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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1820
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I would like to know about the guy I love. He was born on 5th

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I would like to know about the guy I love. He was born on 5th September 1960 and I was born 27th October 1964.I've known him for years as a friend but 2 years ago our feelings changed.I'm single since a year and a half ago and I am happily living with my adult children. He too is single with an adult daughter. What do you think? Will this relationship continue. I feel he may be scared of commitment. There's smtg that blocks him.I just want to spend more time together....Does he really love me? D
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Deardebra : Thank you for your question.
Customer:

I hope you can help

Deardebra : You feel he is afraid of commitment but it just might be that he is settled and is scared to be in a relationship where he might get his heart broken. So I feel he is taking things slow.
Deardebra : He wants to make sure that you want to be with him. He needs to be reassured that you care about him.
Customer:

but when you love somebody you want to be together

Customer:

Ido that too often

Deardebra : i feel in this relationship you want to start by building trust because I feel this could be why he is not making a commitment.
Deardebra : i would ask to spend more time with him so you can form a connection.
Customer:

that's what i always ask for but he has so many commitments

Customer:

he's the direcor responsibile of a basketball school

Deardebra : Yes, when you love someone you do want to be with them unless your afraid to get close to someone out of fear if losing the person. People some times back away when they care about someone out of fear of that one day they might get their heart broken. But what they do not realize is once a connection is formed they often realize that they can't live without the person.
Deardebra : He has a busy life so it is hard for him to make time, but
Deardebra : But what you need to say is that you understand that he is busy but that you enjoy spending time with him.
Customer:

I did that

Customer:

he said he said he's sorry

Customer:

that it's this way

Deardebra : I would have him set up days that he was free so you both can spend extra time together.
Customer:

I'm scared of everything now

Customer:

last Mon I wrote to him telling him

Deardebra : I don't want you to be scared. Relationships take time to build.
Deardebra : people often become attached to one another the more they are in their lives.
Customer:

I know that as you told me when you're not well you close up but even I'm not too well and I would have preferred to be next to you even just holding your hand

Deardebra : you have know each other for awhile as friends. Now you both realized that you live each other.
Customer:

but after that text he answered

Customer:

he said I am tired of hearing you say the same things. I know how a relationship should be. Evidently I either do not love you enough or else I'm not yet ready for a relationship. Try to be patient or let's just stop here

Customer:

Try to be patient if you love me and as you have always showed me

Customer:

sorry these were his words

Customer:

if you love me as you say and as you have always showed me, be patient or let's just stop here

Deardebra : I see he is a Virgo by the date he was born and virgos can be very hard to read. They are often very driven and put work and career first. Often times people would feel like they came second in a relationship with a Virgo. So he wants the relationship to be at slow pace.
Customer:

I answered I have alwaysbeen patient and you know it

Deardebra : it is almost like he wants things to come natural and not be forced.
Deardebra : He does not want to be pressured but he needs to think of your feelings as well.
Customer:

so how should I act be distant.After he wrote that, in the evening he called me as though nothing happened

Deardebra : The reason why he acted like nothing happen was because he felt bad so he called to make sure you were not upset or leaving. I think he panic that he might have changed things by what he said. But I feel he should chase you now.
Customer:

I thought of just starting to go out more and not stay home waiting for him to call

Customer:

it's hard but I must. He must see that other men look at me

Deardebra : I think if you go out more i think he will get worried that you might find someone else. I feel right now he knows your home waiting for you so he knows that if he calls you will be there. I feel he needs more of a challenge. If he thinks your not waiting for him, you might see him making more plans with you.
Customer:

so is it good that I go out so that he will start worrying

Customer:

or will he think that I don't love him anymore

Deardebra : I do think you need to be more of a challenge too him. I feel he knows you are there, so I feel he isn't making the effort he should. He should be chasing you and trying to impress you. I feel he is to comfortable thinking you will always be there when he calls.
Deardebra : I think he will chase you, I don't think he will think you don't love him. I think he will feel that he needs to make more time for you or your going to go out on your own.
Customer:

But do you think he really loves me and will eventually decide what I really am to him

Deardebra : I do feel he loves you.
Deardebra : i just feel like he doesn't want to be pressured, but he has to think of you. I feel he will see what you mean too him if he sees you change by not waiting around for him to call.
Deardebra : People get worried if they think they might lose someone they love they try harder to get their attention.
Customer:

let's hope it will work out....on Sat is my feast day and he always thinks of me and gives me a gift.I will not accept to meet him for a few minutes,,,and will say that I have made plans for the evening and if he wants he can join us

Deardebra : Thats a good idea and that is very thoughtful that he always gets you a gift. I think that will show him that his message was clear and that you are no longer going to wait for him to call you are going to make plans and if he wants he can come with you.
Customer:

Thank you!!!!

Deardebra : You welcome
Customer:

But one last thing, when will he decide and introduce me to his friends as his girlfriend and not just a friend?

Deardebra : He will do that when he gets more comfortable in the relationship. Right now he has protective walls up but he is just going to realize that he needs to make some changes in order for you to stay.
Customer:

Thank you!!!!!hope it won't take months

Deardebra : You welcome and I feel it won't take long if you show him that he needs to open up and let you into his life.
Customer:

so it will not be soon?I'm tired of waiting for him to decide what our relationship is

Customer:

it's things i've always told him

Customer:

to open up,

Deardebra : I do feel it will be soon when he sees you are not going to be waiting.
Customer:

cause i felt i meant nothing

Customer:

he sid that i'm in his life and that i'm important

Deardebra : I think that he knows if he says you are his girlfriend then it makes it real and he is afraid.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1820
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

To dear XXXXX only....


Hi just wanted to ask what you think of the situation...


