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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Breakup

Customer Question

Hi,


 


I would like to keep this confidential on the website, if possible.


 


My ex and I have known each other from college. We started dating around Oct 2012. Things were going well, but he was the one always moving the relationship forward. Then when I started reciprocating more than usual, he got scared and broke up with me in Jan 2013. Then after 2 weeks of not talking, he contacted me again and we started talking. We started dating again in March and things were going great. Then around May, I became extremely stressed about some academic and career things in my life and I started distancing myself. He was impatient and we would get into little quarrels and fights frequently. Then I proposed that we break up, but every time we would try to implement it, it wouldn't stick because neither of us wanted to break up. So we decided that I would visit him and we could talk about it together. During the time that I visited him, things were going great and he found out that he would have to go to the UK for work for 2 to 6 months depending on the project. This would make the distance between us even farther and we would put us in different time zones. Once he found out about this, he broke up with me. He gave me multiple reasons. He said that the distance would put even more strain on our relationship than there already is and he doesn't want that to happen because he does not want us to resent each other for anything. He also said that this could be a big opportunity for his career and since it is the first time he is leaving the country, he wants to do it independently so he can think about what he wants out of his life. He said he wants us to talk while he is there and that he doesn't want to lose me and promises he will be back. He says he sees himself marrying me (which is something he has always said) but just doesn't want our long distance relationship to get in the way of either of our careers since we are both driven people. He says its not about other girls for him, and hes not interested in seeing other people (although I'm sure he is intrigued by the idea of having his independence in a foreign and new country). Since that happened I tried to talk to him about how we could both try to make it work, especially since we might be in the same city 6 months from now. Obviously this did not work and he wants to continue thinking about it and wants to take his time to decide what he wants. So I told him I need my space. I have not talked to him for 4 days now. He has texted me a few times already, once asking if hes losing me forever because he doesnt want that. I replied by saying, I need my space right now and we can talk about it later. Then yesterday night I sent him an email about some of the things I think about him in a very objective way. He called me because he said it made him tear up and asked if we could fall asleep on skype together. We did that and he looked at me the same way that he always did and I could still see in his eyes that his feelings for me are still there. Now we are not talking again. He is very sensitive and it is hard for him to truly open up to someone. Once he senses that he is going to get hurt, he shuts off his emotions to protect himself. This is what he did when he thought I might break up with him. And this UK opportunity was the perfect way to do it because he now has something to look forward to. Because before he found out about me potentially breaking up with him, he was ready to make thigns work if he got the UK opportunity and was excited about flying me in to visit him. I would like some help deciding what to do. I really do want to try to make things work with him, but I also do not want to get hurt further. Now I am questioning how much he actually wants to be with me and I am afraid once he goes to the UK, I may lose him forever. In his mind, I have always been the girl who he wants to marry and recently he has been saying how he almost wishes we had met a year or two down the road. We are both 25 right now. I get the feeling that he just wants to save me for later, if he still wants me then. He says he is still in love with me and couldn't stand the thought of losing me. This feels like the time he broke up with me in January because he got scared-but then he came back once I gave him and myself 2 weeks of space with no contact. Should I do the same again? I am tired of going through that again. I don't know how to try making this work right now. I feel like I instigated all of this and just want to find a way to be with him. But should I try and if so, how? Should I stop talking to him altogether? Should I stay friends with him while he is gone? Which would be more effective?

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

When we are finished I can notify the JustAnswer administration to make this chat private. I cannot until we are done because I will not be able to access it to work with you.

You two do not have a very steady or mature relationship; both of you seem insecure, but your boy friend more so.

I believe that he is afraid of letting you go unless he finds someone else.

He will have ample opportunity in the UK to have relationships with women, probably more so than in the US, and certainly outside of your closer scrutiny.

If this was a solid relationship without a history of ups and downs, breakups, and reconciliationas, I would be more optimistic about the future outcome.

You have an all or none attitude (stop talking to him altogether because he is gone or stay friends with him).

I think that you will both prosper best if you mutually agree to break up and allow each other to freedom to live your lives without a commitment to something so tenuous as this. This does not mean that you cannot be friends, but that friendship should not become a constant long-distance relationship with hours each day on the phone or on skype. Rather an occasional email to say hello.

In the meanwhile, it is important for you to get out there and date other men. It will give you a better perspective, not make you feel dependent, and may allow you to experience a relationship that is not so interdependent and insecure.

He may want to "save you for later" but that means "if something else doesn't come along".

You can't save people for later like that, because what may come between now and later is either a better relationship, or a series of other failed relationships because he is insecure and indecisive.

As you describe it, this relationship is not one that was made in heaven and does not have great prospects, as you describe it to me.

Let me recommend a book that might inspire you:


Product Details

Single.ology 101: 8 Basic Steps to Enjoying the Single Life by Stephanie Danine Singleton



and one other book that will also give you a lot of positive perspective of life ahead:


Product Details

The Improvised Woman: Single Women Reinventing Single Life by Marcelle Clements

I hope that my assessment has helped you.

 

I recommend the books as well.

 

I shall keep you in my prayers for guidance in making the best decision in the long run.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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