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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi in lived with a girl for about 18 months. We never really

Resolved Question:

Hi in lived with a girl for about 18 months. We never really ever got along and always argued. Sue was abusive ans very aggresive and always looking for a physical altercation. She had an issue with alcohol and I have my own demons. I have p.t.s.d. well after months 9f being unhappy I decided to move and a month later she got evicted. I let her stay with me and the relationship between was a lot better for us. We mafe love a few times. only twice when I lived with her. And all seemed well. Though we did get into it a couple of times. Ieven though i cared for her i was glad when I got away from her but I realize later that I was in love with her. She means a lot to me and I do to her. She has stated this to me also. I was goin to ask her to live in with me permanently in my new apartment but then she started seeing this guy who she has some weird facsination for. He has nothing going for him. No job. No home. He lives with his mom. And hes only 27. Shes 33 and im 42. I think ive lost her for good. I do everything for her. Pay her bills. When she needs do things for her . Almost always comin to her rescue when shes in trouble. And shes always saying she loves me and cares for me. Maybe I wasnt really clear nto her about how I really feel. Maybe I should really t ell her. The guy she sees I dont like and they both know it. She sometimes lies about it or isnt all the way truthful but still I know she has some feelings for me. W hat do I do. Is all lost? PeaSe help me!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about your situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you describe here shows that your relationship did not evolved into a truly healthy and fulfilling experience, because of her abusive ways, and other behaviors, which do not seem to show she really respected you nor wanted to commit to building something solid together as a couple.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please clarify that what you meant is that you have been and continue to pay her bills regardless of the abuse and the fact that she is currently dating this other person?

Customer:

I think that maybe she d9es. She always says thinys like "when are we ge5ting married?" Or do you think y9u could live life with me? What ami t9o thinl?

Customer:

Well she stayes here for free. We have made l I ve a few times. I pretty much take care of her.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

A person could say very nice and hopeful words about something, reality or the future, but it is through her concrete actions in time that she actually shows what's in her heart and mind. Thus if a person says how much she loves you and more, but keep abusing you, words should nto be taken as reality but as means of manipulation, once abuse is incompatible with any form of caring, there is not even respect, even less real affection for building a mature and fulfilling adult relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry, but is this about a person with a disability?

Customer:

She suffers from trauma. Has a cuople of other issues. But so do I.

Customer:

But at times its like were best of friends. And we make love at times.

Customer:

She even does things for ke . Not big things like I do for her but little things th slat mean a lot to me.aa

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you are not in a committed relationship, she has been abusing and now dating another man, it seems that she is obviously using you as a source of financial and material support, and perhaps codependency is a core issue here leading you to enable and perpetuate this dependency, empowering a relationship that seems to be far away from what you need and expect, once you have stated you do not approve abuse, nor feel fine with non-exclusive relationships, but continue to "take care|" of this other young adult.

Customer:

What do I do. I dont wanna lose her .

Customer:

I dont want heron the street.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Well, it all depends on your core expectations and needs. If you feel happy with this situation the way it is, you could just keep going but very aware of every challenge and consequence it implies. Most times people presenting her behaviors would do as much as possible to keep all the benefits they get from another person in your shoes. Again, if you do not want to lose this reality, where you are her source of unconditional financial and material support, willing to continue to take abuse, and these dynamics where she does have other people in her life while staying there, then you would just have to keep doing the same. But if you do not want that anymore, you would have to reassess the soundness of your core values, expectations and the way you shape relationships, focusing on making necessary changes in yourself in order to create and promote healthy and more fulfilling relationships.

Customer:

I should tell her that this whole thing isnt working out then , huh?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you feel it is not what you want and need from a relationship, then for sure that would be the approach to take.

Customer:

I hate to do it but I think your right. I needto sever this thing but im goin to feel so guilty .

Customer:

How long will this guilt last me 9f I do this.

Customer:

B e cause I will feel it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In most cases, a scenario like the one you depicted shows emotional, verbal and financial abuse, where one person uses, abuses, neglects and manipulates another. These issues between adults do ahppen based on codependency and use to be very unhealthy, and every form of abuse is enable, allowed and perpetuated by the other adult allowing it.

Customer:

What should I do if I find myself doin this aGain?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you may have serious codependency issues that you need to address, that's why you feel guilty about doing something that seems obviously necessary and healthy, for you to respect and take gootd care of yourself, without allowing anybody to use and abuse you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Look for professional individual psychotherapy and for a support group for codependency, committing to both.

Customer:

Ok doc thank you. And wish me luck. im goin to resolve this t9xay or tommorow thank y9u.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. I support you and hope you take truly good care of yourself and consistent action about this serious issue.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Customer:

Ok bye

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Bye

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You could try rating now to close the session. Thanks.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach