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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Hello I am a 55 divorced female. After a lifelong hurtful

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Hello

I am a 55 divorced female. After a lifelong hurtful relationships with my former X ---(emotional abuse, humiliation, extra -marital relationships, legal charges of rape, my own rape experiences (2) by him, harassment after the divorce) and a difficult time surviving on my own with 3 kids (he did support and the only good thing I can say now he is a good father), unsuccessful attempts with new relationships (he sabotaged it in any case - harassed the suitor till they give up), and just used by men pretending to care, --- he apologized and meant it and begged for a new chance. I gave in and it was wonderful for 2.5 years. I forgave and he did. We planned for a lovely retirement at the see, started building a new house etc. I had one provision - I keep the backdoor open - will not marry and if any untruthful or abusive behavior starts again - I am gone. I am not prepared to repeat the past. It did happen - our sex live went backwards - I caught him late at night doing porn. Apparently an old habit he is not prepared to leave alone. I left. Again I was devastated, humiliated and fooled by the dishonesty and misrepresentation. He does not accept the response and wish to rekindle. I feel nothing but contempt and irritation. Being alone again does rekindle the old fears of being alone and dying alone. Both which I feel I can handle. I prepared for this for so long without him. I compensate in many ways, hobbies and renting out rooms in my home. I feel I cope better on my own without the responsibility of a relationship. I feel really free to be myself. I worked hard, raised my kids with difficulty, advanced in my career. I feel I deserve peace, quiet and dignity and am not willing to swop this for a relationship just because I am afraid of being alone or might need help one day when I am in serious trouble e.g suffering from a serious disease etc. He is still offering love, a home to retire on the beach, but see my reaction as nonsense and considers me as unable to love. He says he will still love me and keep his commitment from a distance since I will not allow him closer again - but that means I have to share a home with him. He has been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder where he so called imprinted on me and cannot let go.

How far does forgiveness go? After all this nonsense, I lost my respect for men, my tolerance for shit has gone out the backdoor. I am on anti-depressants for the last four years (relapse every time when I stop drinking it), in menopause and battle sometimes to control my temper. There are so may things that happened (good and bad), that I am sick and tired of the bumpy ride.

BotXXXXX XXXXXne I will not settle for any serious nonsense again - I consider hiding and doing porn as one of them.

So what is my question? Should I face it alone or should I try and be understanding and tolerate more shit. When does one decide this is enough.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like you are already aware that you have tried in with this man and that he has proven each time to not be trustworthy. The things he has done to you are abusive and harmful. His behavior follows the pattern of someone who abuses and does not take responsibility for their own problems.

The fact that you have tried to trust him again even after he hurt you so badly the first time was enough. You took steps to protect yourself and set boundaries with him. Yet he crossed them, even after promising not to.

A diagnosis of OCD is not a reason to hurt someone. There are many people who deal with this disorder who never hurt anyone let alone abuse them. So that is not an excuse. And no one imprints on another person. The kind of behavior you describe is abusive and that has nothing to do with OCD.

It is difficult to be on your own. But in the situation you have been dealing with, it does not sound like it is going to improve. Going back with him only puts you on the defensive and makes you have to set boundaries that you must keep. Any relationship that is abusive is not worth staying in, particularly if it has been proven twice that the person is not trustworthy. You deserve better.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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