I believe that the first step is to stop holding on to these thoughts in conversation and cease talking about what happened. It is done and in the past, and talking about it is like stirring up a cool clear spring: you stir up all the silt and muddy the water.
Purchase those two books and work on yourselves and on each other.
I wish you great success in restoring this relationship and to that end I shall keep you in my prayers.
Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC