leave them to get on with their own lives and lets see how they manage when they haven't got me running around after them all the time.

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there M,

Thank you for the additional information, you have been through so much already. :(
If you REALLY feel this is it now, then you need to begin thinking this through one step at a time. If you felt that there could be any chance that you could get your husband to couples counselling - then perhaps he could understand exactly how you're feeling - however you sound very adamant that you are not going to be able to change how he sees you or understand how hurtful their words and actions have been, so there is little choice.

Your older son is beginning to feel anger too, towards her so clearly he is seeing and understanding that her behaviour towards you is not acceptable.

You are an intelligent and competent woman heading up a department at a school, this indicates to me that you CAN do this. You have dealt with many challenges I'm sure - both at work and many many at home, so please don't feel that you are not able to do this.

Look after yourself and your sons will too, be taken care of by you. Your mother in law and husband do not treat you as a human being, it sounds more like they see you as someone there simply to provide for them and be at their beck and call - you can begin to live YOUR life how you wish to and with people that care about you - utilise the support that you do have around you. I know you're hurt, angry and at the end of your patience with them but try and keep a calm mind so that you can start sorting things out for yourself. My best to you.

If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi M,

Thank you for rating my service positively, it is very much appreciated.

Please do let me know if I can be of further help in the future, if you have new questions and would like to return to me, please open a new page and ask your question, please ensure you add "For Karin" at the start of your question and I will do my very best to help and support you.

Take care, my best wishes to you, I will keep you in my thoughts.

Karin
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks Karin, You helped to put things into perspective. You kind of told me what I already knew that I had to do, maybe I just needed somebody to sound it out to. I already have a plan of action in my head and me and my son have already been out to look at an appartment that we can rent on a temporary basis while I get myself sorted. I will definately look at those links that you sent. If it was just me I would have left ages ago b ut I kept at it for the sake of my sons, but now I'm going to put myself 1st for a change. My sons are coming with me, I'm not leaving them there so that they can start to poison them also. I'm ready to stand upto them, they don't know whats coming. I hope I have the strength to see this through to the end. Thanks again for all your advice, I really appreciate it. Mandeep

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
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Karin Samms
Karin Samms
Counselor
299 Satisfied Customers
with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues