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Karin Samms
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience:  with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
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husband being nice being taken to far

Resolved Question:

why does my husband always want to help people because usually he goes to far when he trys to help them and than he ends up getting burned or hurt in the long run, most of these people are females, when I try to talk to him about it he says im being insecure and accusing him of cheating again and all he is doing is being nice. I try to talk to him but it is  really hard, he thinks its all ok.  for example, he had a text from a girl claiming he got her pregnant instead of  maybe sending a text back saying wrong person and number he texts back just that but also  trying to get into her business telling her if  she needs someone to talk to she can talk to him, he tells them where he lives and his name.  what is wrong with this and what can I do, he does not believe there is nothing wrong with what he is doing.  we just found out the girl that texted him was actually his codriver (trucker) 12 yo daughter that they put her up to this, now some  problems has arised and he doesn't  even seemed bothered, I need help with this one

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there, welcome to Just Answer. I will try and help you with your question.

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, it seems he does this as part of his normal behavior and hence he may need external support for him to try and understand how it impacts upon you and your marriage to him.

You say that he will say that you're 'being insecure and accusing him of cheating again' this indicates there has been trust issues in the past, and this is not helped by his constant wanting to be in other people's lives.

He needs to be told in no uncertain terms how his actions actually affect you and leave you feeling very much like you're not important to him - particularly when you're trying to explain to him at you're trying to warn of him dangerous situations - such as the co-driver's daughter accusing him of getting her pregnant - of course, we can all see the problem with this and also how much trouble he could inadvertently get into with that, but he doesn't seem to be aware or concerned about these dangerous situations.

I understand that you've tried to talk to him about this, and the fact that you say you had have some great years together also indicates that he means a lot to you and you really want to try and work this out. You could try expressing to him that you love him and want him to see these warning signs of how people take advantage of his kind nature and that he may possibly come across as somewhat gullible and naive, and due to this, you're finding it hard to stand back and watch him being taken for granted but also that it's putting a lot of pressure on your relationship - and hence, he needs to see how it's affecting you both.

One way you could both do this is by seeing a couple counselor who will not take sides but will treat you both together and explore communication with you and identify perhaps what the underlying reason for these behaviors might be. Here are some links to check out in case you feel you'd like to take this support, of course he could go alone of tis is what he'd prefer to do:

USA therapists website: http://www.psychologytoday.com/
Another website where you can search for counselors:.http://www.nbcc.org/counselorfind

You can locate a therapist in your area by searching using your zip code and search for counselors/ therapists who specialize in relationship work.

You seem very normal in your judgment of his situation and you're right in trying to get him some support, I'm hope that you both can work through this and start to get him to be more aware of how these actions are in fact, very dangerous for many different reasons and could land him in a lot of trouble without him even having done anything, so you're right - he needs to be more aware, even if his intentions are to be kind and considerate.

Good luck with trying to communicate with him and I do hope this is helping you to gain some clarity and direction, please do come back to me for further assistance and support if you need it, I'd rather support you as much as possible and receive a positive rating and I'd be more than happy to continue supporting you until you feel satisfied.
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If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


thank you so much for answering my question, it was very helpful, I am going to look into a couples counselor for both of us and pretend it mainly is for me because he does not feel he has a problem and that counselors will not help, that all the problems lay with me. one thing I do not understand I always tell him I need someone to talk to, like in the situation that he does with other people to be nice, but he does not put effort in trying to talk to me, he says there is no use to it because its all in my head, but he is willing to talk to other people about there problems and not his own wife, what should I be thinking and doing about this, I can never get nothing across to him, about how I am thinking, he thinks that everything that is bothering is all have to do with my insecurities and its not, I try to tell him that you have to be careful with people the situation may not be as it seems and he gets upset and just gets mad at me and say that I don't understand that im just insecure, should I just ignore him and go on with my life together and let him fall hard or do what especially if he refuses that he doesn't need help and wont go to a counselor, what can I do

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there L,

I'm glad that you have found my assistance of some help :-)

Sometimes it's that first step that can be the hardest, so good for you in finding a way to work through this.

He doesn't seem to be able to connect with you at present and seems to have switched off and doesn't see the value of trying to make his marriage work - hence why counseling could be invaluable. He may feel that he gets more validation and attention from talking to others and offering them advice - perhaps because he feels he's not receiving this from you - another reason why he doesn't seem to have patience at all for you - his partner. This is heartbreaking and truly saddening and also very lonely and isolating for you both in some ways, so I hope that you can work through this - together.

