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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I have currently been with my girlfriend for just over 6 years.

Resolved Question:

I have currently been with my girlfriend for just over 6 years. This past September she started filling in at a new work location and on October 3rd she told me she wanted a break. For about a year to a year and a half we fought constantly and I drifted from her sexually but never stopped loving her. She thought I was cheating on her and thought that was why I did not want to touch her and kiss her as much. Truth was she was just being mean and I didnt want to. We ended up gettnig back together the end of October, but I always felt like she did something.

Fast forward to February I went out and made a terrible mistake and cheated on her with a stripper. I admitted to her a month later and she was hurt. I had to tell her as I tested positive for Chlamydia. (I notice symptoms in December, which really shows it most likely came from my girlfreind.)

Now my girlfriend finally admitted to me on June 2nd that she did in fact have a one night stand with a co-worker she met at her new job location in October. She swears she did not break up with me because of him. She told me she cried occasionally at work over me and talked to him about me. He texted her one night while she was out and she agreed to hang out with him. They went to his house and ended up having sex within 30 minutes. I started calling her phone non-stop because I felt something was wrong. During this "break" we did text and keep in contact. She said she just needed time apart. She told me that once I called her the first time that night while she was there she freaked and made hmi drive her home. She said she was scared and devastated over what she had done.

I am trying to forgive this as I also made a mistake. I know cheating is cheating, but hers seems a bit worse as she knew what would happen if she went to his house.

I dont know what to do. She swears this was the only time she was ever with another guy in our 6 years and 3 months together. I love her, but I cant get this out of my head.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

It seems as if your relationship started to deteriorate some time ago when you began to lose your desire for her, as a result of constant bickering. The relationship was already failing, and inevitably you both cheated on each other. Each of you have admitted to one affair. You only admitted because you had to because of the STD, which could have come from the stripper.

It seems that you feel that what she had done is worse than what you had done, but as an independent professional observer, they seem equal to me, and it is a mistake for you to try to take the relative moral high ground.

If you want to continue this relationship, if you truly love each other, then you will have to start with mutual forgiveness. If you truly love her, then you must find all of the grace in your heart to give her what she needs, and that is for you to move on.

She must do the same for you. You must forgive and never bring it up again.

Now, we have to discuss the fact that this obsessive thought remains stuck in your mind and keeps haunting you.

There are techniques for thought stopping that really work. Rather than to give you a 10,000 word treatise on the the subject, let me recommend a wonderful book that can explain you much more succinctly on just how to do this and rid yourself of these thoughts:

Product Details

Thoughts and Feelings: Taking Control of Your Moods and Your Life by Matthew McKay PhD, XXXXX XXXXX PhD and Patrick Fanning



I would also strongly recommend a book about couples communication. This is the best book on the subject, bar none, for married and dating couples who are serious about establishing a good and honest relationship (and who wouldn't?).


Product Details

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert... by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver

 

I believe that the first step is to stop holding on to these thoughts in conversation and cease talking about what happened. It is done and in the past, and talking about it is like stirring up a cool clear spring: you stir up all the silt and muddy the water.

 

Purchase those two books and work on yourselves and on each other.

 

I wish you great success in restoring this relationship and to that end I shall keep you in my prayers.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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