Yesterday was my feast day and the guy I love sent me a text at midnight wishing me a happy feast and that I should be made a saint for the life I conduct and even because I endure him. Then he called me in the morning...then came home with a present and 2 red roses from his garden. I was over the moon.Made coffee and my 20 year old daughter came to greet him, they talked a little as she's a pianist. Anyway it was great! After he left my daughter decided she wanted to make pizza and asked if I'd like to invite him and some other friends. As I knew he was busy I was quite reluctant, but sent him an sms and he said he would confirm later. Well to put t short there was a misunderstanding as when he called and said he could make it at about 9.30pm, I said not to worry if he couldn't make it cause my younger son was going out but didn't explain well cause the match was about to start so we cut. Honestly I had understood that he would have called. So at 10.15pm texted him saying that they had waited for him up to now and I was going out in an hour dancing with friends.He answered that he was home and had understood that it was called off and to enjoy myself dancing.I then called him and he was immediately nervous cause I said that he would have called after the match. Anyway I then managed to make him see sense that it was just a misunderstanding and that it was my fault too for not calling him. Well honestly we talked again today but I saw him sort of distant again.Why does he do that? I would love to see him even for a few mins today but would not dare stress him cause I don't know what were hi plans for today. Is all ok? Please tell me

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
Everything is ok. I see a pattern of what is going on. He puts his heart out there with the roses from the garden and a present. Tells you how he feels then gets nervous and backs away. Coming over for pizza was too much for him and I think he gets uncomfortable. I feel he always needs to be in control and when he feels vulnerable he backs away. He is afraid of just letting go and falling in love. He is scared to open his heart to let you in so he just goes back to his comfortable life. He does open up which is good he is not afraid to tell you how he feels about you on your feast day. It was good to show him you were not going to wait that you were going out dancing. I am sure he was surprised you weren't staying in. I would let him come too you a little bit. I feel he needs to feel in control of the relationship. I think if you don't ask to see him. He will ask to see you. He will get worried that you stopped trying due to disappointment.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

For Deardebra only..... But honestly do you see us together?Will he open more with me?I love him I know it, I'm ready to be patient but I don't want to get hurt either....I'm dying to text him later with some excuse...such as is Antonio's open this evening (he's the guy that works at a restaurant who he knows) as we planned to have a pizza there with 2 students of mine....

Or should I just play it cool?I explained this morning that I didn't enjoy myself at all last night and left after an hour cause felt out of place, not the right music for me to dance and the people there seemed as though all they wanted to find a partner. Then I even explained about a friend of mine who found out she has breast cancer. Infact I explained how grateful we shoud be and that life is short and we must appreciate moments of happiness( didn't tell him that it was happiness i felt when he came over yesterday)

 

Please answer

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I do see you both together but the relationship is in the growing stages. It is starting off slow and I feel it will blossom into something amazing. The minute he drops his guard and let's you in. I want you to be honest with him so he understand who you are as a person. But I also want you to listen to what he is saying. I feel little things he says could help in figuring out how he feels. People can't help it to express their feelings if they are upset. So if he gets upset with say you going out then you know he's a jealous person. If he says have a good time he is secure in the relationship and trust you which is good. He's self confident in the relationship.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1820
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

For Deardebra...


 



I know I am driving you crazy but please please do tell me if I should really believe in this relationship if it is one. Will he change and try to include me or will it always be the same, his commitments first? I have patience but only if he puts some time aside for me.


 

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

For Deardebra...


 



I know I am driving you crazy but please please do tell me if I should really believe in this relationship if it is one. I feel good with him, he makes me laugh and when he's not well I just want to be with him.Will he change and try to include me with some of his activities or will it always be the same, his commitments first? I have patience but only if he puts some time aside for us. Please let me know. You said that he's taking time cause he wants to be sure, but it will blossom...will that take months or will it be soon?


 

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I see him making progress and trying to make the time for you. Meeting you for pizza was a big surprise fro you and that was very thoughtful. This shows me he cares about you very much. He is also very thoughtful and I see that by the presents. This is how he show also surprise you his love. He likes to give you things and that is what makes him happy seeing you happy. I see his love for you and he expresses his love in different ways. I feel he will include you more and I see things changing already. I feel like he needs to be himself and keep opening up. It seems like he needs to work at his own pace and not be pushed. I feel he likes to be the one to take control of the relationship and when he is pushed he backs away. I think he needs to be in control so let him chase you. I feel that him being more committed will happen sooner than a month I see him changing already.Please accept my answer
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

For Deardebra only

Let's hope it's as you say....even though he shows he cares for me the words he had written to me nearly 2 weeks ago that he either doesn't love me enough or is not ready for a relationship yet, still echoes in my head.He had said this when I had asked him not to close up when he was not feeling well. I had also explained that even I was not well and I would have loved to be close to him even just to hold his hand.Tomorrow afternoon he's going for the weekend with members of an Association to a an amusement park and staying overnight where all members take their family and friends. It hurts that he plans everything with friends but nothing with me. He could have asked me to join them.Why does he never include me. For me this means he doesn't miss me enough. I have decided that if he doesn't make an effort to meet me in the morning before he leaves, I will just not answer his calls.I am tired of waiting ......Please help...I don't know where I stand, or better still I do know that I will never be that important for him to put me in the first place.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.
I feel when he said that comment about not loving you enough or not ready for a relationship he was trying to push you a way almost test you to see if you would wait for him to decide. I don't feel that he even feels that way. I feel he loves you and is just scared to make a commitment out of fear things might go wrong. He needs to take a risk and open his heart. I feel over time he will invite you more places when he is ready. He should meet you in the mourning that would be a kind gesture on his part to see you before he leaves. He might make an excuse that he will not have time or is to busy packing. I do feel he will put you first when he decides that the feelings he has for you should be expressed.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1820
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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