Regarding your further question; he has a very fixed way of placing the blame upon you - and despite us knowing this is not necessarily true, it doesn't change how he sees things - because this is easier for him. I don't think it is something that you will be able to simply ignore for long, I would possibly consider giving him an ultimatum of sorts - expressing that you are not happy with things as they are and that unless he seeks support together or accepts that some of this is HIS behavior and responsibility - you seriously doubt how this relationship can work.

If he refuses to see a counselor, then you could put it to him that if this was one of his friends that he was offering support to, and they brought these issues - how might he advise them? What might he say to them? This might offer him some understanding and he may even for a moment, understand your predicament.

Ultimately, only you can decide where you can go with this and whether you can tolerate his behavior for much longer. Letting him fall hard will be painful for you to see and observe from a distance but sometimes, this is the only way - my only concern is that he will find a way to place even this blame on you somehow (as he routinely misplaces the blame on you).

Try reflecting on what we've explored here and then decide on what you may want to do. Counseling is a certain way to work towards some kind of solution - so my best wishes and prayers to you, I shall be thinking of you.

Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


I want to thank you for all your wonderful advice which I am taking to heart, one more thing, he is so much like my family, I have tried recently to talk to him and my family about how I am feeling and try to share my feelings and my thoughts with all of them, but the only feed back I get is that it is all in my head, that it is my thinking only. I showed him one day my conversation with counslers to involve him into my feelings and life and he started reading it but when he came to a part about him that he didnt like than he got mad and stopped reading & just did not want to bother anymore, and my family is the same way about it also. I would love for my husband to be the one I turn to, I feel if he had a better understanding of my thinking about everything than most of our problems would be eliminated but I cant even get him to want to sit down with me and talk about none of it which I would love, at least one person in my family to be willing to do that. I do feel that my husband does love me becasue he does come home to me every weekend from off the road (truckdriver) and we spend every minute of our time together getting along for the most part wonderfully, it just seems that we just cant sit down together & have a super serious talk with out him feeling attacked. I love this man from the bottem of my heart and would never think about leaving him, we have been through alot of good and bad times togeter and mad it 17 years, but I would just like to be able to at least share my feelings with him without him feeling attacked, I would love for him to be the one I talk to. Can you help.

Expert:  Karin Samms replied 1 year ago.
Hi there,

Yes it would be the best thing if you could discuss your issues with your husband and have at least this one person in your life that is a constant, however all the things you have said above in your latest reply feel like the things he needs to hear and perhaps which could be expressed in a written format?

Just as an example, you could say something on the lines of:

"I would love to tell you something that is really important to me, I hope you understand this is not about attacking you, this is above me loving you with all my heart - as I do. However, there are a couple of things that I would love for you to be able to work on and please do tell me if there is anything you feel I need to change too. Please don't respond to this as though I am attacking you - I LOVE you - with all my heart and I want nothing more than our relationship to flourish. I will do my best to make necessary changes but would appreciate it if you could take some time to reflect on the following issues that I feel hurt me the most." (and then you could write a few things that you would love for you both to work on TOGETHER. If you could explain to him that you would be willing to support him on trying to make the changes then he might be more wiling to perhaps think about it.

It sounds like your family have a similar way of treating you too and that leaves you feeling dismissed and unimportant - again, being assertive and not allowing yourself to be treated disrespectfully, XXXXX XXXXX key to any relationship that was important to you. So, stand your ground and try not to allow anyone to behave in a manner that you wouldn't wish to treat others.

You need to tell your partner how much you DO love him but the other message (underlying or fairly direct) needs to be that you won't be treated in a bad way as this is about your self esteem and your self worth. On the whole, it sounds like you have a good guy there who does care about you deeply but needs to find a better way of being there for you. My best to you L, I hope you can begin to find a way to communicate with him.

--------
If I have answered your question, kindly rate my service positively before you leave the site so I may be credited for my time. If you choose to rate me anything less than positive, please do come back to me and I will clarify further or support your query further. Your question will not close and I will continue to support your question. Bonuses are always appreciated.

Kindest Regards, Karin
Karin Samms, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 299
Experience: with over 15 years experience offering support with relationship, mental health & addiction issues
Karin Samms and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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