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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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When do you know when it is time to throw in the towel? My

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When do you know when it is time to throw in the towel? My girlfriend and I have been having problems for some time now. I will give her the benefit of the doubt and say the majority of what is broken in the relationship...I broke it. However, now I am trying to fix it and she is unwilling to see, help, support, or otherwise. When I bring this to her attention then I am being an arrogant ass. Not sure how this is really going to work. Any professional will tell you if there is to be healing it takes "TWO" to do so. One may be doing all the work, but the other has to at least be just a little bit supportive and open to eventually seeing the changes. Any written publication will tell you the same thing. When I tell her this, then I am being an arrogant ass and trying to blame her for our faults..even when I try to explain that I am not blaming her, but I need her to eventually support, and maybe eventually see my efforts. Yesterday she text and said "I assume you are working? I never know you're schedule" I replied and said, yes, and I'm sorry, I will try to be more mindful of sending you my schedule. She then replied. Doesn't really matter, it isn't my business. Ok, so if it isn't any of your business why ask? If I say I just simply forget because it is not somehting I am use to how about just a little understanding on your part and say OK, but I would like for you to include me in your life more if that isn't too much to ask. That would be a lot less invasive. What is your opinion?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 1 year ago.
It sounds that it may be time to throw in the towel. No relationship can survive unless both are motivated and there is a desire to change poor communication. If you feel you are in this alone it is time to leave. Anyone motivated to stay in a relationship is willing to do whatever it takes. If she has a passive aggressive attitude towards healing this relationship and that can be self destructive. I would give her one last chance to change things but if she is that unwilling to participate in the process then move on to someone who will appreciate you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

My intentions at this point are to "Fix" me, and the things that I broke in this relationship. I feel she is a good woman, in fact a great woman, and an outstanding mother. She was not always like this. We've been dating for 3 years now and it is a very long and complicated story so I will just stick this one problem for now. My intentions are...when I can look myself in the mirror and know I've done everything I possibly can, and she is still unwilling to recognize, communicate, or support...then I'm gone! I do feel I have caused more damage in this relationship that she has, therefore I want to fix things. But it is just the snide remarks that seem to tear down anything that is starting to be repaired. Such as "I assume you work today, but don't know because you never tell me your schedule" me replying. "I'm sorry honey, I will try to do better and telling you my schedule, I'm just not use to doing that" Her reply "Doesn't matter, none of my business anyway" So I replied "Well if it is none of your business then why bring it up? If it doesn't matter, then why bring it up? When I say I will try to include you more often, send you schedules, etc. how about showing that you are trying just a little by saying OK honey? Is that so hard? I feel she has done whatever it takes to make this work, and now has given up. So now it is my turn. But I am not going to go on forever like this. I don't expect her to see changes overnight, even if they really exist. But if she doesn't start to see that I am trying eventually, and start warming up eventually, then I really have no choice. I would really like to go deep deep into detail with you. It is a shame we just can't talk on the phone. There is so so very much on my mind. I am reading the "Love Dare" and trying to implement it to the very best of my ability.


 

Expert:  psychlady replied 1 year ago.
You may want to try the Mars and Venus series. It is old but excellent. You can't fix the relationship but not if she isn't participating. As motivated as you are you have a good chance of fixing you. You may want to see out a counselor to help guide you. It may just be a communication problem. Try the suggestions of Dr. Gray and see if the problem is a breakdown in communication. You can use this to address her resistance. By coming at this a different way you may see different results. You know your limits so don't give up. When she sees that the communication is changing then she may be more positive. It is sometimes helpful for one person to initiate the change.
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6886
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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